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What's better for the kids?

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el123:
Thanks for all of the replies.  

Guest, I agree with you that if she were outright mean, she'd be cut off ASAP.  She knows this.  

Michelle, I never thought of the undermining that she was doing to that extent.  Thank you, that is something for me to seriously think over.

write,
--- Quote ---Is that a long-term pattern of acting out through you?
--- End quote ---

 
No, her usual MO is to directly attack but, who knows, the playing field has changed now with children in the picture so the MO may well have changed.  

--- Quote ---It'll take time but keep building yourself up, until you truly don't care what other people ( especially unsupportive
--- End quote ---
people ) think, but trust your own view of the world.
Thanks for this.  This is something that I really need to work on.  I have realized that I'm overly concerned with what other people think and rely less on my inner convictions which are quite strong.  
 
Rob,

--- Quote ---I think by violating your wishes - even in small things, she is disrespecting you as a parent. I think when your children begin to percieve that - they will disrespect you as well, if you dont stop it from happening
--- End quote ---

This is a very disturbing thought and one I need to think on.  I feel that you are right.  

It does sound like we have a lot in common!

-E

Ishana:
Hi El.

Thought I'd weigh in on this one since I have a child who is almost grown and has given me feedback on this.  My stepmother (who is the N) and my father, who is completely enmeshed with my stepmother, behaved very similarly to what you and others in this thread described.  I recognized the lavishness, the wanting to be the center of my child's universe, and the undermining in small but significant ways.  I actually maintainted limited contact with my folks because things were so weird and I couldn't trust them with him.  

When he became older they became less interested in him because he didn't "worship" him, but they did continue to try to win him over with presents and money at times.  As a matter of fact, my son (who is almost 20 years old now) has very little interest in them at all because he knows they aren't interested in him as a person.  I feel glad that I was able to protect him from them because he seems so healthy in his response to their demands for his attention and adoration.  He is somewhat sad that he doesn't have a grandfather (his grandfather on his father's side passed away some time ago) but he also isn't interested in trying to have a relationship with people who don't really care about him as a person.  He told me some time ago that he recognized that his grandparents were trying to "buy" his love and he isn't interested in that type of love.  He has expressed to me that he is glad I maintained limited contact (once or twice a year, if that) because he felt more time with them would have been damaging and confusing.  If anything, he would have liked even less time or no time at all, which is what he expressed as he got older.

I am grateful to have such a wonderful young person in my life who has strong and healthy values and boundaries.  I do think you can gauge your children's responses and take their reactions into consideration when deciding how much time and in what activities they will engage with your mother.  Ultimately, this is absolutely your (and your spouse's) decision regarding what is best for your children.

Ishana

Anonymous:
Hi El,

I read your note and was bothered by the position your children are put in by your mother.  I found the replies enlightening and wanted to add that my read on the situation was that your mother would like to believe and to encourage your children to be loyal to her.  Maybe this is just a different way to say what another said above about undermining your authority, but I think loyalty issues are going to confuse your kids and create chaos, esp. for the younger ones.  

If your mom can't respect your rules, you may have to put your foot down.  Your children may appreciate the fact that you are making the hard call when necessary vs. them having to negotiate the middle ground.  (BTW, I'm proud of your oldest daughter too for sticking up for her sister and for her need for consistency.  Way to go!)  

Also strongly agree with the post that said N will drop the kids when they show signs of individuality.  My NSIL LOVED her nieces until age 4, then she couldn't criticize them enough...the other shoe will drop.

Good luck.  I know this is a tough one.  Seeker

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