Pray that house sells

[Overcomer]

This man does not take pressure well AT ALL!  However I told him that I am not the enemy so stop treating me like one!

[lighter]

Easier said than done but.....

if you can learn to let him ride his waves alone....

and try to stay even keeled for your part.....

it would help.

I don't know if it's possible but....

from where I'm sitting, letting him go up and down alone would be better than your being dragged along on Mr. Toad's wild ride: /

I sure hope that house sells and you figure out how to be less affected by his distress.

[Overcomer]

Lighter-I guess that would be called codependent behavior-thanks for making me see that!  When I rushed off yesterday I forgot my phone and he tried to call it several times then this morning he have me coffee in bed.  I think you are right-for me to leave him alone with all his complaining is a good idea but why stay married when I would really be away from him?  Or maybe I just avoid him during this next couple of weeks.  Only problem is he gets me cornered-stands in front of the tv!

[lighter]

Lighter-I guess that would be called codependent behavior-thanks for making me see that!  When I rushed off yesterday I forgot my phone and he tried to call it several times then this morning he have me coffee in bed.  I think you are right-for me to leave him alone with all his complaining is a good idea but why stay married when I would really be away from him?  Or maybe I just avoid him during this next couple of weeks.  Only problem is he gets me cornered-stands in front of the tv!

Oh no!  Corners you and stands in front of the TV?

That's not good if you're not ready to have that conversation or if you're trying not to let him drag you into his realm of upset.

Just bc you're married does not mean you have to be distressed WITH him. 

It doesn't mean you have to let him corner you and talk at you whether you wish to have the conversation or not, either.

If you don't mind sharing..... what does he say when he gets in front of the TV?

Does he require you get upset and start sprining into action...... trying to do things that he says will make him feel better?

I don't understand but I was always warning SO's that I wasn't ready to have a chat.... but they'd push it and it would boil over every time. 

I have to process things for a good long while before I discuss and that's just me. 

I resent being forced into conversations, (read that as being followed into the bathroom while I'm in the tub) and forced to discuss!

It's wrong and I also wish I'd done less getting upset bc my SO was upset and wanted me upset too.  I always felt better when I just went about my business and didn't come unglued too.

Sorry..... but I would like to hear what he's saying when he's front of that tv set, if you don't mind sharing.


SO is signifigant other: )

[Overcomer]

OK, let me try to recreate the dynamic................first of all if you ask him to do ANY work, he start complaining about how my kids don't help out at all.  And then if I ask him to do something specifically (like caulk an oversized window above the front door...............should have been the first thing done and still isn't done.....) When he finally gets around to doing it then I hear him downstairs complaining just loud enough so I can hear him........."there's no frickin' way......."  "Impossible"  "I cannot do this."  Finally in most cases (not this one because I really do not know how........)  I just say something like "fine, then, I will do it......"  So not only am I stuck cleaning the entire house and organizing and packing, etc. but then I am stuck spraying off the deck or sweeping up poop or mowing the lawn.....

Then I say something like, "Jeff?"  And he goes "WHAT!!!!!??????????????!!!!!"  Very defensive.  His voice is ALWAYS on the defensive.  He also does this a lot.  "Jeff?  Whatya doing?"  Then he goes........"SIGH..............................I'M BUSY!!!!  I'M WORKING HERE!!!"  And then I say something like, "Oh, what do you want for dinner?"

Has anyone seen Thelma and Louse with Geena Davis and Susan Sarandon?  Geena Davis' husband is just like mine.  I watched it last night and when I saw the way that a##hole treated Louise it made me so mad - I completely identified with her and was glad she got laid by Brad Pitt (even though he stole their money....)  Thelma says, "Louise, you finally got laid properly!!!"

Other times, in front of the TV.....he will go on and on and on about the group Journey........he loves them and only listens to them over and over and over.  He says they have TALENT!!  If I hear the word TALENT again I will die.  He also goes on and on about his Hawkeyes.................he badgered the Nebraska fan out of me.  I am so sick of him I won't even go and watch a game with him.........he is soooooo boring to me.  Redundant.  So either he is defensive or boring.  He is not a conversationalist.  At all.  The only time I have a good time with him is if we are with another couple and I can talk with the gal.,....

