2 steps up, 2 steps down, 2 on the same place.

[Lupita]

This week, I failed to enforce my boundaries, repeatedly.  On Wednesday, a student used the F word, (freaking) which is prohibited in my school. I felt bad because I was being nice to them and this student got mad because I did not let him go to another class to do something else. Probably I was having an unimportant something, going on in my class and he felt I should let him go out. So I said no and he said the frisking word. Not the real F word. On Thursday my e mail at school did not work and the principal is constantly sending me memos that I should check my e mail twice a day. So, I told him that it did not work and he said to ask the computer teacher to help. I did, and she started yelling at me, saying that was not her job, and she projected to me and said that I came with an attitude asking for help when she was doing a favor. I told her that the principal told me to ask her and she said that she was going to tell him not to that that anymore. I said, be my guest.  Then she said I do not want to be mad, and I said I am not mad and gave her a hug because I am afraid of having problems. Today I was having quesadillas with all my classes. All classes behaved perfectly until the last period. Sixth period, one student got a little piece of tortilla and threw it at me. He said that he was playing. I know that he was playing. He was not being aggressive. Just playful. So, I got upset since we had not started the quesadillas I told them that we would have them next week and now we would watch a video. We watch a Spanish video for the whole period. I told them that they had to behave in my class and be respectful or I would kick them out of class and send them sit at the office because I was not paid to put up with them but to teach. Foreign language.  That was at the beginning of the period. On top of all, the only date I have had in years is and AH, and everybody tells me that why I go out with him. I go out with him because I am tired. It is a beginning, anyway. He does not call in between dates, and says several times that he does not know where he will be next year. I do not know where I will be next year but I do not tell him. I was so happy  last week. Suddenly everything is going bad,, or not really bad, there is no comparison with the problems I had in the past. This is nothing. That sixth period do not hate me, They are just being kids and I have to be assertive and  mark my boundaries very clearly. So I have to meditate what I am going to do next Monday. The thing is that I feel I am going backwards, but not as bad as I did in the past. At least I still feel pretty. On top of all I went with my fitness club to the beach yesterday and I fell playing dodge ball. I am getting old. Nobody laughed at me, they are nice people. Still, I felt ashamed. I feel that everybody knows that they can abuse me. I have a sign on my forehead. At least it took me a month to start having problems. Last year I had problems since the first week.
Your thoughts are very welcome. Whether I like them or not, I welcome your ideas and thoughts and appreciate the time that you put into writing me. God bless you.

[lighter]

OOOOH ((Lupita))
 
I wish I could invite you to come and eat mommy food in my kitchen..... it's storming here and I have candles lit..... I'm going to cook something comforting and warm.

First.... I want to say that I think you did fine with the 6th period class with your boundaries.  That's how your life will improve in the classroom.  Well done.

Second.  If I had to feel bad about all the times I hit the mat.... hard.... in front of people I was training with.... I'd have missed all the wonderful things I gained. 

Don't sweat the falling down stuff.

When I learned to ski.... I fell and laughed and fell and laughed and the world loved me!  Falling and laughing!  It was my happy spirit, not the falling, that they liked me thinks.

Laugh and go get'em!

About the date..... pretty Lupita needs to broaden her horizons.

See other people. 

Don't tell anyone that you see this one or that one.

It's your business and you aren't married to any of these men.... you don't have to act married either.

Dance.... it makes you happy.

Nurture yourself.... it brings perspective.

Laugh at and with yourself for how droll the world would be where people don't have a sense of humor about themselves.

It's FRIDAY!

What'cha got planned?

