Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Mother's Day??
Singer:
--- Quote ---I know it must be coming to terms with this stuff (I'm struggling on that end, too), but I have to say, this had me so steamed. :evil: I'm so glad for you that you were able through her games and not lose faith in your dad. What a low blow. :evil:
--- End quote ---
I couldn't imagine later what she hoped to achieve by such an accusation. I believe now that it's part of the N's desire to pit family members against each other. My sister ends every phone call to me with a caution against letting NMother know we've talked. Also my brother had requested a military salute for our father at his graveside and this rankled my NMother, his time in the military having been just prior to and therefore outside of her realm of influence. Sick and sickening.
--- Quote ---Even though I was inferior, sluggish and somewhat ridiculous.
I hope you don't believe this about yourself (I know how these thoughts can seep in). If you do, think about the person who gave you those ideas - and kick 'em out the door.
--- End quote ---
How do you overcome a lifetime of waiting to be told what you think? I've read that some N's are not very verbally skilled, but this wasn't so in my NMother's case. She verbalizes without pause and usually without need for any input or feedback.
Funny story... not long after she and my father married she had been talking to a girlfriend on the phone one night while my father was attending night classes at college. After a while she noticed that her friend hadn't said anything for quite some time, so she asked: "Are you there?" No answer. "ARE YOU THERE?" still no answer. (I can't count how many times she's demanded "ARE YOU THERE?" forty minutes into a "conversation" with me.) Anyway, my father walked in at that point and my mother told him they must IMMEDIATELY drive to her friend's house because something TERRIBLE must have happened to her. My father complied even though he was becoming aware of NMother's love of drama and must have been tired after a day of work and a night of school. When they arrived, the curtains at the front window were open and they could plainly see the friend sound asleep on the floor with the phone receiver beside her where it had fallen. My mother tells this story to point out how sensitive she had been to the needs of her friend. :shock: I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Oh well. No, I don't have much self-esteem, but I have become better at seeing what's what. Maybe that's the reward...learning to try to understand and not perpetuate the cycle.
Singer
Singer:
--- Quote from: Caroline ---Hi Singer,
Welcome to the group! I'm new too and have found it soooo helpful to hear everyone's story and to share my own. ...
Unfortunately, I don't think Ns get better with age. This depresses me because my mom is only 55!
-Caroline
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Caroline. Mother's Day is weighing heavily on my mind. I'll be spending the day with my own daughter, but I can't believe how much time and energy I have wasted trying to justify to myself not making an attempt to see my NMother. She doesn't want to see me or my daughter, just wants us to make the attempt. Over and over again.
I am much like your sister in that I believed we had a relationship of some kind until the rages became more frequent and less logical. And there's always the fear of behaving like an NMom myself. That REALLY scares me.
Singer
Michelle:
Hi Caroline -
This has also been a thorn in my side.....my first "official" Mother's Day at war with my mother. On one hand I feel sad, but on the other I feel LIBERATED! I have not talked to her in two weeks (tomorrow) and I have never been so stress-free in my life. It is so obvious that some friends of mine (who don't even know about my mom) have commented on my "obvious lack of stress". WOW!!!!!
Also, to make myself feel a little better about the whole situation, I think about how my mother treats ME as the mother of her grandchildren. She has never respected, acknowledged, or commented positively on my abilities as a mother. As you know, your mother's support in your own parenting journey would be much appreciated and needed. Since she can't even give me that, I figure why should I bow down to her and kiss her plump rump like I have always done? Not gonna happen anymore. This is the new Michelle and I like her alot better than the old one!
I will send a card and have already decided just to get a "general" one. NOt one of those mushy ones that she LOVES, but doesn't deserve. No gift this year and definitely nothing from the children, not even a card. PO'd is an understatement of how she will react - I am already anticipating, but am way past caring. I am planning on not speaking to her verbally until I get the kind of message (either phone or email) that relays to me a small bit of remorse and willingness to work on our relationship. I know that will not happen anytime soon - possibly never - and figure that it will be a cold day in h*ll before I hear that. I am willing to take that chance. She has hurt me and my family long enough. As my counselor says, "You can't help someone who won't help themself" and "If I don't put my family (H and kids and myself) first, who will? Definitely not my mother.
Don't feel bad. Hold your head up high and KNOW you are making great decisions for YOUR family. Your mother does not care about you or them in the way that she should. As much as I know this hurts, you have us here to care about you, heal with you and root for YOU and your well being. This has to get better for us, it can't get much worse!
Celebrating YOU on Mother's Day,
Michelle
Michelle:
Welcome Singer - we are glad you are here and using your voice!
--- Quote ---Until now I had no idea what was wrong, even bizarre, in my relationship with my mother. It has been like hundreds of light bulbs going off in my head as I read so many posts that described, almost word for word, experiences that are so similar to what I've experienced.
--- End quote ---
I can relate to you on this one - I always thought my family was "normal" growing up. Boy, was I wrong and boy was it a shock to figure that out! I just started posting here as well recently and can agree to that "hundred of light bulbs" theory!!
You have an element that I don't have though - your mother is older than mine, she is only 47 this year. I know that must be a huge element of guilt for you and am so sorry. I'm not sure how I would react to the situation in that case, probably much like you have. It still does not allow or justify her actions though. I think keeping as much emotional distance from her as you can is absolutely necessary.
Just know that we are so happy to have you here. Use these new resources that you have - we are happy to be here to help you out in your growth and healing!
Take care of yourself,
Michelle
Wildflower:
--- Quote ---Funny story... not long after she and my father married she had been talking to a girlfriend on the phone one night while my father was attending night classes at college. After a while she noticed that her friend hadn't said anything for quite some time, so she asked: "Are you there?" No answer. "ARE YOU THERE?" still no answer. (I can't count how many times she's demanded "ARE YOU THERE?" forty minutes into a "conversation" with me.) Anyway, my father walked in at that point and my mother told him they must IMMEDIATELY drive to her friend's house because something TERRIBLE must have happened to her. My father complied even though he was becoming aware of NMother's love of drama and must have been tired after a day of work and a night of school. When they arrived, the curtains at the front window were open and they could plainly see the friend sound asleep on the floor with the phone receiver beside her where it had fallen. My mother tells this story to point out how sensitive she had been to the needs of her friend. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
--- End quote ---
Thanks for sharing that, Singer. Really made me laugh. I've also got a mother with a one-way phone, as does Portia. We were talking about setting them up on the same line, but I don't see why we can't set up a conference call :lol: :lol: Definitely laugh at that one.
--- Quote ---How do you overcome a lifetime of waiting to be told what you think? I've read that some N's are not very verbally skilled, but this wasn't so in my NMother's case. She verbalizes without pause and usually without need for any input or feedback.
--- End quote ---
It's tough, to tell the truth, but you don't have to do it all at once. Just talk with folks here, and I bet so many of those yucky internal voices will start falling away. And so you know, my parents were both highly skilled in the verbal department :roll: . Very hard to see through - especially when getting a lecture.
Hang in there,
Wildflower
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