Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Crazy making.....
Anonymous:
Michelle and Caroline,
My heart goes out to you for having such mothers (I use the word loosely) who are so heartless, and who use your children as conduits for their venom and evil.
It's okay if the child in you feels horrible, guilty, and wants to repair these loser mothers. Nothing wrong with that. We all have inner children who wish for things they can't have. It's just how we're hardwired.
The main thing is to listen to the adult part of you and act pragmatically and self-protectively. Your therapists can help your inner child deal with the disappointment of these crappy mothers.
My mother is a big letdown too (though not as bad as yours); and I will never get over it. But I have to put this bummer aside most of the time so I can enjoy life.
bunny
Michelle:
Hi Caroline, thanks for posting! I am glad you are here. :D
Our situations sound very similar, don't they!
--- Quote ---She tries to have a relationship with my one-year old -- she constantly sends her gifts and wants to talk to her on the phone. She thinks she can have this great relationship with my girl completely independently of me.
--- End quote ---
Doesn't that make you sick? Your right - our moms are exactly the same in that area! I don't really understand the mentality behind their relationship with our children. My mother also sends gifts to my daughter. Of course, it's always things that my mother likes, not what my daughter wants!
I'm sorry to hear that your mother hasn't contacted you - in a sense. It sounds like it may be better for you if she doesn't. I am also trying to cut off communication (I may write occasionally) verbally and it is VERY hard. Right now, I am in the stage of "nasty" phone messages left by my mother.
You said that you were worried about what your daughter might think in the future about your decision. My counselor made a good point on this one. Would you rather explain to her that "grandma is not well" and all that entails OR would you rather try to help your daughter heal from the damage that your mother could possibly give her? I would rather do the first personally. It will be sad for her to understand, but I have made one decision 100% - no going back on. My mother WILL NOT damage my children the way she has damaged me. I refuse to let her do that.
--- Quote ---After the birth of my daughter, my parents came to visit us for 10 days (pure hell) and instead of helping out, they literally sat around or hovered over me while I tried to nurse, waiting for a turn to hold my baby. I felt guilty when I wanted to hold my new baby myself.
--- End quote ---
That is scary. My mom wanted to come out when our second child was born, but I refused for that exact reason. I know she would have been the same exact way. She has only been to visit us twice (we live on opposite coasts, thank goodness) and it was MISERY!!!!! I will never do that again.
I just want you to know that you are not alone. You will find very supportive people here who UNDERSTAND what you are going through. YOU stay strong too. Do not let your guilt influence your decisions regarding the safekeeping of your child from your mother.
Thank you for posting. I appreciate your views - it is nice to have someone who can empathize with you!
Take care of yourself,
Michelle
Michelle:
Thank you Bunny. You are very kind and encouraging. I am sorry about your mother, too. I don't think there is a "level" of awfulness here. If your parents treat you badly, they treat you badly. You hurt as much as I hurt. I am sorry you had to experience that as well. :cry:
Feeling your pain,
Michelle
Wildflower:
Hi write,
--- Quote ---Little me playing at concerts and scanning the hall for a parent, sports day and I'm one of the kids whose parent doesn't come and watch and cheer, then having to listen to drunken rambling about how they gave me everything, parties where we can't go at the last minute because of some half-assed reason- usually someone giving offence, probably imagined, being hungry or scared...
And never getting an apology or explanation. Ever.
--- End quote ---
Me, too. Only it was parents' day or some other school activity where all the other parents were there. Only, I got an explanation. It was because all those parents were interfering with their children and controlling them and besides they didn't have to work, they had it easy and stayed home with the kids and had no life of their own (um yikes. wow. hunh, never put that down into words before). That's the reason mom always had at hand for why she was never at my school functions, why she never helped me with homework or school projects. It goes on. I never got an apology, though. And it was assumed I agreed with her and didn't want her interfering in my life (being there to support me).
--- Quote ---"I bet you miss mamaw don't you? Do you wish mamaw could come see you? I know mamaw is your best friend"
--- End quote ---
I don't know your mom, but this reads like she's already ramping up to manipulate your child. It sounds like your child may not be safe around her when she's older...just wanted to put that out there. Not sure if it makes sense or applied.{EDIT: this was meant for Michelle but I missed Caroline's and Michelle's posts above and it seems like you guys are already way down this path. :D}
Wildflower
Caroline:
Michelle and Bunny,
Thanks for your responses. I've been feeling so alone -- eveyone I know seems to have normal parents.
Bunny, thanks for the validation and reminder that it's normal to feel the guilt. I'm constantly struggling with the feeling that I could/should do something to improve the situation, yet I know that I am powerless to change my N mom. I haven't reached a stage of acceptance yet. And for the most part, like you, I also try to put this aside so it doesn't affect all areas of my life, but it's hard sometimes, isn't it? Especially with mother's day around the corner. ...
Michelle, I'm sorry that your mother is being so nasty. I think you got some great suggestions for your answering machine!! Did you actually tell your mother that you needed some space or did you just stop calling and taking her calls? Just curious..... And thanks for the perspective on what to tell my daughter. What do you do about the gifts your mother sends for your daughter?
In some ways, it is easier that my mother doesn't call, but I know she thinks that it's my duty as the daughter to keep in touch. I should be forever grateful for all the things she's done for me, all the money she's spent on me (she brings money up all the time and uses it to buy people), the sacrifices she made to send me to college -- and it's not that I'm ungrateful, on the contrary. I just realized that she didn't do these things purely for ME, she did them for her. She views me as a reflection of her and when I don't conform to what she wants me to to be, it's insulting to her. She hated my independence. She views it as my rejecting her. She wants me to need her in every aspect of my life.
Sorry for jumping all over the place, but things are just coming through me from all over the place. Back to the money issue, I told you how horrible she was to me when she visited after my baby was born, right? Well, she bought me these expensive diamond earrings. I thanked her, but I tried to tell her that I would have preferred to have her love and support instead. She became livid and accused me of being ungrateful because she spent so much time and money on them and she doesn't have a lot of money, but everything she has, she gives to me and my sister, blah blah blah. She buys me things that I don't even want or need and then uses it against me. I'm also supposed to reciprocate and buy her lavish gifts, which sickens me.
Sometimes I also get the wierd feeling that she's jealous of me.... but then I think I'm going crazy. ....
Anyway, I apologize for ranting -- it's just that I haven't really talked about this in a long time.
-Caroline
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