Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Fell into a trap from the WORD TWISTER

(1/3) > >>

CC:
Boy, did I fall in the the N trap tonite.   My husband and I were having an argument, about something irrelavent but emotionally charged on both sides. My mother happened to call in the middle of it.  My H answered the phone, and she said, I was calling to tell CC that O.C. is on tonite, do you watch that?  He said no, she said well can I speak to CC? he said "she's not here, she's out shopping" (because we were in the middle of this argument and he knows that's not a good time for me to talk to my mom).  So she said "well, I'll talk to her later" and he said "okay" and they hung up simultaneously.  Mind you, I could hear the whole thing because my mom's voice is so loud.

WELL didn't I get a phone call two hours later with this message on my cell phone:  "I don't think I'll call the house ever again.  Your H was very rude to me on the phone" and proceeded to repeat this version of the same conversation:

Mom - "Hello [husband's name], Its B.  I'm calling to let CC know about O.C. being on, do you watch that?"

H - "No way, I don't watch that stuff" - (in a disgusted tone)

Mom - oh, well is CC there?

H - "No, she's out shopping" (& Hung up on her )

NOW, granted, my husband's telephone etiquette was a little lacking on this particular day, due to the nature of what was going on when the phone rang.   But do you see the word twister at work?  

So at this point I was furious, because I have listened to this message and I know differently.  So I , against my better judgement, called quickly back to defend my poor husband, and to fight yet another personal attack by the queen that I really have a lousy husband.

I begin to tell her that I happen to know my husband was not outright rude, that I was sitting right there, and yes, stupid me, told her we were in the middle of an argument but that I heard the whole conversation and had told him to tell her or anyone else that called that I wasn't home.  Boy did I play into that, now she has even more ammunition against him because we were fighting (she has speculated many times that she thinks he is aggressive and has even asked me if he was violent!!!).

Didn't she begin to get sarcastic - because now she knows I caught her in an exaggeration for her own manipulation.  Her defenses rose, and she became childish - screaming, OH, I FORGOT, YOUR HUSBAND IS PERFECT, HE WAS VERY POLITE, AND SAID HELLO MRS. SO AND SO HOW ARE YOU TODAY, ETC. ETC. and on and on. she hung up on me.  Then I called her back, now in a rage.  I told her that she expected too much from him, under the circumstances that were going on when she called.  She proceeded to argue with me about how he should have said this, that, and the other thing. "He needs to learn phone etiquette" AND she used the line, and I QUOTE :  I AM THE MOTHER.   As if THE MOTHER is a godlike thing, the queen.

I basically ended the conversation with, the bottom line is mother, that you cannot accept people for who they are.  You would handle it one way, I would handle it one way, and H handles it his way.  He was not rude, he just wasn't particularly chatty.  (And it makes her crazy that he doesn't kiss her ** when she calls like everyone else does).  She said "let's not fight" and said she had to go and hung up.

The irony is that he likes her more than I do.  He always has a kind word about her when I am angry about her manipulations.  "She's old and lonely" he says.  "Let her be, its all she has and it makes her happy".  He finds her entertaining.  I wish I could see the humor.  I know she will go on this week thinking what an **hole my hubby is and how I am blinded by foolish love.  

I fell into it alright.  I got overly defensive, she pushed my buttons.  This man is the only person who loves me unconditionally (the argument my H and I were having when she called is ironic proof, but I won't go into it now), and I can't seem to hold back from defending him mercilessly when she attacks.  She may have even been right, maybe he should have faked a little more politeness and at least said, "thanks B, it's nice to hear from you.  I'll let her know you called".  (But now am I just second guessing myself because of her??? typical N victim???)

I really wanted to take the advice I learned yesterday from this forum - ignore ignore ignore.  I just couldn't let it go.  I feel crazy right now.  Am I right?  Is she right? Does it matter? Should I have my husband call and apologize?  he would, if I asked him to.  That's how polite he can be.  Oh, what a tangled web.  I'm sooooo tired.

mary:
I like the line ignore, ignore, ignore.  Ignore her and drive her crazy.  Has fighting ever really done any good with an N?  It is just attention and any attention...good or bad is N Supply.  

