Some thoughts about moderating the board

[Gaining Strength]

Thank you Dr. Grossman.  I find your five points to be succinct and clear.  I certainly concede that there are problems that arise in the current format but I complete accept the points that you make.  

I have searched the internet and not found another forum that comes close to providing the type of community and comfort that I find here. It's not that I have only experienced support and encouragement - far from it and I have witnessed others experience significantly painful experiences here and I am deeply sorry for that.  It is not OK.  But I find that your five points provide a clear and rational explanation about why this forum will remain moderatorless.  Perhaps most remarkable point you  make is "But already, one third of my professional life is devoted to managing it…"

My heavens!! What an extraordinary devotion.  All I can say is that I  am personally, profoundly thankful that you find value in this extraordinary offering.  I am also thankful that this place (warts and all) has been such a significant gift to me and I have great sorrow that for some (including my dear friend Authentic) the pain has been too great.

Sincerely - Gaining Strength

[changing]

Dr. Grossman-

Gaining Strength has reminded me of an unfortunate lack of expression of appreciation on my part.Your generosity and compassion have been a great mitzvah to us here. I have escaped a terrible situation with your help through this board, and I am forever grateful.

I wish you and your loved ones a meaningful Yom Kippur.

Changing

[Certain Hope]

I love those big words you use, Changing..."behest"  how kewl

I want to again state that I did not invite board members to interract with both people from my past who came here...only with the first one.  "Mary" was always a very fair person in my life as much as she knew how to be.  I expected that of her even as she came to this board which I invited her to.  She was angry and expressed her anger at me as was her right and her voice.  THe next person to come along however, handled things in typical fashion.  I don't recall really saying whether or not any of you should correspond to her on here.  I do know that I prayed/wished her and her family well and assured her that I was ending all contact, since I now heard her boundaries of N/C loud and clear at last.

Do i like it? no.  My heart is always to rejoin with people, to reexperience a similar situation and to have it be successful the next time around, thus healing the original wound of the past.  If the other party chooses not to do so, I have learned that to not honor their decision, is folly.

~reallyME

Dear Laura,

I want to apologize to you directly, because I didn't understand any of this when it first happened. I thought that Dove was Kay, so I never even read her posts (for that very reason), but then I thought she'd decided to come clean and post as Jodi and you must be welcoming her appearance here on the board, since her thread got moved over here for comment... etc, etc...
and I was definitely all mixed up about the whole thing.
I'm sorry. I should have just asked you directly. Got tangled up in my own past voicelessness and determined not to avoid another difficult situation.
Please forgive my emotional-stupidity.
I'm so glad for you that you've decided to release these people to their own boundaries and lives.. and also very glad you're back.

I also wish that other members would mind their own business and not pre-judge me or my motives for what I post, because that is nothing but controlling and codependent behavior, imo. If you don't like me, fine, but you should also at least acknowledge that you don't know my heart or mind simply because you've disliked something I've said here. I just think that if each of us simply spoke for ourselves instead of buttin into other peoples' business and defending causes which are not our own, there'd be alot less confusion.

Love to you, Laura,
Carolyn

[Dr. Richard Grossman]

Hi everyone,

Thanks for all of your comments.  I very much appreciated them and took them to heart.  I’d like to respond to the specific questions.  (If I missed any please let me know).

Poppyseed:
"I was wondering if I could ask you a question.  What is your take on the PM that Gratitude28 received recently?  I am a little unearthed by it.  It crosses the line for me.  I am wondering what you feel about it or what action you feel a person should take when this happens."

It crossed the line for me, too.  Gratitude’s response to make it public, and/or tell me was just right.

Mud:

"How about you and a tip jar?"

I very much appreciate the thought.  My wife says the same thing.  But, I’m not quite there yet.  Perhaps sometime in the future as the board continues to grow… (If anyone is feeling particularly guilty, if they want to purchase something on Amazon.com, they can enter Amazon by clicking on one of the books on the Reading List board, and then going to Amazon's home page, rather than going directly to Amazon.com.  I’ll receive a small percentage of the purchase price of anything (not just books) they order.

Teartracks:

"Would love to hear your speech."

Thanks.  For those of you who don’t know, a dear friend of mine, Rabbi Pollock, asks me to speak (briefly) at services every year at holiday time.  This year’s theme is:  “What dare we hope?”  I’ll post my talk (a little Yom Kippur whimsy) as a separate topic on the board.

Best,

Richard

[Certain Hope]

Hi, Dr. G,

I would like you to know that a new member apparently joined this group with the name "ABC" and sent me an unwelcome pm.

I know who it was, quoting Scripture and berating me,  but just thought you should be aware.

"ABC" has already cancelled that account, but may well do the same thing again.

I'll save this and any future pm's I get, in the event it becomes necessary to take further action, just wanted to make it perfectly clear and public that I do not want any more anonymous pm's and will report any further such contacts.

Thanks.

Sincerely,
Carolyn

[Dr. Richard Grossman]

Hi, Certain Hope--

Thanks for telling me.  Harassment is not permitted on the board.  Let me know if it happens again, and you would like me to do something about it.

Best,

Richard

[JanetLG]

Dr Grossman,

Would it be possible, when people sign up to this forum, to set out a bit of information about what people should do if someone gets harassed, because even if it's discussed on this thread, this is going to slip down after a few days, and any decision you make will need to be easily found later by newbies.

I know there is a page about how to use the different sections of the site - could information about abusive posts and PMs be put there, perhaps? Or a 'permanent post', like the one at the top of the forum at the moment?

