Re: authentic's story

[Hopalong]

Hello Authentic,

Sometimes the survival of one day can symbolize an entire struggle and triumph.
That's how this read to me.

Hope your rattletrap days are over at last.

Hops

[cats paw]

Hello Authentic,

  I have never addressed you before, but I remember you from when you were on the board before, when I was strictly a lurker.  Now, I am a part-time lurker, in that it takes me a while to try to say something to a member that I've never spoken with before.

  Just wanted to say - Here's a bandaid and some A&D, also a cup of tea.  There's an ear listening , even when you might not be aware.  I know that you wouln't be able to know that the ears were feline unless there was a mew for you to you to hear.


cats paw

[Ami]

Dear Authentic,
  Thank you for that post. That story was "mind blowing". It is  a pivotal point in my life.That story helps me to focus on what is really  important                      Love  Ami

[JanetLG]

Authentic,

When I read about your childhood (I've just read the part about the beating you got for not knowing that 9 times 7 is 63), I'm amazed that despite all that abuse, you've grown up to be such a strong, healthy person. Your children are so lucky that you know how to REALLY bring children up, even though no-one showed that to you.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that - it sounds horrendous.


Janet

[Ami]

Dear Authentic,
  I agree with Janet. I hope that you give yourself ( and God credit) that you are a fine, decent,loving person. I think that each time you tell us about the horrors, they will lessen.. I think that your journey has to be in facing them and telling them(as you are). When you bring them to the light of day, they will   lose their power over you.
   Your parents vented all their rage on weak kids. I think that they crossed the line of N into something worse.
 I had a little glimpse of how you could abuse someone with my Yorkie, Mimi. She goes to the bathroom in little "drips". So, r I take her out for a walk. Soon after she wants to go out and do a "little drip". I get so, angry b/c I have to keep getting the leash and going out while she painstakingly looks for a place to do a little drip. I felt such rage at this little ,innocent ,loving thing. I have been sobbing b/c it is exactly what an abuser gives vent to when he abuses kids.
   Mimi is just like a baby. She is innocent and loving. If you get mad at her, she crouches and slinks. I never realized how the abusers displaced their rage until I felt that rage with Mimi. Thank God,I did not let myself hurt her. However, I see how it is so easy to take out all your pain on something too helpless to stand up for itself.
   This has been a huge lesson in anger and rage. I guess that we all get angry. It is about making yourself control it and NOT taking it out on "weak" things.
   Authentic-- you are a 'hero" to me. I am so happy that you are my friend and most especially that we are God's kids Someday, we will be so happy with Him.All this will be past and we will be at peace. That is what I hang on to as I heal.
  I wish that I could hug you. I send you a cyberspace hug                   Love  Ami

[JanetLG]

Can we have a group hug?

 


Janet

[JanetLG]

Authentic,

I'm so sorry that your mother is so much like mine, I really am.

This 'false sweetness to the outside world' is something that I struggled with for years - how COULD anyone else not see how awful she was? But when I realised how skilled she was at presenting this 'other self', and how believable it was (to people outside the family), I gave up on her. She can carry on doing it as much as she likes, but I don't have to go along with it. I don't even have to explain myself to the people she's deceived (I used to think I had to, or they'd think badly of me). Perhaps they do, perhaps they don't. But I've got better things to be doing with my life, now.

What your mother said to you yesterday was wrong, and you responded really well (considering she should never have said it!)

I hope you have a better week, now!


