Mother's Day - a day of dread and self loathing.

[Anonymous]

Dear mrt,

By all means, DO see a doctor!!  Many of the antidepressants have different strengths.  Also ask if there is a liquid version for when you get to the really little doses at the end.

Again, I have to emphasize educating yourself and paying attention to what your body is telling you.  Only YOU know how you are feeling,  the doctor is not inside YOUR body.  

My doctor did withdraw me gradually, but it wasn't gradual enough.  If you go on the web and read other people's stories, you will find that the most important thing is to take a LOT of time and decrease the dose VERY gradually.  This gives your own brain chemistry time to adjust and maybe start making the chemicals that the drug provided again.

Some people take a year to withdraw, some much less.  That's why I say it's really important to pay attention.  If you start feeling rotten after you decrease a dose, then maybe you decreased it too much.  Or try the decreased dose every other day for a couple of weeks.  There really is no one correct way to do it.  It all depends on how YOU feel and how YOUR body reacts.

From what I have read and from personal experience it's not the beginning part of decreasing the dose that causes the withdrawal.  It's at the end when you STOP entirely.  My aunt is withdrawing from Paxil now and she is down to taking the minutest grain of a pill, like one-sixteenth of the smallest dose.  But since she has taken a year to do it, so far she hasn't suffered.

Since you are on the "voiceless" site here, I am assuming that you probably have issues with believing in yourself and being heard.  This is one area where you really will want to take charge.  What YOUR body tells you ie REAL and you have the right to do this properly and NOT SUFFER.  So, please make sure you find a doctor that will listen to you and take your concerns to heart. Okay?  The doctor is NOT god and probably has NO PERSONAL experience being on antidepressants.

Also, I read that a lot of people had success with switching to Prozac and withdrawing from that instead.  Apparently Prozac has the least amount of withdrawal.  It has something to do with how long the drug takes to break down in your body and how long those breakdown chemicals remain in your body.  Paxil is the worst, Prozac the best and the rest are somewhere in between.

Really,  I can't encourage you enough to read up on it, there's a lot of info out there.  And keep me posted.  I really don't want you to go through what I did.

Gingerpeach

[Anonymous]

Dear Dawning,  

You asked if these drugs are good for inertia.  If by inertia you mean that you just can't do anything, sit on the couch and veg, etc. then I ask if you might actually be depressed?  And calling it inertia?

I was in denial about my own depression for a year and a half.  If I hadn't stared getting panic attacks, I probably wouldn't have done anything about it.  I mean it's kind of like the chicken and the egg, isn't it.  I don't feel like doing anything, so why would I bother doing anything about my depression ?  It's kind of funny if it weren't so paralyzing.  And believe me, I was paralyzed.

See, I could function with my depression though, I always went to work.  I didn't do much else though.  When the panic started, that interfered with everything and I never knew when it would hit.  No control at all is very scary.  

The drug that I was prescribed (Paxil) treats both anxiety and depression.  And like I said in yesterday's post,  it did help me.  It allowed the symptoms to go away so that I could look for apartments, pack, call a mover, stand up to my NH without dissolving into sobs and mush.  So yes, it helped my inertia.  I never would have gotten out from under the N without it.

But.....like I said previously, it can also deaden your emotions.  When I was on it, I almost never cried, even when I wanted to.  This made me feel somewhat like a robot.  I don't like not being able to feel what I'm feeling.  Before, I was feeling too much and couldn't get past that.  So, it enabled me to break the cycle.  And for that I am grateful.  Maybe you might want to talk to a professional about it.

Gingerpeach

[Dawning]

Good morning Ginger Peach!

Thanks for sharing this information.  I will look into it because, while I am fine working,  vacationing, sleeping and using my computer for various reasons ....I have found it difficult to do other important things like go shopping for food and clothes.  I am paying my bills, filing taxes, stuff like that.  Only been like this since the end of March so been thinking it is a necessary phase and one I'm getting over as we now speak.  But I have felt in a rut for a bit longer (as in can't decide how to go about getting what I want, questioning what I want so what I want changes all the time.........blech.)  

