Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
How do you know for sure?
sjkravill:
Hi Learning,
I am starting to understand the mechanics of the N disease, but I still can't really understand why they do this. I mean how can they? It is so conniving and cruel You inspire me by saying that you can deal with it some of the time. I don't think I'll ever be able to. Right now my only defense it to run.
I have the same experience of not understanding this. Even after I read a book, read this board, or talk to my therapist, even after it is explained to me a zillion times, I still find myself asking "but why/how on earth???" Have you read Dr. G's website on voicelessness and Narcissism? It's the first site that comes up when I type "voicelessness" into my google search. I have read it several times. It makes sense. Still, this behavior will never really "make sense." I have had other converstaions on this board with the struggle to "get it" internally. I understand it intellectually, but cannot internalize my understanding or come to any sort of acceptance.
I also wanted to say that "running" may be a very healthy response. Your soul is telling you to get away! The same reaction when happens when one touches a hot pan. One's body says "danger" and it pulls away. One doesn't keep one's hand on the pan and try to talk it into cooling off! It may eventually cool off, but it will be too late for your hand!Ok, forgive my stupid analogy. Maybe the only thing you need to 'get' is that this relationship is destructive. Your must take care of you before you can care for anyone else.
People are not pans, are they? :) There are lots of factors to consider. When I say sometimes I can deal with it, I mean some days I have hope for change. Some days I am really good at drawing strict boundaries and sticking to them. Some days I am not completely exhausted and destroyed, and I have some patience. Some days I don't beat myself up.
Self deception or realistically based optomism???? Don't know!
I have not really been able to assess the long-term harms and benefits. If things don't change in the long run, it may be better if I had the courage to 'run.' Perhaps this is really linked to the internal understanding of a situation. I do know that either option (staying or leaving) can be very painful and hopeful at the same time...
Peace, sjkravill
seeker:
Hi Learning,
We understand how overwhelming it can be. I was excited, validated when I found this information. Then angry and upset. Then confused. Did this really happen to me? Why didn't I realize what was going on before, why now? etc etc. I would immerse myself in information, then have to back off to process it all. And maybe do some laundry...
In addition, as an ACON our feelings were denied time and again and so just feeling the feelings is a bit different and uncomfortable. No one is around to tell you how they expect you to feel about this. And if they were, they would tell you "it" doesn't exist or isn't a problem! It's a very weird Catch-22.
So, just feel your feelings and don't push yourself for understanding too quickly. Your feelings will tell you how far and how fast to go. There is really no deadline. Post if you want or just surf along. We'll be here if you need us. Take care, Seeker
Learning:
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Spirit:
--- Quote from: sjkravill --- Actually, one of the hardest things for me is to vailidate my experience, or to use the lables. It's hard for me to say to myself "this experience was abusive." It's especially hard when the act of 'abuse' was seemingly subtle, and unassuming.... When N does a really convincing job of framing my reality, I trade his alleged intention for my experience... I think, he is wonderful and I am horrible for perceiving of this situation as abusive. It can get to be a mind f*** at times. My ability to deal with it comes and goes. That's part of what keeps me. The other part is a sincere love for him, and hope that we can both heal.
One day at a time...
Peace, sjkravill
--- End quote ---
Hi Sjkravil, I can very well relate to that. I in a way am desparately searching for that Label just to feel 'secure' in a way because I have problems trusting my own experiences. I have often asked my ex-therapist
as to who is the abuser? was it my dad or was it my mom ? what is it called ? is it emotional or is it neglect or is it more ? etc And she used to remind me again and again that only I would know cos she has never met my parents and to convince myself of my own experiences. I never could cos there are those strong voices implanted for their own selfish motives that contradicts and overwhelms my own experiences. Typical work of an N I think.
I even feel guilty of contradicting that 'trust of love' or bond or whatever that exists between me and the N. Imagine , I sometimes feel guilty of posting this or saying this to the therapist, cos sometimes I feel I am wrong and is simply 'unfaithful' or not affectionate enough towards my parents?
Learning:
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