[Ami]

Dear Lupita,
  I really need to learn boundaries so, I  empathize with you.
   I used to really feel sorry for the teachers that my sons would tell me about. The kids will torture a teacher  who does not have "iron" boundaries. Forget it,if they ever had a substitute.
  I have to say ,honestly, that people can "read" an "I can be  abused" on someone's forehead.
  Authentic really  helped me with boundaries. Her thread is wonderful. Also,she stands up for herself in a way that I admire. I have learned about  boundaries in the last few days.
  I have already started to use it with my older son. If I tell him that I am busy, he will keep ignoring me until he wears me down and I do what he wants ---IOW- I have NO boundaries.
  I have been making a very big effort to make myself set and enforce boundaries. It feels SELFISH-- the biggest sin according to my M.
  It is a very "new" action to me. However,I think that it is worth just doing it over and over until we feel like we are WORTH IT. That is my take on it                                Ami

[lighter]

Lighter.....

Can I come, too?

I had to pick just one post this morning to read.  (I am burning the candle at both ends)

....but wanted you to know that your post this morning gave me such a breath of fresh air. 

Much love,

CB



You're always welcome in my kitchen, CB.  ::offering a stool and hot tea or coffee::

Let's warm some Fresh Market crusty chewy bread and eat it with butter...mmmmm.

I was so happy to see your voice this morning..... it was the first post I read (((CB))

Come back, when you can, and let us know what's keeping you so busy.

[Lupita]

OMG!!!!  You think I did well????????????  I feel like sh*t. My date told me, after almost three months of flirting and playing around, no sex, thank God, that he wanted to keep my friendship and that he thought that sex would ruin it. I know that I will find more, but, do I want more? I have to build self esteem. He told me that he wants to go dancing with me again, that I just say when. I do not want to see his stupid face. I hate him. He planned it. He sent me mixed messages, constantly. If he did not want a relationship with me, why did he ask me out so many times, and made out in such a sweet way and had so much fun? And he said he did not know where he would be next year, and I do not know where I will be next year. So it was OK with me. I do not want to take care of a sick husband and I do not want to support a hasband that lost his job, I do not want commitments, I only want to have fun and enjoy what life has to offer. That was not enough for him, he had to hurt me. I guess, I am glad he is away of my life now. I still have to see him in dance school, but since nothing happened, I do not have to be ashame. I do not know if I was rejected and he witheld someting I really wanted, or he was honest and he really does not want to eat where he sh*ts and not sh*t where he eats, and that is so true for everybody. maybe he saved me from having horrible moral hang over, maybe I should not feel rejected, but grateful. Still, he destructed the little self esteem that with so much hard work I had built. I saw the mirror today and saw wrinkles, an ugly nose, too much chicks, I need plastic surgery. I will get a loan and get a ritidectomy. Maybe he was mad because I wanted to go out with him on a Friday because I had a nice group of friends to go out on Saturday. Maybe he gets mad because half of the men at the dance school want to get in my pants. And I had to choose the most misogene man. I always do that. I always pick the most selfish, Nish, cold, distant, etc.
Dear CB, Dear Amy, Dear Lighter, please,please, give me some more encouragement. I feel awful. I need to listen to Louis Hay right now.

[Lupita]

Why did he fool around with me if he thought it was a bad idea. he accused me of flirting with him. I promise, he started it. I was in class and I was his partner at that particular moment and he said he could not see what the teacher was showing because that girly body of mine was distracting him. I was not flirting. I did not have enough confidence to flirt. I could not. That was three months ago. Yesterday he told me that I did not dance at his level. I know I dance better than him. I have never told him. I ust told him that I need more firm leadership during dancing and he said I was wrong and got very mad. I just said that I neede a cue more obvious so i could understand the turns he wanted to lead. He told me that it was my fault, my arm is too flufy. I still dont understand what happened last night. He practically told me he did not want to have sex with me. He wanted it before and I was not ready. Once I am ready, he does not want it anymore. He wanted me to feel rejected.