Will also search for information about getting off Paxil because I wouldn't intend to take it for a long time.

Thanks again.

[Anonymous]

Dear Dawning,

It was so strange to see you say "Good Morning!"  I guess that is one of the "miracles" of the internet.  I forgot you were on the other side of the planet !!

I wanted to say that if depression is the only thing that is inhibiting you, that is - if you don't have severe anxiety or panic attacks,  you might want to try one of the other antidepressants as Paxil has the worst withdrawal. I didn't remember you saying anything about panic or anxiety.

I go to a women's support group and pretty much all of us have taken antidepressants at one time or another.  Among us, we have probably covered the entire pharmacological spectrum!  All of us have been helped by them, but I definitely had the most severe withdrawal and I was the only one taking Paxil.  

I am glad to hear that you are feeling hopeful about making changes.  I still struggle with the "rut" and resist doing things that are productive and "good for me."  I try to remember though that I don't have to be perfect and just because I'm not, it doesn't mean I have to be perfectly awful either!!  And always remember to give yourself credit for paying attention and for seeking for answers.  

As a child I always asked a lot of questions and as I got older would ask my mother about the meaning of "life."  And she would always say, "Life is a process, and the meaning is in the process."  

I don't think that I really understood what she meant when I first heard her say it, but I do think about it when I am frustrated or down and try to remind myself that it's all a part of life.  It's the process of living it and learning it and accepting it and finding ways to make it better and ourselves better at it.  

My Mom is one of the wonderful parts of my life, so I don't dread Mother's Day at all.  For you and all of the others that have had difficult and impossible mothers, I can only say how sorry I am and hope that there was someone in your life that loved you and heard you.

Gingerpeach

[Anonymous]

Will also search for information about getting off Paxil because I wouldn't intend to take it for a long time.

Caveat about paxil. I took it for a long time, it was great. But I gained a LOT OF WEIGHT. This is a known side effect of Paxil!!! I had to get off of it, because I got a secondary depression from weight gain!! I didn't have any problem getting off of paxil, though.

bunny

[mrt]

Well mother's day came and went without any drama from my N family.    

I honored my wife as the kids and I  showered her with gifts. We spent time with her two grandmothers and her mother and it was a good day although I kind of ruined the end of the day by getting ill and getting a horrible tooth ache.  
My wife's brother was there with his fiance. Tonight I learned that she (his fiance) committed suicide and is in a coma - not expected to live!!!

Oh my God! She seemed fine on Mother's day except I did notice that she said her two daughters were with their fathers. Strange for mother's day. I did notice that she was a little vocal when the subject of my brother-in-law's ex-wife came up. How rude she was to her and how she would call and hang up on her. Other than that she seemed fine. I wish I could of encouraged her in some way. She was a sweet person who deserved so much more.

Here I am whining about my problems and here was a person in pain and I was oblivious. I thought I had a N family until I learned that none of her family would even go to the hospital to see her! I wish I knew why she did this!

Why are people sometimes so evil and hurt other people so bad and never ever see their evilness? I've come to the conclusion that N's are much more dangerous than people can imagine - they inflict much more pain and do much more damage than people realize.  My N family used to make me feel like doing something to myself until I realized that I don't have to put up with their abuse. That they are not worth it. Nobody is worth that.

People hear me now, If someone is driving you into doing something drastic to yourself - then there is a problem! Recognize it. Realize you do not have to live with this toxic situation. Get help. Get out before it's too late for you. Don't play around with N's and toxic people. Deal with them the way they need to be dealt with. Protect yourself and those you love.

mrt  

[Portia]

(((((((((Mr T)))))))))
Can't really say much can I? You've said it all. I'm sorry for you, sorry for her too.

Take care of yourself. Go to the dentist. Look after your teeth.

