UPDATE on my situation: how can things go from so good to so sucky so fast...

[Hopalong]

(((((((((((((((Laura))))))))))))))))))))

sending strength and serenity while you evaluate things.

love,
Hops

[reallyME]

Interesting update here...my husband recently has asked me to read him the latest book on Narcissism and marriage in an age of Confusion.  He likes the book although we tend to end up in heated arguments.

[lighter]

I don't know what to think of that request, disucssing N with your N.... etc. 

I only know that heated arguments leave me wilted and dizzy.

Crazy making stuff, that.

I don't see any value at all in that exhausting song and dance. 

Absolutely irrational to go through it, IMO.

I wish I had some advice on how to avoid the arguments and really communicate.

::shaking head::

[reallyME]

well, it's like this...I agreed to stay with him if he agreed to get evaluated and go for any help he needs.  He agreed, so I'm here, and, since I'm here, him wanting to hear about what N in relationships is all about, is a GOOD thing.

He tends to be more Avoidant and OCD than N usually, but he has his N traits for sure.

[dandylife]

Hi Really Me,

I was the one who recommended that book. And coincidentally, I just recently found my copy!

I was looking through it because I tend to underline and asterisk passages that I find especially compelling.

I put an asterisk by this: (Pg. 46 The Narcissistic Continuum)

"Two variables influence the course of all intimate relationships. On one hand, there is a sense of separateness and autonomy, a freedom of action. On the other hand is the universal desire for an occasional regression to a state of 'symbiotic fusion' - perfect understanding by a loving other (Shor and Sanville, 1978; Horner, 1986) Finding an acceptable balance between these two desires is the dilemma of love relationships."

This is what I find is the core of this book.

And the core of deciding about a relationship.

Is there a balance between having a "self" that is independent and self-reliant and outspoken - and then is there also a drawing together in times of stress and confusion?

I think a relationship is worthwhile if there is a level of support and a level of comforting each other.

There are ALOT of underlines and asterisks in my copy of the book, so if I see anything else that might prove relevant - I'll jump back in, if you like.

Dandylife

[lighter]

ReallyME... it sounds like you can have a conversation with your husband without arguing. 

That's gotta be a good thing.

That you can still listen to him... with empathy.... when at the point of issuing ultimatums and dealing with his sabotage in the family.....

is amazing.

If anyone can make that relationship work, it's you. 

Just make sure you don't relax any of your boundaries while he makes comforting sounds.

He needs to walk the walk, not just talk the talk, KWIM?

You don't have to get angry to enforce a boundary either..... though sometimes I think those of us who are easy going most of the time feel it's necessary.

 It's not and we can make ourselves heard without it?

I think, lol; )