[Lupita]

I am mad at my self for falling in the same trap over and over again. I guess I need counseling. I cant afford it. I ahve a life trap. How come after 17 years alone I suffer the same sh*t. After so much meditating, losing weight, listeing to positive affirmations, still did the same sh*t. Maybe he was honestly saving our friendship. Because we really have fun together. I do not know what to think. I am very confused. He always wanted sex, in three months I did not want, i was not ready, because he was becoming sweeter and sweeter I finally milted in his amrs. Suddenly, he does not want it anymore, it is a bad idea. Since when it was a bad idea. What cables am I missing in my brain that i did not understand that.
I am going to apply for a loan for a ritidectomy.
Does anybody know about the modern processes for ritidectomy? I know there is laparoscopy ritidectomy. No big cuts.
I am decided. I want plastic surgery. I do I do I do. I am going to search the internet right now. To see if I can find a short procedure that does not take more than two weeks recovery. There must be one. I know there is a kew procedure ambulatory that you o to work the next day. I will find out.

[lighter]

Yes... Yes.... YES!

Lupita you want more!

And you're entitled to more.

You have your eyes open and you're paying attention to what you invite in.

Time to send out more invitations, dress up... feel good and get out of the house.

DANCE!  

Flirt..... eventually make out like a teenager and enjoy all the thrills and chills that go along with.

As far as I'm concerned..... that dance class boy was just practice and things went as well as they could have.

::nod::

OK... as far as WHY dickhead dance boy 'hurt you'....

I DO BELIEVE IT WAS BC YOU WOULDN'T GO OUT WITH HIM SATURDAY NIGHT, but only offered your Friday night.

 Heh... I bet his head spun and now.... in his head.... he's saying....

"bitch must pay"  Bleck... take a pass.

Personally..... that red flag is so toxic I'm not going to give you the advice I'd follow.... for there be monsters and I want you to have something new now.  

Something Better.. ::nodding::

So.... here's the plan.... dance with him all you want at dance class but..... time to get busy and say yes to more dates and dancing with other men... from class and outside class but dancing and laughter ONLY for a bit.  

Let's see how you feel about different kinds of men.

I think that part of finding and dating nice men is.... ::gulp::

Saying YES to men we'd normally say NO to.  

Sorry but..... they don't set off any alarms or whistles or bells.

They aren't setting us on fire with their fixed hot gaze.... taking us apart and planning what they'll do to us.

They aren't THE most charming eyes glowing like a werewolf sweep us off our feet men.

It's true.  

They're just real and nice and sweet and actually walk the walk.

The interesting thing about that is.... most of us haven't ever seen a man walk the walk, lol.

It's not familiar, it seems awkward and looks a bit....

well.....

boring.

The bad boys can really talk the talk... and that we're used to.  That we understand.  That's what we've come to recognize as love and attraction... but it's the wrong stimulation.

Here's the good new about that....

after you keep saying YES to these  good guys, not boys.... G U Y S....

then you realize that you sort'a miss'em when they're not around.

Then you sort'a kind'a find yourself wishing they were around.

You LIKE BEING TREATED WELL.

Your brain has been tricked and now....

YOU LIKE BEING CONSIDERED AND HAVING YOUR NEEDS, and desires, P R I O R I T I Z E D.

And ya know what....?

The lessons that come from here are HUGE.

Pretty Lupita has a job right now.  

Date.

Explore.

If you find some bad boys that 'move your floor' and you just can't say NO... remember....

MAKING OUT LIKE TEENAGERS IS MORE FUN THAN ANYTHING!

So what?  You made out like a teenager.....  

No shame to contend with and they can't rightfully FORCE you into marriage bc they CLAIM they were deflowered, lol.... which they'll do unashamedly.  

I'm so sorry and rambling but.... believe me.... you are gonna get every drop of your esteem back from going back to dance class, thowing your head back with laughter and having the time of your life with all the good dancers in that class.

Including dance boy.  

He's just waiting for you to come clawing to him, subserviant and bewildered.....

Ummmm..... just say.... no thanks with your thoughts, words and actions, my dear.

He'll be so dizzy with surprise.... I only hope he doesn't bowl you over with more charm and get you romantically involved just to punish you, for not crumpling, the way he intended.

Be strong.

Be confident.

There's a reason all those men want in pretty Lupita's pants, lol.  

You're a tender tasty morsel and they want to eat you!