Get and give lots of hugs, 9 a day minimum.
(((((((((Mr T and his loved ones)))))))))

[Dawning]

Hi Mrt,

Poor woman.  How tragic that no one has visited her in the hospital.  If she is still in the coma, I would go and visit her if I lived nearby.  Maybe she felt isolated and was good at pretending that everything was fine.   Sounds like it.  Lots of people like this, I reckon.  I wonder who could shed some light on helping you understand why she did this.  

I am super-glad to hear that you did something good with your wife and kids and that those parents of yours didn't get in the way.  Woopee!  

And thanks for reminding us all that you care.  

You know, I think any whining done on this board is evidence that we are NOT leading miserable lives.  I think about people living life in quiet and silent desperation.  Never reaching out for some reason.  Reaching out to the wrong people repeatedly and, over time, becoming withdrawn and suicidal maybe because they never found an expression for their feelings.  

Reaching out, reaching in and sharing, and ever always moving to a place of self-acceptance and acceptance of others  -  means a h*ll of a lot to me.  So when are we going to have the voiceFUL retreat?  I suggestion we all meet in the Cook Islands and rent a villa.    

Mrt, I love your "N toxic ducks" phrase and I love the way it sounds when I say it.  Those dam* N-toxic ducks as in *Oh, no.... here comes another one.  waddle waddle*  Great imagery.   Thanks!      ~Dawning.

[mrt]

I went to the hospital last night fighting flooding, hail, threats of tornados - leaving my family  - to go check on my brother-in-law. He had quit answering his phone. We were thinking the worst for him.  I went to check on her and to look for him because she was in still listed as being in the Intensive Care Unit. When I got there he was gone. (he was told to go home because his fiance was dead) But she was out of her coma and was asking where he was. I told her I didn't know. She started crying. I told her he was okay and not to worry about him but to concentrate on getting better. (I still didn't know if she was going to live - how do you handle a situation like that??)
Her family did come to visit her because they had to make a decision regarding putting her on a respirator  - to artificially keep her alive - but she pulled through and didn't need it. So they left. Her sister was the only one there. She stated  they didn't want him (my brother-in-law) to know anything about her condition.  and after awhile,  I was escorted out.

I found out today that she is probably going to survive. I'm thrilled and relieved that she's okay.

I later found out that HE was okay and THEN later today,  he called his sister (MY WIFE), the legal secretary,  and was concerned about his money he spent on a vehicle she owned that her family came and removed from his property!    OMG!!!

  I understand her family's position. He is a classic N. this part that I wrote was about him.

Why are people sometimes so evil and hurt other people so bad and never ever see their evilness? I've come to the conclusion that N's are much more dangerous than people can imagine - they inflict much more pain and do much more damage than people realize.... Nobody is worth that.

This whole situation has made me examine some of the people still in my life. I still have some N's that are taking me on a roller coaster ride!
Can I get off now? Stop the damn ride. This ain't fun. I'm getting ill. I want a different amusement park to play in.  One full of nice normal people who are thoughtful, empathetic, and who don't take take take. Is there such a place or am I living in a fantasy world?

No More Drama - Please My heart can't take this.
mrt.

[Dawning]

This whole situation has made me examine some of the people still in my life. I still have some N's that are taking me on a roller coaster ride!
Can I get off now? Stop the damn ride. This ain't fun. I'm getting ill. I want a different amusement park to play in. One full of nice normal people who are thoughtful, empathetic, and who don't take take take. Is there such a place or am I living in a fantasy world?

Well, first thing is that you WANT to get off and that is GOOD! Give up asking for permission to anyone but yourself. So on this rollercoaster that sounds never-ending, you are going to have to come up with a way to get off that doesn't cause major injury. You may end up with some scratches and bruises though but I'll bet your wife and kids will be there to help with that. And this board too. The important thing is that you can get up and walk away so be careful. Once off, don't let them take you on that ride again. Walk away, take a breather and start your new journey to a world of less takers.  Are you are reader?  I've got to recommend it again: Healing The Child Within by Charles L. Whitfield. He writes "there is a way out" more than once in the book. It is always helpful for me to remember that and never forget the light at the end of the tunnel when I start going into hyper-sensitive overdrive.  Take some time to yourself in the mornings, the late-afternoons - have a walk.  Join a gym.  

