Like I said, Robin is NOT a bad person. She has always done what she could to deal with her issues, even though, while doing so, I'd be wounded by her tendencies of passive-aggressiveness. I do NOT believe those times were incidents she could help. Seeing her suffering with dystonia DEVESTATED me, because I couldn't stop her from hurting. I even prayed for her and her body continued to twist and she would stop breathing for minutes at a time. It was TERRIFYING to me to see someone I so dearly loved enduring such excruciating pain without much relief.
Robin mentioned that up to this past Christmas, at which time her husband became aware, she fell off the wagon. It must be understood that alcohol was sometimes used to dull pain. I know it, I've seen it, and I understand it. She does the best she can to cope with things and sometimes it gets the best of her, as with all of us who have any sort of addictive struggles.
I am glad to hear you are using your tools and have opened up about the things you were going through. I kept it secret from your husband as you requested, because I didn't want you to end our friendship. I now apologize for not having told him sooner. In the end, you left anyway, so, anything I would have said that ended the family secrets or broke that silence, would have ended our friendship. That's what is clear to me.
I am glad you did finally visit this place. Yes, these people have been through things similar to you and some just too awful to think about . The point is, we here, have learned to address our issues and break the silence that holds us all bound. The "don't talk don't tell" rule is not in force in this place. That is why I've stayed here. Feel free to stay or to depart as is in your best interest.
I understand your being taken aback and shocked at what I have written here, but it is a support group and we are free to share openly among one another. It is no different than our groups online of years ago. We all have been supporting, correcting, encouraging one another in this forum as that is what it's for. We are all at different stages of healing as well, from the abuses we have endured. Not only are people often shocked to read what is shared, but people were shocked to experience the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual abuse of the predatory figures in their lives.
I appreciate you wishing me well in my life, Robin. I am working toward being the best person I can be, whom God created me to be. It's just sad that you and I could not have worked through things in a healthier way than how it all ended, but I also consider YOUR needs and struggles as valid and understandable. The things you have endured are just dreadful and damaging, and I have a respect for you always being able to admit when those things influenced some sort of painful reaction and behavior.
You did pose a good question to the board here. Is it possible that I and everyone else here, is just labeling people narcissistic or borderline or avoidant, etc, because we had dealt with those issues? I have to say that is IS indeed possible. I also have to say that by giving something a name, it identifies it and takes some of the sting of the uncertainty for the behaviors away from it and away from the human being displaying them. My heart has always been to "hate the sin, love the sinner" I feel that giving behaviors a name, one is better able to do that. In the past, out of anger, I did a lot more labeling. People here can tell you that I used to think EVERYONE was a narcissist. I am to a place now of discussing behaviors than in wanting to see PEOPLE as damaged merchandise, so to speak. As Kay once told me "hurting people hurt people"
Another reason I label, is because people who DO have these disorders, are generally in DENIAL of those issues. By stating what the behavior is, it thus EXPOSES it and sometimes causes a person to consider that they need help. WIth a true Narcissist however, the response is usually something of denial, aggression and projection, rather than reaching out and considering that they need help. Sad, but true. The next response will be for them to punish the person who dared to notice the issue and then usually replace them with a person who doesn't address it and goes along with it. (thus, the dance of codependency)
Robin:
In closing, I did not answer your email RM that you sent letting me know you had called CPS on my Sister because I felt that it was wrong to take that into your own hands without knowing how things were being handled by J and me alreadyand others in our family.
I would like to point out here that I was told that things were addressed with the authorities, but they refused to get the teen out of the abuse, and that, because of the repurcussions that might come back on Robin, through her mother and sister and others, she didn't want to involve anyone else. So, yes, actually I did know how things were being handled by you and J. You had informed that nothing was being done and I told you "then I WILL STEP IN AND SAVE YOUR NEICE!" Thus, I did my best to do so, by calling/writing CPS, Dr Phil, 20/20, local news stations...ANYONE TO SAVE THAT PRECIOUS LIFE THAT WAS BEING THROW TO THE FLOOR BY A MENTALLY UNSTABLE WOMAN and abused. I would do so again if it meant losing another friend and saving the life of a child.
Now, as you will see in the end of Robin's post, she is again saying "goodbye" to me, letting me know that I did damage and so she does not want me in her life. ANyone here can call me "clingy" "possessive" whatever. My way with relationships is to FIGHT to keep them together, not to say "well you hurt me so GOODBYE" but that again, is a passive aggressive issue that does not really lend well to healthy friendships that last a lifetime. It was a common occurrence with the people I've mentioned, that, once you wronged them or they had to look at a deep flaw, the response was withdrawl of affection or out and out desertion...ignoring phone calls, blocking instant messages, turning friends against people...not healthy ways to work through disagreements with someone you once claimed was "the only one I can trust" See below:
.I have made a conscious decision to not involve myself in your life, I hate issues and constant upheaval of my peace.
Not a pleasant thing to hear once again, although of course it is your choice. It's just more of the same old behavior "you told so I'm gone." At this point, even though it hurts deep down inside that you don't choose to be my friend, again, as when you came back the last time, I MUST accept your RIGHT to be with whom you choose. I'm a relational person...always have been, but when someone does not want to be with me, because they know I will take charge when abuse is happening, that spells out something about them, not me. Abuse is ILLEGAL, by the way. Anyone keeping it a secret, besides the victim being damaged for life, is committing a crime. I am now a professional counselor (meaning, I am paid for my services)...by LAW I must report any "hint" of abuse that I see. I will do no less than that to ensure the safety and security of children and future adults on this panet. I am not the "savior" but I am an extension of Him in this world, as are all of His chldren!
.I truly pray you find healing, and healthy friends to hang with here or wherever, and may you all be blessed with many friends who you relate to. I truly am sorry for hurting you Laura in walking away, I do have feelings just as you all do, but to protect myself from past stumbling blocks that cause me to fall . . .I'll stop here, it's time now for me to just "SitDown!"
Have a blessed day and just make today count for something, do the next best thing for yourself, you are all valuable and worthy of dignity and respect.
StandingUp
This was typical of past behavior too...something like "may God bless you and know that I love you and pray for you every day"...which she DOES, because I've SEEN her on her knees with long lists of people to pray for...point is, in spite of that, the end result was always "have a good life, Laura" and POOF, gone forever. I've faced that over and over again with several people, and let me tell you, there is not one time that hurts less than another. That sort of "hit n run" way of "dealing" with issues, is just not acceptable for me. Again, Robin, as you head to your wilderness with the Lord, I bless you and love you and I pray God's peace will cover and restore you whether or not you and I ever meet again.
~Laura- reallyME