Including that bad bad dance boy; )

On second thought.... just leave him be and have outrageous fun with other men in the class.... in front of him.  

Smile and laugh and DANCE!  

You have every right to enjoy and sample and taste this life, Lupita.

You just don't know how to do it without being swept up by damaged people......


yet; )

[lighter]

Ummmm.... LUPITA! 

He's accusing you of DOING exactly WHAT HE'S DOING!

He's charming you and distracting you and

C O N F U S I N G YOU!

Stop being confused!

He's not a nice man.

Don't think it's YOU>

It's HIM!

He's a bad bad boy and that's why you like him, lol. 

::SHAKING LUPITA BY THE SHOULDERS::

Snap out of it!

He W A N T S you!

He's trying to make you fee G U I L T Y.

Blech and I wouldn't give him the time of day, what an a hole please please please don't do anything more than smile and dance with him, if that, and let's sample some other flavors now, eh?

Why did he fool around with me if he thought it was a bad idea. he accused me of flirting with him. I promise, he started it. I was in class and I was his partner at that particular moment and he said he could not see what the teacher was showing because that girly body of mine was distracting him. I was not flirting. I did not have enough confidence to flirt. I could not. That was three months ago. Yesterday he told me that I did not dance at his level. I know I dance better than him. I have never told him. I ust told him that I need more firm leadership during dancing and he said I was wrong and got very mad. I just said that I neede a cue more obvious so i could understand the turns he wanted to lead. He told me that it was my fault, my arm is too flufy. I still dont understand what happened last night. He practically told me he did not want to have sex with me. He wanted it before and I was not ready. Once I am ready, he does not want it anymore. He wanted me to feel rejected.

[Lupita]

We have fun together, but he always does someting that puts me down. But he was being so sweet. He was so sweet last time we were together. I brought his dog, we walked his dog together, we did meaningful things, we sat and had coffee, we did nice things other than dancing, we listened to music. Now I know that he is capable of hurting. He has problems against women. He does. I knew it. But I feel attracted to people who mistreat me. Probably because of the abuse I suffer as a child. I feel so aukward. So awful. I feel sick. Upset. I wish I could feel furious or mad. Instead I feel sad. I don't even want to go to the gym. Not for the rejection, but because I still fall in the same hole. I am mad at my self. So much meditating, and reading, and posting, for nothing. Still same sh*t, just a different date.

[lighter]

Ummm... what's ritidectomy?

Not that I don't think you should have anything your heart desires but.....

Listen....

Great idea, whatever it is.

This is LUPITA time.

You've sacraficed your life and now it's time for you.

Whatever it is..... I'll ask my buddy, who's a plastic surgeon..... what you should consider about that whatever it is you want and you do your research... it'll be fine.

But..... you aren't walking into the same traps.... you're just walking with the wolves who extend  their hands and say "COME WALK WITH ME"

There are other men, my dear.

And you're gonna eat food with them.... then dance!

[lighter]

NO NO NO LUPITA!

Not the same shit!

New shit.

L E A R N I N G Shit, lol.

You're about to learn some really great lessons and....

let's go over the basics, eh?

LESSONS ARE PAINFUL.

Sorry, but there it is.

Second..... stop looking at is as poor pitiful Lupita, can't do better, always falling into holes.....

Blech.

Start thinking of it as AN ADVENTURE!

You're going to start approaching things differently.

While you were going to med school and raising your son....

I was learning these lessons.

You don't need a therapist.....


 bc I've already been there, done that.

I was engaged to a wonderful man, who died of cancer.

The lessons I learned, but couldn't enforce well enough.... got me into a wonderful relationship of my dreams. 

Listen.... when I first met him I didn't even notice him.

When he wanted to go out with me..... instead of asking he followed me around the party like a puppy, asking to hold my beer when I said I had to go to the potty (just to get away from him) and there he was, still standing there, holding my beer when I came back 15 minutes later.

Did I appreciate that in him? 

Nope.