Take a deep breath and think how you have this wonderful man that loves you as you are...unconditionally!

rosencrantz:
CC - I can't believe you got yourself hooked up in this.  C'mon CC, this is YOU talking!!! (I feel like I'm trying to yank you up out of a great big HOLE.)

YOU DON'T HAVE TO CONVINCE HER OF ANYTHING!

You don't have to convince her that your husband is a good guy, that she is illogical, that she is wrong, that you are right.  You  KNOW all this.

You are FIGHTING her.  You said you needed to think about why you are fighting...

(I'm still fighting for my right to BREATHE!)

You were already raring for a fight because you hadn't recovered from the last one.  Enter a fight with your mother and you KNOW you'll lose.  Maybe there was some truth in the things she was saying (there's always SOME truth otherwise there'd be no buttons!!) but she gives it a twist because she thinks the world is out to persecute her.

Are you still in 'should' mode?  She shouldn't think this way, she shouldn't do this to me...

Well, she does and she always will.  Every time you speak to her, that's just what she'll do.

I was reading books about bullying just before I finally alighted on NPD.  How to handle a bully - cos that's how I experience my mother.  The light dawned after nearly 50 years - like a light bulb being turned on above my head.  They are bullies.

With the added N twist that they drive you insane and take the light out of your eyes.

When you're in the middle of a conversation and you're too far down the line to simply ignore them, just say YES!  It won't hurt as much as you think!!!!

Yes mother, he was a bit abrupt - sorry about that.  (Mollified mother)

If we want to have contact with them and survive, we have to put own ego on one side; and not do anything to put the flame under theirs.

An Nmother is always upset when her needs are not met instantly.  They panic.  And then fuel is created to add to the fire...

"She's not here, shopping is more important than you are" (Strike one!); "I was here but my argument was more important than you are" (Strike two!); and we lied to you (Strike three :twisted:  Boooooom!)

If you get involved in apologies, then you're adding fuel to the fire so I wouldn't bother.

Onwards and upwards, CC.

You know, there's something of the masochist in the child of an N.  We know we can get battered by an N - so why do we offer ourselves up for the sacrifice??  (Because that's the way love is expressed between us and love/punishment are all mixed up together)

And...oh, deeear.  I've just received another note from my mother and fifty of my buttons are jangling away already.  Gotta go!!
R

CC:
dear fellow survivors,

thanks for your responses, and especially to Rosencrantz for her "snap out of it" slap in the face wake up call.  I needed that.  I was definitely having a weak moment.  Rob, I know what you mean, but I think catching them in the lie is only temporarily satisfying, because like you even said, then they just fabricate another exaggeration to cover up the first, and you are getting caught up in the cat and mouse game.  We just end up hurt again in the end, and exhausted.

I think the way to have gone was with R's suggestion, "your right mom, he was a little abrupt.. and diffused the situation."  Hindsight always 20/20.  Anyway, sure enough, my H is calling her today to smooth things over, whether its right or wrong.  In a way, I am glad, because it leaves me out of it, and it becomes about him and her, which is what it should have been in the first place.

CC:
I really have to laugh, because here is the follow up on the situation from yesterday's argument.

My H called my mom during his lunch break, and apologized for being "abrupt" on the phone yesterday, saying words to the affect that he didn't realize he came across that way and would never intentionally offend her.

So Nmother called me a few minutes later, saying "Your H called me and see, I TOLD you he was rude, he agreed with me - YOU, CC,  have a tendency to EXAGGERATE things".  HA HA HA!  How about that for projection?  Luckily, I was in a better frame of mind, and simply said, "okay mom, I'm glad you worked it out.  I would appreciate it if you wouldn't put me in the middle next time, if you have a problem with my H, speak with him directly about it. " And now I am the wonderful daughter again because my husband provided her with her daily N supply.  She said she loved me before she hung up.  Only because she got what she wanted.  

I asked him about it tonite and he said he never told her he agreed he was rude.    :lol:

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page