Dear Ami,
I have been thinking of you a lot recently. Sorry this is a long one but you really sparked the migraine brain:
Can idiot compassion be extrapolated to
children who subvert their own needs to accommodate a parent? I think yes and no. Yes in the sense that I think this meets the definition of idiot compassion. No in the sense that I think children are
forced into this role – it is not a conscious choice for a child, it is what a child needs to do to survive.
I said this in another thread, but I think it only natural that a child put the negatives on themselves rather than realize that their parents are the true monsters in the closet. What adult wants to realize their parent is a monster (look at how much we struggle with this) – a child does not have the wherewithal to deal with this at any level. They need to survive and the only way to do it is to place the blame on themselves rather than where it truly belongs.
Dr. G posted a thread not too long ago about a radio show. (Thank you Dr. G this was pivotal for me.) In the radio show they talked the Harlow experiments. You probably know these very well given your studies.
What really jumped out at me was the part where the cloth mother monkeys were created to forcibly throw the baby monkey away every time the baby monkey touched it. In the interview, they described how the baby monkeys would do everything they could to get the cloth monkey to accept it – and kept going back no matter how many times the mother threw them away.
When I heard this, it dawned on me that perhaps that desire for maternal love, compassion, and nurturing is innate. Maybe we are hardwired to seek acceptance from our parents no matter who they are or how they act – they can forcibly throw us away with words or actions numerous times, and yet we will always go back. It would explain why it is so hard to break away.
I always struggled with the thought that if someone outside of my FOO treated me the way my FOO did, I would have walked away without a backwards glance – why is it so hard when it comes to FOO – it just didn’t make sense.
In so many posts, time and again, I see you criticizing yourself and being so hard on yourself in so many, many ways. IMO, you did not willing throw your core away or sacrifice yourself in the face of your mother’s pathology – you did what was biologically innate in all of us. You offered it to her again, again, and again – only to have it thrown back at you. When you were 14, this was a pivotal time, you were looking for affirmation from your father, and he failed you – it seems to me at this point, when your correct view on reality was refuted, you reverted to innate nature – you sacrificed yourself to get whatever scrap you could from your mother and
from your father the one who you really trusted at that age. Is it wrong or shameful to have done so – absolutely not!
I dunno, a lot of thoughts coming together for me here
(hope you can find something for you here). I think of myself as the baby monkey, desperately twisting myself time and again to get something from that cloth monkey. I have finally woken to the insanity of this – no matter how hard I try, that cloth monkey has nothing to give and will continually throw me away – because that is all it knows.
For me, I have decided (again
) that it is time to take all that energy that I am uselessly throwing at a cloth monkey (including all of the memories that I rehash over and over trying to find the reason in them) and put it someplace where it will be really valued – towards myself and my real family.
Not sure if any of this will resonate with you, but I am very grateful to you for asking the question – you have really helped me to resolve some of these issues in my mind.
Much love to you,
Peace
