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Daughter with N-characteristics?

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Karin:
Hi Lynn,
My guess is that your daughter is just as confused as you are right now with the N behaviour of her father, the separation and with all the usual growing up teenage stuff.

Is it fair to say that the N traits that you are seeing in her are reserved for just you and are not expressed outside the home?
My middle daughter told me not that long ago that when she was about 15-16 (10 years ago) she used to blame me entirely for the disharmony in our household. She said she used to think that I was the only one that could do something about it (which was true) and I didn't and she hated me for that.

Different story today of-course, hindsight armed with knowledge of NPD and time makes things a lot clearer. How receptive is she to your explanations (if any) of N behaviour?
My middle daughter is/was very receptive, the older one a little less so, and my son doesn't want to know about the technicalities, he can accept the faults in his father without an explanation. To each his own.

All you can do is keep being the supportive, loving Mum/Mom that you are and don't be afraid to guide her in the right direction if you can see her being influenced by your H. At 16, you can still have a say about any unacceptable behaviour she shows towards you but beware that her interpretation skills may be a little skewed.

Best Wishes,
Karin

Michelle:
Hi Lynn -

I am sorry that I don't have any helpful advice on this subject.  But I just wanted to tell you that we are all rooting for you here.  I know you are going through such a hard time and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.  

Would she consider family therapy?  You and her together?

Blessings,
Michelle

lynn:
Wildflower, Karin, Michelle,

Thanks for the support.  I appreciate your responses so much!  :)

What do you think... is it okay to address the mean behavior?  When I do, the situation tends to spiral in those situations... you know what I mean.

I vacillate between wanting to model for her love and understanding... and ignoring so much of the outburst that I feel doormat-like.

Granted, there's an awful lot happening in our lives right now.  I suppose that given the situation, we manage the best we can.  

In reflecting back on a list posted a while back about what the biggest struggle is.... earlier I said that loneliness was a big one for me.... I'd have to say that now I am struggling with meaning of life.

Thanks for listening/
Your friend,
lynn

seeker:
Hi there Lynn,

Sounds like some pretty good advice above.  Just wanted to throw in a handy Mom-ism that we may have left behind in the preschool cubbies:
that is to calmly say to your daughter "How would YOU feel if your friend thought/said that about you?"... might help for those daily doses of teenitis.  Good luck!  Seeker

Anonymous:

--- Quote from: lynn ---My daughter (16) has many N-characteristics.  On the outside she is friendly and outgoing.  She smiles lots.  Does well in school.  Her teachers like her.  She has friends.  At home, she shows an N-side I've seen before.  Her language.  Her interaction with others.  She states that she cares first and foremost about herself and does not think about others.  If others have a problem, they can fix it.  She claims to have zero emotional reaction to others.  The behavior that results is harsh, cool, abrasive.
--- End quote ---


Teenagers are highly narcissistic. Teenage narcissism isn't necessarily an indication of adult N-hood. She is naturally trying on different characteristics. She probably feels safe enough with you to show you her dark side. I wouldn't take her words at face value. I would take them more as a projection that she feels she is now left to solve her own problems because of the marital breakup, and that her father(?) feels zero emotional reaction to her. I don't know if that's wildly inaccurate but that's what I get from it.



--- Quote from: lynn ---Here's my question.  How best to help my daughter?  I ache for her isolation, for her lack of connection to others.  I hope that I have divorced early enough that I can show her love and a trustworthy relationship.  At the same time, I hear and feel these harsh words and feelings coming from her to me.  She sounds and acts like an N.
--- End quote ---


It's complicated. A teenage girl is often hard on her mother no matter what. I would read about teenagers, about communicating with them, and how to deal with them. It's not going to be easy because she is testing you for boundaries, to see if you'll set limits, or whether you will just fall apart and/or lose your temper. She wants to see whether you're weak or whether you are consistently firm but compassionate.  Teenagers can be really obnoxious, mean, etc. If she's being mean to you, obviously that's intolerable. If she's saying mean things about others, that's another story. She is probably sending you a message about her own feelings.

bunny

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