Janet

[Certain Hope]

Hi, Certain Hope--

Thanks for telling me.  Harassment is not permitted on the board.  Let me know if it happens again, and you would like me to do something about it.

Best,

Richard

Thanks, Richard.  I will let you know if the nonsense continuse, definitely.

I thought that asking for help might do me in... and it nearly did.
But it also got me in to see the M.D. for blood pressure meds... so there you are, Dr. G... you've saved my life in more ways than one.
Thanks again for being here.

Sincerely,
Carolyn

[Certain Hope]

((((((((((((Besee))))))))))))))  exactly... and when you try to bow out of the I-IT duo, somebody comes along and paints little red horns on your head and stuffs a pitchfork into your hand. There is no graceful exit... only bitter accusations and hatred... because the only way to satisfy the "I" is to become the "It", which means a return to codependency... and that is not an option.

Love,
Carolyn

I think part of what is going on is "board splitting" similar to "staff splitting" that happens in mental health centers and hospitals where the clients have backgrounds of being abused.  It's not just that board members are having their own FOO stuff triggered, they are taking on the projective identification and acting out the intrapsychic wounds of other board members.  The defense mechanisim of splitting people into all good or all bad is put of the group, of some taking the role of good and others the bad. Depending on who you are, you play the role of bad for some, and good for others. 

besee

Dear Changing and Carolyn,

I looked back at my post after reading your comments and apologize for ascribing motives to other board members.  I don't know what is in your or anyone else's heart or mind.  When I did an advance search for the words "conflict resolution" and looked at old threads of past conflicts, it did look like to me that the issues were the same, but the names had changed.  But a lot has been deleted and even if it looks like patterns, I don't know the individual person's motives - current realistic valid in the here and now irritation, getting hooked into someone else's stuff, FOO or something else.

I hate it when people ascribe motives to me - I feel treated like an "it"  not Buber's I-Thou, but I-It

love, besee

[tempesta]

Thank you so much for this Board Dr. Grossman.  I am not able to post as much as I would like because of the hours I work.  Sometimes I just sit here and read the posts.  It makes me feel like I am not so alone.  I wish I had the time to respond to more people here.  Some of the posts break my heart.

This board has helped me more then you know.  We are lucky to have you, and the site, ty again so very much! 

[Certain Hope]

Dr Grossman,

Another pm today. New member:  321BC.  Same deal, Scripture quote in subject line.

I have not read it and won't be reading any more of these from unknown users.

The people who have harassed me on this board are blocked, so I guess they have resorted to this fly-by-night technique, but
I will not be opening their pm's.

Thanks for your help.

Sincerely,
Carolyn

[321BC]

Isaiah 5:21
« Sent to: Richard Grossman, Certain Hope on: Today at 11:12:02 AM »
   

" I could go copy all the posts and paste them over here, but that wouldn't make a bit of difference if you're not willing to read what's actually there instead of some invisible signals in your head (Nice?). It seems that your mind is already decided and I believe that you are wrong, but that's your business. (Nice?)
My business is my boundary, which I will once again clarify now, for the final time
Carolyn"  Why is it harassment to tell you the truth -- you do not have a monopoly on it.  Who will now rise up and defend your bad behavior?
You talk down to people, Carolyn. You don't like to be treated badly, do you?  Will God have to show you the truth -- are you a true believer?
Isaiah 5:20
Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness, who put bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter.

Isaiah 5:21
Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes and clever in their own sight.

P.S. To save you the trouble of reporting to Dr. Grossman I have cc'd him myself.  This board is open to opinions.  I am not maligning you on the board - as you do others.  I have sent you a personal message.  I have nothing but the fondest wishes for you - no malice in my heart, as I said but I must protect myself against you for when you are asked about your behavior you choose to be ruthless.  Why should everyone continue to suffer when perhaps you might see reason?

[Dr. Richard Grossman]

Hi everyone,

The above post is an example of harassment, which is not permitted on the board.  I am leaving it, for the time being, to serve as an example.  I have also PM'd this member, and will temporarily ban this member from posting.   If the member continues to register, post/PM, delete his/her account, and then reregister as someone else, further steps will be taken.  I consider this a serious breach of board security, and will do everything I can to keep the board safe.

Best,

Richard

[Certain Hope]

Is it okay to hug a therapist long distance?

((((((((Dr.G)))))))))) thank you. So many times not reaching for help, not saying that it hurts... thank you for validating this try.

It's fine with me that the pm content stays... I've still not read it. It was just as you said - the breach of security - the deceptive tactics -
that is what I found so destructive and hurtful. First time in all my life I've felt safe for a bit and just can't take any more of that being shattered. I am tired of feeling like a wimp for not being strong enough to just take this stuff and ignore it. You are the best bp medicine in town... and this is a very good, healthful cry I'm having. Bless you, Richard.

Sincerely,
Carolyn

(((((((Bean)))))))) bless you, too.. much love

[reallyME]

I think it's important that wnen someone doesn't see eye to eye with you, to just leave them to their peace.  I couldn't change people in my life nor get them to see things as I do.  I feel that when Jodi posted, she even honored my right to see things from my own viewpoint, and I thank her for that and see the same for her.

It's ok to agree to disagree, not lash out and try to make the other person suffer.  Bless your enemies and pray for those who mistreat you because of Jesus, but also because of anything in my view.  If you are unjustly accused, realize that God sees and knows the hearts and the outcomes before we do, and let the other person have the freedom to self-discover the things that need to change in them.

just some thoughts
~Laura