[Ami]

Dear Kelly,
  I am not saying the marriage is good. I am just saying not to make any major decisions while you are moving(IMO). Moving is so,so hard.
 It just shakes you up to the core. If you have any FOO issues,it magnifies the pain of them. It ,simply, makes you become unglued.
  I am sorry you are hurting.
  That don't call marriage an institution for nothing .                                    Love   Ami

[Overcomer]

Hey Ami>:  I seriously am as bad as he is.  LIsten to me whine.  Yes, we are BOTH stressed and are taking it out on each other.  I am much calmer than he is but I just had to run to the bathroom with some terrible stomach cramps.  Don't know if it is from him but it didn't come on until he started his rant.  Every night the same thing....blah blah blah blah blah blah blah..............very intense in his delivery...............it gives me a stomach ache...

So back to the original idea of this post!!  PRAY!!

[Gaining Strength]

I am praying for your house to sell but I am also praying that you and H can find a way to have each other's backs.  There is nothing worse than living with someone who you feel is working against you.  And once you start down that path it is REALLY hard to make a shift because SOMEONE has to give in and go back to caring for the other and giving the other a little grace EVEN when they are still acting like a jerk.  SOMEONE has to dig deep and find caring and love somewhere within or else you will both be at each other's throat for the duration.  Not easy but then ......

I'm praying but I especially pray that you each find peace and the love you once had so you can truly care and support one another rather than tear down and run from each other.  That is not a pleasant way to live.  I want peace and joy for you Overcomer, peace and joy in your new home.  That is my true prayer for you AND your husband.

[teartracks]

Dear OC,

I'm hoping for a perfect match between a family  and your house.  And that on closing everyone has a big smile on their face.   

GS,

The gentle tone of your message to OC is so soothing.  I took comfort from it.

tt

[Overcomer]

Thanks!  I agree.  We are both on edge and I took his abusive tone for quite some time but like I have done with my mom I have started mirroring his behavior.  When he is sober he can take it when he has been drinking he will try to bully me.  We will get through this too.

[Ami]

dear Kelly,
  I remember when we moved to our current house,I was sitting among all the boxes and thought,"I am
going to have a nervous breakdown". I was shocked at HOW stressful everything that has to do with moving is.
  It is like an internal earthquake.. I am sorry for all the stress and pain.
 Moving is a HUGE experience and people underrate the toll that it takes on you      Love   Ami

[Overcomer]

I just came to the realization that our house is up against a whole lot of others.  And ours is a bit "rough."  Meaning we could paint and shine wood and more and more and more......our concern is that we will put so much money into the house and it still will not sell.  WE just reroofed it $6600.....repainted....$1500....new driveway, shed, fence.............so much money has been put in and it still isn't up to par...................so I NEED your prayers!!!  Please!!!

The stress will go when we are moved and this house sells!!  I know there are many here that talk to God every single day and I am asking - begging - that you will send one up for us!!!!!!!

[Ami]

Our other house did not sell until we did cosmetic things like paint brown trim white. and paint the brown kitchen cabinets white.
  Woman (often) can not see beyond the" cosmetics" when they are house hunting. Men seem to be able to,but the woman often won't want a house that is not "fixed up"(IME) Ours did not sell until we did this .(Just a thought, but I am reluctant to add it b/c I don't want to cause you more stress).
 We paid a handyman to   make it look better and it sold shortly after.             Ami

[Certain Hope]

I am praying for your house to sell but I am also praying that you and H can find a way to have each other's backs.  There is nothing worse than living with someone who you feel is working against you.  And once you start down that path it is REALLY hard to make a shift because SOMEONE has to give in and go back to caring for the other and giving the other a little grace EVEN when they are still acting like a jerk.  SOMEONE has to dig deep and find caring and love somewhere within or else you will both be at each other's throat for the duration.  Not easy but then ......

I'm praying but I especially pray that you each find peace and the love you once had so you can truly care and support one another rather than tear down and run from each other.  That is not a pleasant way to live.  I want peace and joy for you Overcomer, peace and joy in your new home.  That is my true prayer for you AND your husband.

This is my prayer, too... because these things are what make a house a home.

Love to you and your family, Kelly

Carolyn

[Overcomer]

Well believe me it will be better when it sells but I still consider him a drunk!  I have been praying that smoking and drinking would make him physically ill!