Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Crazy making.....
write:
it's interesting to hear these phone tales, I rarely pick up the phone to this day after all the years of phone hassle from my father.
I can't imagine a world where people's parents actually care about them - sincerely and unselfishly.
unbelievable isn't it.
At least you didn't take that pattern of unhealthy relating into marriage, as so many of us did.
It's so hard to accept once you have your own children too.
Many times little things come back to me and I think 'the b**t**ds!'
Little me playing at concerts and scanning the hall for a parent, sports day and I'm one of the kids whose parent doesn't come and watch and cheer, then having to listen to drunken rambling about how they gave me everything, parties where we can't go at the last minute because of some half-assed reason- usually someone giving offence, probably imagined, being hungry or scared...
And never getting an apology or explanation. Ever.
Once my mother left my father conveniently blamed everything on her, and as she disappeared for a year or so ( ultimate mother failure- abandonning your children ) everyone else did too and pitied dad, and he never had to take any responsibility, though he went on to do more damage than she did truth be told.
They were one sorry pair of parents.
I pity them now, having so few skills to hold it together and no motivation to even try to learn how to be parents.
I think the kid in me feels like I am doing something really "naughty" and "unforgivable" by not talking with her. Help! Does anyone else feel this way?
I have done somewhat.
I think it recedes as you take control of your life and push ANY damaging people out.
People who constantly undermine your view of the world and your fragile self-esteem are TOO harmful to healing and emotional health. Remind yourself of that, and let all these attempts at controlling/ interfering/ not accepting your boundaries reinforce how damaging this woman is to you. 'PUT YOUR OWN RECOVERY FIRST', no. one priority.
I haven't even told my extended family about my marriage breakup. They don't care about me, and I don't care what they think.
Michelle:
--- Quote from: Anonymous ---"Hello, sorry we can't take your call. As you probably know, we're avoiding speaking with my narcissistic mother.
All my life she's tried to make me feel like I'm some sort
of revolting individual, and make me feel responsible for
her and her own misery. Everytime she rings I find myself
stressed afterwards, so now we've decided it's best not to
answer the phone till we know who's calling.
Sorry for the inconvenience, but if you just leave your
name and number we'll get back to you."
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah
Mightn't fix anything, but then, what would?
CG
--- End quote ---
CG - you crack me up. This was the first thing I read this morning and now I can't stop laughing! I actually think I like this one better.
Your second remark, "Mightn't fix anything, but then what would?"
Wow - that hit me like a ton of bricks. Being so new at counseling, I am also new to healing. I am still coming to the realization and acceptance of that remark. That no matter what I do I can't fix this. That is a hard one for me. I know I can't fix everything, but I think that a few of my "learned" bad traits are being a people pleaser and trying to make everything "better" for everyone around me. Thank you for reinforcing what I know to be true but am having a hard time accepting. I appreciate your honesty and HUMOR! Keep it coming!
~~Michelle
Michelle:
--- Quote ---All because of my childhood script of helplessness, my 'integrity' (hollow laugh) which left me without resources to really stand up for myself and the impact of 'Ns'.
--- End quote ---
R - You too are making lightbulbs go off in my head. As I said to CG before, I am new to counseling and healing. All these remarks are really getting inside my head - in a good way. I have been imprisoned in my mother's world for so long that I am just beginning to learn what the outside world is like. I am slowly looking my "lack of resources" squarely in the face. It hurts. It is embarrassing. But most of all, right now at least, I am mad as h*ll!
--- Quote ---I know that realising the pattern of what's going on in the outside world and the connection with the decisions I made as a child has helped me enormously. But the only way we'll stop the Ns in our lives is to work on our own resilience, find out why we feel guilty, what buttons they are pressing.
--- End quote ---
I know that is true, but right now I am so in this thing "emotionally" that I find that hard to see from an objective point of view. Is that something that I will be able to see more of as I heal?
Thank you for the book references. I haven't gotten that far yet, but it is on my mental list of things to do. You guys have all been so so helpful already in making me feel like I can overcome this awful nightmare of a life!
Thank you, R!
~~Michelle
Michelle:
--- Quote ---At least you didn't take that pattern of unhealthy relating into marriage, as so many of us did.
--- End quote ---
I am very blessed with that - my marriage is actually very healthy, mostly due to my husband. However, part of the reason I started counseling when I did is because of my repressed anger that started leaking out like something toxic! I never realized all that was in there. My 2 year old would do something "typically 2 year old" and I would get so mad. I am a teacher by trade, so I usually put on my happy face and just feel mad inside. But a few times I have said really hateful things or just given her really mean, undeserving looks. I realized that I was mirroring my mother and it totally freaked me out. That's when I immediately started counseling. It has been the best decision I have ever followed through with!
