N-males vs N-females

[DiveDiveDive]

I've been reading this board for the past couple weeks but I haven't read every past thread.  I apologize if this issue has already been discussed.

My mother is N and my siblings and I are learning just now how it effected us growing up and in our adult lives.  I'm no longer engaging in her moments of crazy-making and what I've learned of her upbringing makes it easier to accept and love her as she is.  Thankfully our father provided the emotional stability we needed to survive and make sense of all of this.  All three of us developed into the co-dependent role as opposed to becoming N ourselves.  

My ex-SO is also the child of an N-mother only his is a textbook case.  He and his brother and sister all developed into Ns of varying degrees.  

I'm seeing a counselor and I've done considerable reading in the past few weeks.  Almost everything I come across seems to indicate that there are more male Ns than female Ns in the general population.  However, it seems we survivors deal with issues of our N mothers moreso than N fathers.  And most spouse/significant other relationships focus on male Ns moreso than female Ns.

How is this possible that the damage seems to be at the hands of N mothers when there are supposed to be more N males than females?  (Of course, this could be completely my interpretation and/or recall of what I've read since I'm dealing with an N mother and male N ex-boyfriend.)

Any thoughts?  

DiveDiveDive

[Anonymous]

Interesting question, DiveDiveDive.

Two possibilities: 1) Mothers tend to do most of the child-raising, and most children have their primary relationship with their mother, so those N mothers who have children will have them in their control for years and have plenty of time to do damage. Plus women are expected by society to be good mothers, so N women may have a need to play the role of good mother even if they're lousy at it -- a situation which would multiply the possibilities for screwing up the kids, because they would be expected to support their mother's image as a wonderful mother when their experience is just the opposite.      

2) I think a lot of men who are Ns tend to get their N supply from their public role -- like running a business or being in some other profession where they can have lots of people sucking up to them. They might not spend much time at home because they don't get the adoration they want from their wives and children -- thus the children suffer from their absence, but not as much from their N characteristics. (And men aren't automatically expected to be good fathers, so N men don't necessarily lose face with their public by being absent.)

Don't know if there's been any research on this, but it makes sense to me.

Guest

[Tokyojim]

From the DSM-IV:
Of those diagnosed with NPD, 50% to 75% are males.

[Singer]

Mothers tend to do most of the child-raising, and most children have their primary relationship with their mother, so those N mothers who have children will have them in their control for years and have plenty of time to do damage. Plus women are expected by society to be good mothers, so N women may have a need to play the role of good mother even if they're lousy at it -- a situation which would multiply the possibilities for screwing up the kids, because they would be expected to support their mother's image as a wonderful mother when their experience is just the opposite.  

You've hit it exactly!  It's so helpful that those of you who can put things into words are doing so.

Thank you,

Singer

[bunny]

I'm seeing a counselor and I've done considerable reading in the past few weeks.  Almost everything I come across seems to indicate that there are more male Ns than female Ns in the general population.  However, it seems we survivors deal with issues of our N mothers moreso than N fathers.  And most spouse/significant other relationships focus on male Ns moreso than female Ns.

How is this possible that the damage seems to be at the hands of N mothers when there are supposed to be more N males than females?  (Of course, this could be completely my interpretation and/or recall of what I've read since I'm dealing with an N mother and male N ex-boyfriend.)

I believe there is no shortage of female narcissists. Male narcissism is more accepted and open in society. So N women may be flying under the radar much of the time. The general idea is that women tend to manifest their pathology in a "borderline" way while men tend to manifest their pathology in a "narcissistic" way. It isn't that cut-and-dried, though. Borderline behavior and N behavior often coexist in the same person.

bunny

[DiveDiveDive]

Thank you, Singer and bunny, for your comments.  They were very similar to my perceptions but these days I don't always trust my instincts.  Sometimes I just need assurance that my train of thought is not de-railed!

Take care--

DiveDiveDive

[DiveDiveDive]

Oops . . . I meant to include "Guest" in my previous post.  Thank you, also!

DDD