Painful physical & emotional memories

[sally]

I was watching Dr. Phil and the topic was fathers who bully their kids.

There was video of a father trying to hit his son and screaming at the son.  The mother was protecting the son with her body, getting between father and son so the father couldn't hit the son.  The siblings sat in frozen silence witnessing the scene.

This triggered my memory and physical sensation of when the same thing happened in my household:  My father would be yelling, raging at my older brother, trying to hit my brother  and I remember how my mother and I would plead with my father to stop and put our bodies between my brother and father so that my father wouldn't be able to hit my brother.

I specifically remember the physical sensation of being pushed to and fro in the melee, how my muscles felt, and the fear, anger, panic and bewilderment I felt.  Most of these incidents happened when I was 10 yrs old and younger.

This reminds me of Alice Miller who talks about how our bodies (not just our minds) store these memories.

Thanks for letting me share this.  Maybe by sharing, I will feel some relief and release.

Love,
Sally

[sally]

Thank you, Shunned.

Yes, I try to avoid it also, but I was surprised that it made me think about how my body felt at that time.

I agree with you about concentrating on the present, but I read that Post traumatic stress may be caused when we remember a prior threat and twe haven't dealt with or processed the memory.  Or, something like that.  I can't quite verbalize it, but I felt and experienced it.

Thanks again.

Sally

[Ami]

Dear Sally,
  As I am healing, I am experiencing a radical shift in my physical body. I never" experienced "that emotions stay stored in the body.However, as I come out of denial, it is a physical as well as an emotional experience.
 I can see how these awful memories can cause disease and certainly emotional illness.As I FORCE myself to face the truth, I am getting "real". I think that it is the only way to heal.
  We-- who have survived abuse--- have so many ,many stored memories and stored pain.
 I wish that there was an "easier" way to let it go-- but I think that facing it is the only way(IME)
 Sally, so nice to hear you, again  . I have truly missed you.                    Love    Ami

[sally]

Hi Ami,

Good to hear from you too.  I missed you too.

I know you are doing so much work to face the truth and throw off the denial.  You're very brave and strong, Ami.

I agree with you about emotional and physical experience and memories can cause disease and that's one reason I posted about this.  I'm trying to release it.  Maybe if I say it out loud, I can release it.

Sally

[dandylife]

Sally,
it's terrifying when a trusted person (adult parent/guardian) loses control. They are supposed to be your trusted protector and your world is turned upside down when this happens as you realize the world is not safe for you.

I'm so sorry your father was this way - it's just not right. Your body has stored the information and has found new resources to keep you safe.

(((((Sally)))))

Love,
Dandylife

[sally]

Thank you Dandylife.

My father didn't have a father, so I guess he had no role model, but that does not excuse it.  My father had a choice.  And yet, he thought he was doing right because he wanted to "toughen up" his kids.  Dad grew up very poor, but he gave us a very comfortable life.  Again, not an excuse.

Yes, it was terrifying.  I'm connecting the dots between my dad's behavior and my sad/non-existent relationships with men.  No wonder I don't trust men.

Thanks again,

sally

[Certain Hope]

Dear Sally,

Hugs to you. I'm sorry those sensations are lingering in your body and I just pray that they leave once and for all.
I've had some very intense, uncomfortable physical reactions from being backed into corners... and not even with rage involved...
just extreme tension and wanting to escape. I can only imagine. More hugs.

With love,
Hope

[finding peace]

Hi Sally,

I have heard this referred to as a body memory, where a repressed trauma manifests through physical sensation. It can be awful.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

((((((((((((((((Sally))))))))))))))))))

Much love,
Peace

[sally]

Thank all of you so much for posting.  I’m really touched.

Besee, I have the same thing:  When I purposefully try to remember, I can’t, but then something out of the blue triggers a memory and I can’t help but remember whether I want to or not.

Hope, thank you for your prayers.  I keep asking God and my Guardian Angels to help me.

Peace, yes, this is a body memory and it feels weird.

Thank you again for responding.

Love to you (((((((((((all))))))))).

Love,
Sally

[Hopalong]

Hi Sally,

I would like you to feel
big gentle strong arms, maybe an apron that smells of ginger,
a nice old person with a nice old heart and a sense of season,
a broad strong lap and a pocket with peppermints in it,
and you scooped up gently, a strong old shoulder to lay your head on,
and then rocking, just rocking, for as long as you like...hours if you want,
while a sweet reedy voice hums comforting tunes and
the lightning bugs dance off the porch and a sweet breeze
brings the smell of the last honeysuckle

Hops

[Poppyseed]

Sally,

I just feel so touched by your post.  I can't imagine what you must have witnessed and the damage that must have done to little girl spirit in you.  I bet your body remembers.  That spirit body connection is amazing to me.  I have seen it manifest itself in different ways with my body.  As I look back to my years of denial, I saw my health dramatically decline.  And the more truth I have been able to see and accept has seemed to restored my health.  It was like my body was trying to tell me what my mind wouldn't see.  I guess in this way, I have become really grateful for my body and for the things it teaches me. 

My heart goes out to you and your unique circumstances.  I wish you much in the way of comforts as you continue your journey of healing.

-- Poppy

And Hops -- goodness girl!  You brought tears to my eyes with your last post.  Your description of the woman and the chair and the apron, etc.  seemed to reach some inner place inside of me that needs comfort so very badly.  The kind that envelops you.  The kind where you know you are heard and understood and made safe.  Thanks!

[Hopalong]

((((((((Poppy)))))))

it's what I wish for everybody.

love
Hops