I'm rootin for ya.  

[mrt]

My wife took me to the dentist this week because I had taken some pain pills to try to relieve the pain of my toothache and was in no condition to drive.
After she dropped me off at home  - she returned to work. She's manages a law firm and is a legal secretary - basically a lawyer without the degree. Well she had to stay late to help this guy with a divorce.  No big deal in her line of work.
I was at work telling a co-worker about my brother-in-laws fiance attempting suicide when another co-worker told me that her husband had to cover for someone because this person's relative had shot himself in the head and that he died.
Come to find out it was the guy that my wife helped with his divorce!

I woke up yesterday Thursday mad as a hornet. My wife was upset with me because I was mad at her. I didn't know why I was even mad at her - I should have been there for her as she was hurting but I just brushed her off and wanted to be left alone.  I guess I was mad because of the drama that I get dragged into with her brother and her occupation.
At my job, I assist people with computer/network problems. I basically help people. But with her job - they can do some major damage to people's lives . I told her that I help people and that they kill people.
I know that was bad of me to say - but that's what I felt at the time. Now she's really pissed at me for saying that.

I'm at a loss for how to feel or what to say. I know I should be supportive, I know I shouldn't have been upset with her but I was. We have just gotten through all the junk with my N family and was beginning to have some so - called peace.  Now she's says I'm behaving just like my N family does. (She knows that torques me to no end - pushing those buttons like women do so well!   ). That I bail emotionally whenever things get tough. I don't feel like I'm bailing but I would like a little less chaos in my life. No more suicides - please.

Ladies out there. Am I being a jerk? What should I do/say? Be brave -  you won't hurt my feelings any. Tell me like it is - set me straight. I need some insight.

mrt

[mrt]

....we all meet in the Cook Islands and rent a villa.  

Dear Dawning,
Where do I sign up? Although I'm really petrified to doing anything this week - This week has been so much fun I can hardly stand it.

 Are you are reader? I've got to recommend it again: Healing The Child Within by Charles L. Whitfield.

Okay Dawning, I'm taking your advice and am watching 3 copies on Ebay as we speak. (I'm an Ebay junkie   )

Thanks for all your input.

mrt

[mrt]

Dear Dawning,

I went ahead and bought a copy of  Healing The Child Within    via "Buy It Now" off of Ebay.
Looking forward to reading it.

mrt

[Wildflower]

Hi mrt,

Yuck.  What a horrible couple of weeks you've been having!!!  

Dealing with your mother, a suicide attempt in the family on an already very stressful day for you, and now, another suicide close to home?  Of course you're stressed!  And I can see how you'd want to shove all this stuff away - even if it means taking it out on your wife's profession.  But it isn't about that, is it?  Your wife's profession?  It's about all this drama that doesn't seem to let up - and a really bad bit of it right now.

You're not a jerk for saying what you did.  You're having a rough time.  But I bet you'd feel better if things were okay between you and your wife - instead of it being yet another drama.  Have you talked to her about how stressed you are?  Can you guys take a weekend together?  Get away from all the noise in some bed-and-breakfast somewhere?

(((hugs)))
Wildflower

[mrt]

Dear Wildflower,
Thanks for your kind words,

Can you guys take a weekend together? Get away from all the noise in some bed-and-breakfast somewhere?

Oh that sounds like such a good idea. That has been going through our minds too. To get away. But we are too petrified to move - afraid of what's going to happen next!  A cloud hanging over us of  doom and gloom.  

Next week's our 16th anniversary. I'm gonna try.  

mrt