codependency

[Ami]

I feel such a depression, today . We have gone through a lot on the board.
  I guess that I saw at my party that the "world" will not make me happy like I always believed  that it would. I always thought that relationships ,of some sort ,would make you happy.
  It has not worked up to this point.
 It is a shock to me b/c I really thought that some sort of relationship would make your insides O.K.-- whatever relationship it would be-- mother, father, friend, family, extended family.
  My whole life has been oriented in this way. Now, I see that it is not true. It is freaky b/c it is like I had a "life script" and someone just "changed it"
  The new one is that I ,alone, make myself happy. It is that if I get connected to myself, I will feel whole. It is not looking outside to anyone.
  It feels so sad.
 It is a letting go of "dreams". It is a "scaling down"  of hopes and dreams.
I don't know why it feels so sad like it is a huge letting go.                  Love  Ami.

 

[isittoolate]

Have you ever noticed, Ami, that no matter where you go, there you are........................the same as always whether you go around the corner or go around the world, it is YOU that you take with you: no one else.

So that is why you build your happiness within you first. Now it sounds like a selfish statememnt but in this case you have to put YOU first until you have become mentally healthy. Even sounds N-istic, eh?

Surprise! Surprise! When you are truly happy and mentally healthy, it shines from within you to the outside, all around you. People will sense a change, might not be able to put their finger on it, and you tell or don't what you went through to get there. You are still you, but a happy you and will be having even more fun with your friends and party folks.

You will have found the answer. You love yourself and do not have to rely on others to validate you.
Izzy

[Bella_French]

I'm so sorry to hear that you feel sad today Ami. Big hugs to you!

I am wondering about your question, and whether people can make me happy? I think they do, and are an important part of my happiness. You make me happy, Ami. I love reading your posts and knowing you're here for me, to teach me, and help me feel valuable. I can think of many other examples too: I like sharing my life with my life partner; that makes me very happy. I love to nurture, and people, especially little children, give me an opportunity to experience that. I like to laugh and have deep discussions, and that makes me happy too. I like the `weirdness'  and oddities of people too. I find people entertaining, just being people.....people bring so much happiness in so many ways.

But I guess i don't really depend on anyone to `make' me feel happy; is that kind of what you mean? I always have so much to do, a lot of it is creative work which is very fulfilling, and when I'm not working I soften pend time with animals.  So I have other sources of joy that have nothing to do with other people. Also, i think have a grateful and appreciative attitude to what people give us (instead of critical and negative) really helps too.

Does any of this kind of relate to what you mean? I hope you feel better soon.

X bella

[Ami]

Thanks Izzy and Bella,
  I just needed to hear myself pose the question"out loud". Just needed to hear wise counsel . You are right,Izzy, it "seems" selfish" to love ourselves. It seems N. That is one reason that it is hard to do. there is a big block to the idea of being "selfish". However,if you do not love yourself ,first, you will be trying to "pull" approval from others .
   Bella, the creative part is important. Finding(or re-finding my passions) are important.
  I needed to frame the question. I think that the hardest thing was that the N  mother had  such a 'No-No'" on loving yourself and being 'selfish". It must be like a kid who grew up 'hating" a certain  group of people.
  As an adult, he has to see the reality for himself,not rely on the "comfortable' or familiar prejudice.
                                                            Love  Ami

[Poppy Seed]

Ami,

This has been a difficult lesson for me to learn too.  Your post is timely.  I was feeling similar feelings when I went to bed last night.  It is difficult for me to give myself permission to love and care for myself -- to embrace the power within myself to make my happiness.  I am not sure how it all works yet.  But I am glad that I am finally pointed in the right direction.  With each passing day and experience I am finding more resolve and determination to walk fully into that power, embrace it, and then see what great things come of it.  Sadly, I think I hestitate at the doorway.  Fear I suppose.  Stupid fear.  It gets me every time.!!!  What do I fear so much?  That I will be happier?  Crazy.

Poppy

[Poppy Seed]

Surprise! Surprise! When you are truly happy and mentally healthy, it shines from within you to the outside, all around you. People will sense a change, might not be able to put their finger on it, and you tell or don't what you went through to get there. You are still you, but a happy you and will be having even more fun with your friends and party folks.

You will have found the answer. You love yourself and do not have to rely on others to validate you.
Izzy

I  would give my right arm and all my money to arrive at the place you describe, Izzy!  It will happen!! I wish it for all of us.