--- Quote ---Little me playing at concerts and scanning the hall for a parent, sports day and I'm one of the kids whose parent doesn't come and watch and cheer, then having to listen to drunken rambling about how they gave me everything, parties where we can't go at the last minute because of some half-assed reason- usually someone giving offence, probably imagined, being hungry or scared...
And never getting an apology or explanation. Ever.
--- End quote ---
I think that is the part that hurts the most, isn't it Write? That we know they never valued us enough to even just APOLOGIZE or EXPLAIN their behavior! My inner child is still just wishing for that. If I got an apology (sincere), I have no doubt that I could honestly begin to truly forgive her. They will never realize the impact that their absence in our childhood left. Feelings of desertion, lonliness, inferiority, confusion, responsibility. Whoa - I'm not sure where that last one came from. I need to ponder on that one for a while. Scary. See what happens when you let your heart open again? Gheesh!
--- Quote ---People who constantly undermine your view of the world and your fragile self-esteem are TOO harmful to healing and emotional health. Remind yourself of that, and let all these attempts at controlling/ interfering/ not accepting your boundaries reinforce how damaging this woman is to you. 'PUT YOUR OWN RECOVERY FIRST', no. one priority.
--- End quote ---
You are so right. I am going to print that quote for my refrigerator. It is very motivating and I need to memorize it.
I'm sorry to hear about your marriage breakup. If I can be as bold as to ask.....was it directly hurt due to the issues you are having to deal with? I am also sorry for you having to suffer as a child. I can truly feel your pain. It makes me so sad for what we have both lost and will never regain. I want so much more for my children.....freedom to be who they are and embrace it, knowing they are unconditionally loved no matter what, knowing they are cherished, looking back on their childhood with fond memories - that is what gets me through the hard times. Focusing on them and seeing my new "role" as a parent as one where I can (kind of) repair myself by taking better care of them.
Best wishes and thanks for your thoughts.
~~Michelle
Caroline:
Hi Michelle,
This is my first time at this site and your message is the first one I read. I swear I could have written it myself! I have been trying to set some boundaries with my Nmom, who does indeed make me crazy. She tries to have a relationship with my one-year old -- she constantly sends her gifts and wants to talk to her on the phone. She thinks she can have this great relationship with my girl completely independently of me. I also feel like a bad daughter for trying to cut her off, like I'm fulfilling her portrayal of me as an ungrateful daughter. The thing that's different with me is that my mom hasn't called me in 18 months. She didn't even call to wish me happy birthday, but she left a message on our phone wishing my girl happy birthday. WHenever she sends gifts, I feel obliged to call and thank her and then i feel manipulated. I've been trying to cut off verbal communication and just write notes or cards, but I know she gets mad because she's not a letter-writing person. I stress a lot about my her relationship with my daughter. What will I tell her when she asks about her grandparents? Will my parents try to make contact with her? Won't I look like the evil one keeping grandparents from their only grandchild? Will my daughter resent me for it? Ugh.
After the birth of my daughter, my parents came to visit us for 10 days (pure hell) and instead of helping out, they literally sat around or hovered over me while I tried to nurse, waiting for a turn to hold my baby. I felt guilty when I wanted to hold my new baby myself. She was snatched out of my arms as soon as she was done feeding. I was recovering from a cesarean, struggling with nursing (which my mom was completely unsupportive of) and feeling very stressed because our baby was losing too much weight. They didn't even seem to notice that I was in pain, exhausted, etc. They chose to go out to eat instead of cooking at home and I was NOT capable of cooking for everyone. They later complained that we were less-than-gracious hosts for making them go out to eat when we should have been eating together as a family. Every other person I know who's had a baby has family that comes to take care of them!
It's mostly my mom, but my Dad has no spine and sounds more and more like her every day, so they're one and the same for me. They are completely unable to acknowledge or empathize with my feelings under any circumstance. Yet, I feel guilty for cutting them off. I just worry so much about my daughter. I have heard about Nparents who use their grandkids to get at their children, to keep us in their web. It's so manipulative.
You're doing the right thing -- stay strong. I think at some point, we will feel empowered for taking control of our lives and our emotions. If we don't play their games anymore, they don't have control over us! Easier said than done though! :!:
-Caroline
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