Just Because...

[gratitude28]

You know, one other thing that occurred to me recently is that my mother never did anything just because she was thinking about me. Everything done for me was on a grand scale and complained about.

I often will get my kids something little - or even just make an after school snack they like. And I do it because I love them and it makes them happy.

My mother only knows obligation - and only fulfills the obligation as necessary and with full annoyance.

Any of you all notice the same???

Love, Beth

[Iphi]

Yes definitely, with certain small exceptions that I believe are about my dad's image of himself rather than him actually enjoying doing something for others.

The things my dad would do, he would be angry and complaining about it the whole time.  Such as, I became near sighted in junior high school. He was so angry that he had to buy me glasses and angrily instructed me to only choose from the cheapest selection, as if he expected me to go straight to the designer shades and demand them.  You would think I was the only person in the family who wore glasses, but in fact I was the last to get them and my sister had contacts which she was constantly losing down the sink drain.¹ 

He feels that the littlest thing another person needs is a huge imposition to him.  But he has no problem expecting huge things from others.

Sometimes I would enjoy the things he insisted that we do. For a long time I mistakenly believed that he arranged these things "for" us, but I was wrong.  He arranged them for himself and it was just more convenient that we went along with it.

1. I used to get so angry that he never got angry with her for losing her contacts time and again.

[gratitude28]

He feels that the littlest thing another person needs is a huge imposition to him.  But he has no problem expecting huge things from others.

Boy is this the truth, Iphi.

Yes, also, my sister was driven around to every practice with little complaint... but I quit everthing I tried to do because it became such a bitch-fest just to go to one practice. They also went to see every game/performance for her, but let me do all my stuff by myself.

It is funny, but for her, birthdays and Christmas and such are a pain, because she has to try to find something we would like. I see little things all the time that remind me of people... not that I always get them, but I do think of others. She not only has to give away her precious money in getting stuff for us, but she has to try to actually think what another person might like... and it has to be something she wouldn't want or else she will keep it. She actually called me in Japan to ask me if I wanted her to 'hold' my present (a bracelet that she coveted and dad must have picked out for me). That was one of two times she called me there in 4 years. She buys the kids cheap dollar crap - and the same things over and over because she just desn't care enough to ene remember that she already sent those things. If she does buy them even dollar stuff, it is because she wants an excuse to go shopping for herself.

I don't need or want presents. There has always been such a big deal over anything she has ever done for anyone at any rate.

Sorry all, I know this has been discussed before - just needed to get it out.

Love, Beth

[Ami]

Dear Beth and Iphi.
  I am so sorry that you were treated so poorly. How stupid your parents were to not appreciate two "gems".
  It is so hard for us to believe  that we are worthwhile when all our" tapes" tell us otherwise. That is my goal ,now. To examine those old tapes and to EJECT the ones that are lies and distortions.
  You are both worth so much. I can tell that by your voices. You both are very "top notch" people. Your parents were too wrapped up in distortions to see it.
((((((((((Beth, Iphi))))))))))))))))))))                          Love   Ami

[Certain Hope]

She actually called me in Japan to ask me if I wanted her to 'hold' my present (a bracelet that she coveted and dad must have picked out for me). That was one of two times she called me there in 4 years.

Now that sounds like my mother!
 
And I remember the shopping trips when I was very young... to what I'd consider more exlusive department stores... and there'd be some small item selected for me (a pair of tights?), while she'd go home with several new dresses which she'd promptly stash away in her closet. I always felt that she was hiding this stuff from Dad, but I had no clue why... he is a very generous man.
Now I understand. It wouldn't have suited her "martyr image" for anyone to know how really well she was taking care of herself.

She's alot more blatant about it all now... always and only the best for herself, including with eye, dental, and medical care... while dad is not supposed to need anything and often picks up his shoes at the church rummage sale.

I had to laugh at this, too, Beth:  and it has to be something she wouldn't want or else she will keep it.
Oh, if I had a dollar for every time she's told me that she wanted to get one of (whatever) for me, too, but they didn't have another.

Now I understand that, too. She's not satisfied to just have something that she likes/enjoys. She must also be sure that the person she envies does NOT have whatever it is... and KNOWS it!  Phooey, who has time to live such a withered, anal existence? Not I. Nickname for N = PuckerButt.  

Carolyn

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((((((((((((((Carolyn)))))))))))))))))

How nice to know your real name. I agree with you... it is a lame existence. And sad. I feel sad reading your post because it is so like my family. I feel sad in general about this today... not sure why. It's funny, I receive so much joy from my children. They must be so empty.

Ami, thank you for your ever-sweet vote of confidence You are so kind and always listening to thers.

Love, Beth