Janet

[Ami]

Dear Authentic,
   I ,truly, am amazed and shocked how you can spend time with your mother ( and sisters) and be detached like that. I truly do not understand that level of healing. It is "Chinese" to me.
  Authentic-- could you outline some of the steps that took you to where you are today?   Love  Ami

[Ami]

Dear Authentic.
  That post has so much profound wisdom in it. I think that a BIG part of what you are saying is that we have to face ourselves--honestly. We have to see the depths of "evil" that lurks in our own soul. We have to come face to face with the same "evil" in us that the abusers had. I think that I used to be able to see myself honestly. That is why I was healthy.
   Then,I started feeling guilty for every emotion that I had that was "not good"( My M defined "good"). I would have felt really guilty if touching my M made my skin crawl. My M had gotten in my head and was controlling me by "remote control--lol.In other words, I could not have my feelings anymore. This was the biggest violation of me. I had to have perfect feelings.
  This is my biggest struggle ,now. I STILL feel very guilty for"bad" feelings. My actions are usually good, I feel very condemned for "bad' feelings like you had with your mother when she touched you. That is my dilemma. My M and H can do whatever they want BUT I AM BAD if I FEEL any "bad' feeling about it.I am condemned by THEM and MYSELF if I feel anger, dislike, revulsion etc,etc. That is the core of my sickness- right there.I cannot feel my feelings OR I FEEL GUILTY. I hate myself for bad feelings. (WOW- Thank you Authentic)
  I see that the freedom is in facing the 'devil" within. I see that your have to be honest with yourself about who and what you are. I am only just beginning to do this.
  Thank you for saying that I am already 'on the road".I think that I am. Your support felt really good. Thank you.
 I can see why many voices here were not comfortable with you. You have suffered deeply AND healed deeply. The people who want "sweety- sweet" would not want your brand of healing. I DO, though. Thank God for your voice, It gives me so much strength.
 Maybe people's life lesson is to face themselves and their own evil within. Great literature discuses this. Maybe, this is a big part of the life journey to being a "whole person. I want to be a whole person, for sure. THANK YOU Authentic for leading the way . Right now, I am so angry at the people who tried to shame you off the board. We need to fight anyone who tries to shame a newcomer. That will be our way to get "revenge". I am really, really, really ,really angry  .                     Ami

[cats paw]

Authentic,

   Please disregard this if it's something you prefer not to discuss.

   How did you end the physical contact?  Did (does) she realize contact with her has the effect on you that it does?

   Is allowing contact some sort of compromise- as in making the best of the situation at hand with all things considered?

   How old is your mother?

   Geez - now that I've thoroughly peppered you with questions.....
 

cats paw

[JanetLG]

Authentic,

It's interesting that you dislike physical contact with your M. With mine, even when I was growing up, I hated sitting so close to her that we touched. The smell of her made me queasy - her skin, everything. Yuck! She was just so pudgy.

I wonder if that goes back to 'not bonding', from birth? I found out the other day that when I was born, I had a 'lazy eye' (left one), that looked towards my nose, until I was about 6 weeks old, and it sorted itself out. I wonder, now, if that was enough to make my NMum reject me physically? Do mothers do that if their baby isn't 'perfect'? I dunno, I haven't got children! But I also wonder if I couldn't focus on her, because of this eye problem, which wouldn't have helped, either.


Janet

[JanetLG]

Authentic,

"As a baby, I'm sure your mother held you -- I really firmly believe if she hadn't you'd be like a sociopath"

How do you know I'm not?   

I remember my Dad reading to me, playing games with me, etc, when I was older (3 or 4, maybe), but not my Mum. When I've seen photos of her holding me, she just looks so spaced out, with a grimace that can only be described as like Cherie Blair (or Wallace and Grommit, depending how magnanimous I'm feeling!).


Janet

[JanetLG]

Errr...is that a compliment?

[JanetLG]

Authentic,

Wow, you've got such a grasp on abusive behaviour, haven't you? I wish I could've been that organised to have written it all out like that while I was living with my NBoyfriend (wouldn't have helped me much to have given mine that list to read, though...the moron was illiterate).

Janet

[JanetLG]

Authentic,

I'm sorry this is necessary, really:

"And I want to thank you Janet, because all of that forcing me to have sex -- that was rape, and I never quite looked at it like that."

I'd MUCH, MUCH rather have you say 'I don't know what you mean, as I've never had a relationship like that'.

Still, I do see what you mean as far as recognising what actually happened. We deny our own reality, sometimes, because the truth is so painful.


Janet