I am really feeling a bit confused since this thread had diverted from Iphi's original topic, how she feels about her N relationships destroying her sense of self. This is a board for support and advice, not a free for all. If people have issues with one another, kindly take them into PM's or emails where they belong. I have started reading a number of interesting threads, only to notice they have been hijacked. I would like to return this thread to its original purpose. The advice Iphi asked for to begin with.
The thing that bothers me is the parts of my own life as an adult that are not working. That's the larger context. It's the anxiety, the lack of confidence, this consistent belief that I will be rejected if I try things, that I can't do what I want to do because it will fail. This fear of going for it. But on the other side - a big desire to go for it. I live with a lot of internal tension that way.
Like I have said elsewhere, if it wasn't for the current life issues - that have also been with me for over a decade - then I would probably let sleeping dogs lie. The frustration drives me to it. It was when I quit smoking that I started to ask what the smoking was about - self calming, numbing out distressful emotions and anxiety, having a visible flaw to divert attackers from other more hurtfully personal flaws. I realized the smoking covered my anxieties - and that I would have to address the anxieties directly. The smoking would no longer be an excuse not to socialize or pursue goals. I had to get to the fear.
And that is what led me to NPD and this board and discovering my PTSD this topic about the roots of my PTSD. So it's okay. It's good. I think understanding will really help me make progress on recognizing the introject, the negative scripts, and when I am doing depressive thinking. I'm really not at all who I thought I was and that is a good thing.
CH, when I quit I was soooo happy to be getting the cold shoulder from my dad and knowing for the first time in my life that I was overjoyed to ignore him right back (instead of anxiously trying to make 'amends' for my 'crimes'). Personally I would not endanger my quit by opening any upsetting envelopes! I only spoke to him twice the first year I quit. I would have been happy to go on that way but eventually I felt it necessary to tell him I was pregnant.
tayana - I have read some of your topics in the past when I was not yet posting on the board and I have to tell you - you are so brave and you have had a lot to overcome in your mother - wow she is such a negative force. I am so happy for you and your son that you broke out of her gravitational pull and are in your own place, despite all her fearmongering and manipulation and scheming stuff. Thank you for sharing your hard won wisdom here - your posts are awesome! Your resolve inspires me!
Take care everybody.
Iphi, I'm going to respond directly to you, and I will attempt to not offend or step on anyone's toes. I'm going to offer some more advice from my recent class and also what worked for me. Thank you for your kind words. I am much happier now, and I am managing to not feel disappointment when my mom reaches out and tries to act like a "normal" parent then doesn't follow through. She expects me to come to her, and I don't really want to.
Here are some things that I found very beneficial for me:
I gave myself permission to do things I enjoyed. Whether that was checking out a book I'd wanted to read from the library, spending an afternoon doing nothing, taking a nap, etc. I gave myself permission, because I had to learn that I had to value myself first before I could worry about other people. I find that I spend much less time watching TV and other tasks like that because I have so many things I want to do. I even enjoy doing laundry and that sort of thing because my mother dictated how my clothes should be folded, hung, washed, dried, etc. I do it my way. This was something the instructor in my class mentioned yesterday, taking out thirty minutes a day for a "date" with yourself. You don't have to spend money, just little things. Read a book, try out a new hairstyle, etc. You have to spend time with yourself because you matter. I write a lot, and that my "me" time. I'd like my "me" time better if my son would go to bed and stay there, but that's okay.
I set goals. You mentioned that there were things in your adult life that weren't working. So here's advice from my class. Decide what you really want. Sit down and make a list of things you'd like to do/try/want. Whether that's changing jobs, working on a promotion, etc. You have to decide what you want before you set goals to get there. Once you've figured out what you want, set goals for yourself. Set both long-term and short term goals with start and stop dates. There are even little computer programs that you can use to make visuals for this. Microsoft Project is one, but I'm sure there are some open source programs that do the same thing. To use my own experience:
I wanted to get out of my parents house. That was my long term goal, but my finances were so messed up that I spent three years trying to accomplish this. I took it one step at a time. I chose on debt, and paid it off. Then I tackled another. I kept the long term goal in mind, but I took little steps. When the time came that my debts were paid, then I started looking for new housing, doing my research about the area, about the schools, etc. I decided that I was moving before school started up again. I ended up getting out much sooner than planned. I made certain that I had everything under control, thought of, etc so there could be no opposition. I did have help with this. My T worked with me on setting goals and dealing with my feelings, because things got really nasty for a few weeks.
I don't know if you work with a therapist or counselor or not, but I don't think I would be where I am now without the help I received from my T. You might look into it, or you could look for a support group for adult children of abuse, or something similar. There is actually a group for adult children of narcissists in my area, but I haven't attended. Something like this could help you work through the PTSD. I didn't realize I had PTSD symptoms until I read the book "Did you have Controlling Parents?" And I had almost every symptom listed. It was a very scary moment, realizing how much damage my nmom and enabling father had done to me.
You said you have lack of confidence, fear of rejection, and anxiety. I can relate. I am terrified of walking into a room full of strangers, but I start a dialogue with myself. "It will be fine. Walk in there take the good things away and if something good happens, it happens." I do that a lot. I'm afraid of socializing, afraid of meeting people, and I ended up rehearsing potential dialogues a lot. It's very, very scary for me. Like yesterday, I could barely eat my breakfast because I was afraid someone would think I was eating like a pig, but I made myself do it, and after a little while the anxiety went away. As much as I wanted to though, I couldn't go up to the speaker afterwards and tell him what a wonderful seminar it was. Maybe that will get better with time too.
I hope this helps.
