Still overcoming the effects of shame

[Gaining Strength]

I picked up this topic from another thread.  I have written on this many times.  I am still working on it.

For me, shame sends me into paralysis.  The phrase of shame I am working on now is "undeserving."  It is so powerful for me that for a long time I could not even think the phrase - the pain was absolutely too much.

Now I can think it and I can replace it with other phrases and I am working to replace it with visions and images of real "deserving," Deserving a nice, neat house with orderly papers and paper work, a nice, fulfilling job and friends and comfort and....................

I am learning that I must be specific, set goals and aim at living life purposefully.  One of the HUGE hitches is that I have tried and tried over and over so that one of the big obstacles is that I have never been successful in my many, many attempts.  Now as I try yet again, one of the obstacles I must overcome is the absolute fear and shame of failing in the past, of not following through, of falling prey to the objections and ridicule of people who I have cared about in the past.  I have interalizaed the voices of people who don't like me along with people who I wanted to be liked by.  It is all so painful even to put down here.  But I am calling it by its name because I am determined to be free of it.

I have more to say but my mother has come to look over my shoulder.

[lighter]

ACK, GS!

What a thing to have your mother standing over your shoulder while trying to write about this.

All you can do to show those voices who's boss.... is make those mindful plans and follow through daily with the best decisions you can make.

Sticking with a plan, made when you're clear headed, helps to get through the times when things don't seem so clear. 

(((GS)))  Just keep moving in a better direction..... then you're in a better place before you know it. 

[Hopalong]

GS, how about a little modification...

One square foot
in the present moment

Stay present. Be. You are "haunting yourself", hon.

You're no ghost!
You're not an appartition!
You're not a specter!
You're not a bad omen!
You're not failure on legs!

YOU'RE A LOVELY HUMAN BEING WHO'S STANDING IN FRONT OF ONE SQUARE FOOT.
IN THE NOW.

loooooooooove, and a big hug,
Hops

[Ami]

Dear GS,
  The modality that is REALLY helping  me is the "inner child" work. The book"Healing Your Aloneness" by Chopich will give you a technique to get connected to yourself.
   Your inner child is abandoned and shamed by you b/c you are acting on the messages you learned.NOW-- you are rejecting yourself.We are acting the SAME way to ourselves that our ABUSERS did.
   You can discover how to embrace these inner 'torments" and turn them in to joys. JUST trust me and get the book. It cannot hurt.
   As far the the topic of shame,.. I think that it is one of the worst pains in life when we have "thrown ourselves away" b/c we felt so, so worthless and inadequate.(This is shame, I think). It is the feeling of a big neon sign inside us that says-- BAD, WORTHLESS, DESERVES PAIN and HATRED, HAS to HIDE and LIE about WHO SHE IS"
  I think that at some point we just split with ourselves. We just "throw" our true self away b/c we have decided that we are poison and terribly ,terribly shameful"
 I am getting healing from shame. One way is to keep making myself SHARE the way that I feel inside.When other people relate, then I feel like I am not alone. This is very healing.
 As I share about this deep pain and also study the "inner child" book, I feel more trusting of myself.
  I am getting some of the wisdom back that I lost at 14. I am seeing that we ALL have shame in us, as humans. I am seeing that I am not alone with these awful feelings. They are human. However, I had a huge dose of them from my M. I guess with N's, everything is EXAGGERATED.
i had HUGE shame. However, shame is  in everyone
  One thing that kept my sanity as a child was that I was very intuitive and I believed my intuition. I SAW that everyone hurt inside and doubted themselves. I was not alone. I saw that it was the human condition-- not that I was a "weirdo".
  That kept me sane and able to "own " myself. I felt like I was just a member of the human race-- not an "alien".   GS, you will heal--if you just keep pulling back the layers of lies and distortions-- JUST like you are.                                      Love to YOU      Ami

[changing]

Dear Strength-

Thank you for posting this topic. I am often held  back by shame- I am ashamed that my family rejected me, ashamed that I am getting divorced ( part of me is ashamed, part is  relieved and happy), ashamed that I am older than everyone else at law school (sometimes- often I'm OK with it , but when I am ashamed, it is horrible), ashamed that I am disabled and ridiculous, etc....

I know that you have nothing to be ashamed of , and I am glad that you are overcoming the vestiges of shame. Oh, and next time tell your mom that her soap opera is on- she'll go into the other room and you can write in peace!

Your friend,

Changing

[Hopalong]

Ridiculous is the LAST thing you are, Changing.

Awe-inspiring is more like it.

((((((((((((((Changing)))))))))))))))

with much respect, and love,
Hops

[changing]

My Dear Hoppy-

I am always awestruck at your incredible insight and mellifluous way with words - you are a true HEALER and SEER in the ancient sense. Thank you for your kindness and support. You see, Gaining Strength, you really have started something here- this expiation of guilt and shame ROCKS!

Love to all,

Changing

[Ami]

Dear Changing,
  I see you as a tremendous  inspiration. When I get down, I think of all that you have done with your life. I can see you in my mind. I see a  dignity ..  I see God moving you through life---- fueled by His Grace.
    You were not fortunate to have a loving family,but you took your little "spark"  and bravely went forward. You are very beautiful to me , Changing. I just wanted you to know that    Love   Ami