Author Topic: Dangerous Disguises  (Read 1243 times)

teartracks

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Dangerous Disguises
« on: September 04, 2007, 12:03:26 AM »

Hi Everyone,

I thought this a very interesting commentary.  It came from another unmoderated forum called Suite 101.  I saw no copyright declarations, so I've copied it directly to this thread.

tt

Dangerous Disguises


The most dangerous deceiver is the self-deceived. He is compulsively driven, not to exploit certain other people occasionally for certain specific ends, but to see all people on all occasions only as they relate to his own emotional need. He can, moreover, so rationalize his behavior that he can exploit with a clear conscience: can even make a virtue of it. Finally, his limitations of strength, goodness, and love are peculiarly hard to detect because they are backed up by his total personality structure. He does not give himself away - as the deliberate deceiver does by overplaying his part - because he does not know that there is anything to give away. Shielded by his own rationalizations, he is sincere in believing that other people ought to serve him because he is superior; or ought to help him, and fail to do so only because they are selfish; or ought to appreciate the fact that he is acting for their own good when he tries to run their lives. Thus convinced, he can put on a performance so convincing that others often begin to feel guilty if they do not subordinate their interests to his, their unalienable rights to his unsatisfied needs.
from Bonaro Overstreet


reallyME

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Re: Dangerous Disguises
« Reply #1 on: September 04, 2007, 06:48:58 AM »
BEEN THERE.  DONE THAT FOR ABOUT 20 YEARS NOW...AM WANTING OUT OF IT!

You just described NH that I live with, had 3 children with, and who gets worse as times goes on!

He believes that, because people back in the 1960's felt sorry for his poor family who lived in poverty, and dropped turkey meals on his front porch, that they SHOULD be doing that for us now and WILL be at some point.  He feels WELFARE is HIS, because HE PAYS HIS TAXES, so we should LIVE ON IT, even if he is working or not...as in "THEY OWE US!"

He believes that, because people don't tell him what a JERK he is TO HIS FACE, that everyone thinks he is as great as the people did in his childhood neighborhood.

NH LIVES HIS PAST IN OUR PRESENT and tries every chance he gets, to "go back there" in his mind, where there was nothing but ACCOLADES and PEOPLE WHO TOLD HIM HE WAS WONDERFUL.  Of course, why WOULD he want to live with a wife who COMPLAINS all the time, cause she sees her children feeling hungry and him doing nothing about it, hears the cries of "mom, it's sooooooooooo hot" cause he refuses to let them use fans in their rooms during the summer, "Mom we're soooooooooo cold in our rooms" cause he refuses to understand that we need HEAT in the winter that can be adjusted and must not be LOCKED by him  at a certain temp, because "statistics say the national average house needs to stay at 65% at all times"...a wife who cries because she watches roaches crawl across her newborn's face and feels them crawl on her legs at night (years ago), and INSISTS he find a way to exterminate the house!...........sure, it's real nice that he can escape back into childhood where everyone told him "you're not like your brothers, the druggies...you are the RESPONSIBLE SON, THE GOOD NEIGHBOR"

SOrry, but even typing this, makes me see how DEMENTED the whole situation IS and HAS BEEN FOR SO LONG.  Everything in me wants out, but I know it's just not the right timing yet.  I've got to get prepared and not react on impulse.  I keep hoping it will get better.

Dangerous Disguises...well, he'd never SEE that he's wearing one, but he wore one from DAY ONE.

~Laura

changing

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Re: Dangerous Disguises
« Reply #2 on: September 04, 2007, 07:43:28 AM »
Laura-

I am sorry for the pain and privation that you have suffered, especially the feeling that you have an NH who has no interest in being a partner. I have experienced great material deprivation, as well as the horrible feeling of being with an uncaring NH. You are in my prayers and thoughts.