[Lupita]

We cannot control what others do. So we cannot depend on others for happiness. We can only control what we do. So, we have to be responsible for our happinss. I am not saying that I do it. I am struggling with the same issue. I get so happy when a student tells me how much they like my class, but there are students who do not like it. Then I get sad. I get so happy when somebody looks at my a*s because I look great, but the one that I liked did not care a bit. So, there I am in a roller coaster because I do not depend on my self to be happy, like Ami.  But, if I can learn, then I will be gone up in the ladder of emotional success.
I started with affirmations from Louis Hay and it works. Now, I do not what else to do. Still, I have improved a lot but still too much down a too litle ups.

[isittoolate]

Dear ((((Lupita))))))

You are on a roller coaster of happy and sad, as it sounds to me from your post.

Remember to be happy inside you because you approve of you.

Both you for instancces of being happy, depended upon someone else, to say or look, to make you happy.

I see you recognize that and that is ½ the battle. Good for you!!

Izzy

[Poppy Seed]

Lupita, 

 I guess those ups and downs are part of this road to recovery, aren't they?  I think it is ok, though, to enjoy it when someone likes your class.  I suppose everyone likes to be noticed or valued that way.  I am sure your class is delightful.  I wonder if the trick is learning not to attach happiness to the uncontrollables in our environment.  Maybe our happiness account could be like a sacred cow that only we touch.

Poppy

Izzy,  How are you doing anyway?  How is the leg?  How is the managing day to day with it? 

[Lupita]

I guess attention, positive attention make me feel important. Feeling important makes me feel happy. Bad that the definition of importance from my subconscious is not approrpiate. It is the importance that other people give me. That should not make me happy. But it is in that article of codependency that was on a thread some months ago, that was very good about children of N parents. Being a co N makes you dependent of other people aproval. I guess, that is the thing, aproval.
Thank you Izzi.

[Lupita]

Yes Pop, we should be able to have a filter that permits something to permeate into our brain and prevent to croos the brain barrier at our will. Like tune out.

[Ami]

At my party, I had a codependents  "dream". I was complimented more than I have ever been at one time ., If woman compliment you, that is a more meaningful compliment b/c a woman will never say another woman looks good UNLESS she really likes that  woman on the "inside"(IME)
  I could see that I have to allow myself to receive  love. I was not allowing love in b/c I didn't feel like I deserved it.
  I had a hole in the bottom of my bucket(self love) so no love from others could STAY in. It could get in,but not stay in.That is why an addiction will work, but not last.
  I am really seeing that I need to love myself. If not,I will be empty to give anything to anyone else.
  I am getting it in my heart ,so i am really happy about it.My healing is thanks to the board   Love   Ami

[Bella_French]

We cannot control what others do. So we cannot depend on others for happiness. We can only control what we do. So, we have to be responsible for our happinss. I am not saying that I do it. I am struggling with the same issue. I get so happy when a student tells me how much they like my class, but there are students who do not like it. Then I get sad. I get so happy when somebody looks at my a*s because I look great, but the one that I liked did not care a bit. So, there I am in a roller coaster because I do not depend on my self to be happy, like Ami.  But, if I can learn, then I will be gone up in the ladder of emotional success.
I started with affirmations from Louis Hay and it works. Now, I do not what else to do. Still, I have improved a lot but still too much down a too litle ups.

Dear Lupita,

I believe that we can depend on people for happiness to a degree, and we do have a measure of control over how people treat us , based on how we behave, our attitude (positive or negative) our choices in who we interact with,  our personality, appearance, level of power, etc.  But we don't have COMPLETE control. Nor should we, really.

I believe the skill to look at developing is not self-sufficency, because the idea that `no-one effects anyone' absolves us our accountability to treat others with care and consideration. Instead, I believe the more useful skill to work on is finding ways to keep our feelings on an even keel in cases when we are alone, or disappointed in people.

X Bella

 

[isittoolate]

Izzy,  How are you doing anyway?  How is the leg?  How is the managing day to day with it? 

hi Poppy

I am doing very well. Thanks for asking. Most of the info and ins and outs are on my 'Assertin mysekf...: thread, cuz I've been having quite a few laughs and all over everything.
Izzy

[tempesta]

Ami, to tell you the truth, I compliment women all the time.  No, I am not gay, lol.  I just believe when someone looks nice or has a glow about them, say it.  When I give a woman a compliment, her whole faces lights up.  

I do feel we have to make ourselves happy, in order to be happy.  I know I have a hard time with this cause I will put everyone before me and then wonder why I am so dang depressed or angry. 

I do think being aware of it, is a good start, and you seem to realize this hun.  Take care.