Did I understand WHY I wasn't attracted to him as I held court in the kitchen, sitting on the counter entertaining the bad boys?

Nope. 

That song..... ::snapping fingers:: what was it..... it was the perfect theme song for us.

He was strong and brave and fearless and hung in there... not all men would.

He won me over and I did grow to appreciate his softness... kindness.... intellect..... humor.....

NON PREDATORY attraction to me.

So so so different Lupita.

You haven't even had a date with a nice man yet... please please please don't get frustrated yet, lol!

hee.... it won't be so bad and now you know what to expect and how it will go. 

You can skip a lot of the silliness I went through and just begin exploring and I want you to embrace a sense of wonder and adventure, not be depressed and defeated.

You will see.

Happy Laughing Lupita will have the world gazing longingly at her and drawing close.

Upset unhappy fearful Lupita will have the wolves circling. 

Have courage my dear lady.... and make sure you borrow enough money to buy 3 new GREAT WOW WOW dresses; )

We have fun together, but he always does someting that puts me down. But he was being so sweet. He was so sweet last time we were together. I brought his dog, we walked his dog together, we did meaningful things, we sat and had coffee, we did nice things other than dancing, we listened to music. Now I know that he is capable of hurting. He has problems against women. He does. I knew it. But I feel attracted to people who mistreat me. Probably because of the abuse I suffer as a child. I feel so aukward. So awful. I feel sick. Upset. I wish I could feel furious or mad. Instead I feel sad. I don't even want to go to the gym. Not for the rejection, but because I still fall in the same hole. I am mad at my self. So much meditating, and reading, and posting, for nothing. Still same sh*t, just a different date.

[lighter]

Ah ha.. the song was that one that went...

You won me over er in spite of me....

OMG... I was such a brat, lol.

You also mentioned that you were confused as to why dance boy wanted sex then said he didn't....

that's because he over valued you and got you feeling good about being treated well....

the he de valued you and crushed you so you'd fall in line and do as he instructs, when he instructs.

Do you see it?

He's training you already.

Can you imagine what your life with him would turn into if you got more involved with him?

He'd be jerking you around with sex, like chic, bc he knows you desire him and you're a decent kind person who doesn't see what he's doing.

He'd get away with it and blech ppptttt.... gack.

He's manipulating and gaslighting..... he's offering the carrot then giving you the stick bc you're a wonder and a light and he wants to posess it.

Not honor it and enjoy it.

He'd snuff your light out, pronto, if you fell for him hard.

Just laugh at...errrr... I mean with him in dance class and dance with him. 

Don't give him another date, I don't trust him not to pout and pity party himself into your heart.

What a pathetic little prick..... you have so much better in store for you

[Lupita]

Lighter, believe it or not, you just read my mind. I was thinking exactly the same thing.

that's because he over valued you and got you feeling good about being treated well....

the he de valued you and crushed you so you'd fall in line and do as he instructs, when he instructs.

Do you see it?

He's training you already.

Can you imagine what your life with him would turn into if you got more involved with him?

[lighter]

Duoh!

As for his putting you down....

this is such a familiar tactic.

If he can make you feel inadequate, crush your self esteem, feel he's better and you're inferior.....

he'll do it.

Not sure that I care about explaining it.....

Ahhhh... no.

What I want you to get out of this is....


and this is BIG>

Trust....


your


insticts.


You know you're a better dance....

bc you ARE a better dancer.

He's telling you something opposite and you're confused?

Hell f'n NO you aren not confused you're trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense and that's what he wants you to do.

It's improbable that an attractive intelligent man would behave in such a ridiculous life wasting way...

but there it is.

You don't need to figure that one out.

JUST TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS, LUPITA!

BIG LESSON.

You have great instincts but you have to learn to trust them.

Pretend until you do.

Honor them even if you doubt them.  

What happens if you accept that you're a better dancer and he's LYING to you just to stomp your esteem into the dirt and make you his weak naughty sex monkey chewy toy?

How do you feel about that?

I'll tell you how it makes me feel.....

grrrrrr.