Love,

Changing

Certain Hope

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Re: Dangerous Disguises
« Reply #3 on: September 04, 2007, 12:34:11 PM »
Teartracks,

Thank you for this.
I've been thinking alot about the abuser's disguise, and even more about what it is, exactly, which makes the disguised abuser so dangerous to me, personally.... to any of us. I'm sorry this is long, but I don't know any other way to dig into it, and because I believe you'll understand this, I'd like to try to spell it out.

There's been more contact with my mother in the past couple weeks than in recent history.
In one phone call, her tone was heavy with sarcasm, mockery, disdain, criticism, and every other cerebral-N'ish-quality which I've come to
recognize. She has always emanated these toxins from every pore of her being, but they're no longer odorless, tasteless, and colorless tme.
In that call, she made a special point to let me know what she thinks of my husband...  not much.

Her very next note by mail, written 2 days after that call, doesn't begin with "hi!" as usual, but she addresses the letter to each of us by name, including my husband. Have each of us really become individual human beings in her eyes... so suddenly? No, she's just back to keeping up appearances again. Even mentions my husband's new job... hey, any bit of info in a storm. Happy, happy, joy, joy... with a p.s. "I sure could use some mail from all of you!" (exclamation point even has a heart-shaped dot = nausea.)
Well, she may indeed get my mailing today or tomorrow, but it's not what she's expecting.

Another phone call this past Sunday. Again: "What's new?!" - but this time, in a less demanding tone. So once again, I tried to tell a bit >>> instantly, she cut me off to tell one of her stories (which made little sense) >>> then she was done and had to go.  Mission accomplished... now she can say that she talked to me.
Also, she managed to deprive my dad of the opportunity of talking to me. Two birds with one call.
That was his punishment, by the way. What my heart knows is that she called me because he dared to bring someone home from church to show them his woodworking handicrafts. And I realized... the entire production, once again, had nothing whatsoever to do with me.
She was simply reenacting a very old battle formation.

Through all this, I'm beginning to recognize what is the danger of N in disguise.
For me, it's not that she may get me to do something, to give something, to expend myself in some way.
I don't feel threatened by that... I enjoy giving and sharing.

No, the danger is - of getting caught up in N's warped thinking and role-playing... because she wants you to ally with her, to be her accomplice... as she perpetrates her hate-filled, shame-driven attacks upon anyone who doesn't fall in line behind her, anyone who deprives her of her entitlement of continuous showers of attention and gratitude, affirmation, efforts to please... all poured endlessly into the leaky vessel that she is.
And beyond that, she seeks to turn you into a carbon-copy of herself, so that you're just as bitter, devoid of empathy, phony, manipulative, and haughty as she. Misery truly does love company... and that's the real danger, I think.
 
My mother has used a divide-and-conquer approach all of my life.
I remember her quiet, pseudo-concerned rants against my dad's family....
"I just don't know what may have happened in that family..."
as though they were all in denial, all problematic, all so far beneath her royal notice.
How blessed they should have considered themselves that she even took a moment to notice them.
Oh, how very much they could have learned from boundless wisdom and knowledge....
And If only they'd roll over and quit breathing, then she could mold my dad and the rest of us into her glorious image.

Not gonna happen.

Thanks again, tt.  If you have any other thoughts on what is the real danger of N, I'd surely like to hear them.

Laura and Changing, Although my mother provided for physical needs, I see the m.o. of many of these npd men of withholding the most basic human comforts in an attempt to bring their targets low. Npd-ex used to love talking about how he could live in a cave, if need be.
For all I know, he is. But at some point, I made up my mind I wasn't going along for that ride, and you know what... there's something about being stripped to that level, where he was taking me and my kids, that just ignites a fire beneath you to get moving and get to a place of safety. For that reason, I'm thankful for what he did... and I just hope, Laura, that you know you are worthy and able to have your needs met, for you and your children.

With love,
Hope








Ami

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Re: Dangerous Disguises
« Reply #4 on: September 04, 2007, 01:35:30 PM »
((((((((Laura and Changing))))))))))))))))))    I am so sorry. Life is so, so, so hard sometimes   Love   Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung