Idiot Compassion

[finding peace]

According to Wikpedia, compassion is best described as an understanding of the emotional state of another; not to be confused with empathy. Compassion is often combined with a desire to alleviate or reduce the suffering of another; to show special kindness to those who suffer. Compassion may lead one to feel empathy with another person. Compassion is often characterized through actions, wherein a person acting with compassion will seek to aid those they feel compassionate for.

I have been pondering compassion and its benefits and drawbacks.  At one point, I felt so much compassion for the people who abused me, that I told myself that they were hurt too, that they didn’t know what they were doing, and because of this, it made it ok. 

One day, about a year ago, I felt an internal scream reverberate throughout my being (was shocked at the strength of it) – When is it my turn, when is anyone going to show me some compassion? (Talking about my FOO.)  I have spent my life bending myself into a pretzel to accommodate everyone around me; no one ever showed me an ounce of compassion ever.  When is it my turn, or is my role in life relegated to forever taking care of those around me at my expense? 

I realized at that time that I would never get compassion from my family – the patterns of belief and behavior are set in stone – I cannot change it. 

Following these thoughts, it occurred to me that the only way I was going to get any compassion from my FOO was to give it to myself.  I was shocked by this thought – seemed selfish.  Still does.  I was so thoroughly trained to take care of everyone else and their needs before mine.  Does this sound familiar to anyone?

While I was searching for definitions, I found the phrase idiot compassion at Pema Chodron’s website:

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from:  http://www.shambhala.org/teachers/pema/qa5.php

Pema: Idiot compassion is a great expression, which was actually coined by Trungpa Rinpoche. It refers to something we all do a lot of and call it compassion. In some ways, it's whats called enabling. It's the general tendency to give people what they want because you can't bear to see them suffering. Basically, you're not giving them what they need. You're trying to get away from your feeling of I can't bear to see them suffering. In other words, you're doing it for yourself. You're not really doing it for them.

When you get clear on this kind of thing, setting good boundaries and so forth, you know that if someone is violent, for instance, and is being violent towards you —to use that as the example— it's not the compassionate thing to keep allowing that to happen, allowing someone to keep being able to feed their violence and their aggression. So of course, they're going to freak out and be extremely upset. And it will be quite difficult for you to go through the process of actually leaving the situation. But that's the compassionate thing to do.

It's the compassionate thing to do for yourself, because you're part of that dynamic, and before you always stayed. So now you're going to do something frightening, groundless, and quite different. But it's the compassionate thing to do for yourself, rather than stay in a demeaning, destructive, abusive relationship.

And it's the most compassionate thing you can do for them too. They will certainly not thank you for it, and they will certainly not be glad. They'll go through a lot. But if there's any chance for them to wake up or start to work on their side of the problem, their abusive behavior or whatever it might be, that's the only chance, is for you to actually draw the line and get out of there.

We all know a lot of stories of people who had to hit that kind of bottom, where the people that they loved stopped giving them the wrong kind of compassion and just walked out. Then sometimes that wakes a person up and they start to do what they need to do.

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When I first read this, I thought ewww – idiot compassion (didn’t like the term).  But you know, it is true.  I have done this – not stated the truth as I see it (which ironically may not be the truth at all, just my perception of it) for fear of hurting someone’s feelings – in fact, did this most of my childhood after I learned that no one wanted to hear my truth.

However, by the time I got to the last paragraph, the thought occurred to me that maybe, by going NC, I have shown true compassion – both for myself and for my M.  Instead of living a lie and staying in an abusive relationship with my M - maybe my actions will be the impetuous for her to examine her own part in the pathology, and by doing so grow?  Seems a bit presumptuous of me to assume that she needs to examine anything? 

Shortly thereafter it occurred to me that with true Ns – it doesn’t really matter does it?  No matter what you do or say, be it the truth or idiot compassion - they will always mutate it to suit their agenda.

Just some rambling thoughts from a tired brain.  The thought of going NC troubles me.  I don’t like the thought of the pain I have caused her – and I know I have.  Do I have to forever feed her insatiable appetite and sacrifice myself, or is it fair to say enough, I have been doing this for a lifetime – no more – it is OK to take some time for me?

Not sure where I am going with this, but would like to hear other’s thoughts or insights into compassion, and is it OK to turn the compassion towards yourself, even when it hurts another?

Peace

[cats paw]

Finding Peace,

  This is a great post.  I wrestle with that one when it comes to my family.  I need to think about what might be some concrete personal examples- I think I might have one when I've got a bit more time to write.

cats paw

[jillebean]

Peace! Peace    

I read Pema's thing on Idiot Compassion just a couple of weeks ago.  I really like the concept, but I have a really hard time creating a mental picture for myself of what it might look like/how it manifests itself in my daily interactions.

My thought, as I started picking at a mosquito bite on my arm (anxiety/habitual) was that I perhaps notice when I am showing idiot compassion towards myself?  Then perhaps I can transfer some of that awarenes to others.  I dunno.  

Have you heard Pema's audio-book called "Getting Unstuck"?  She talks some about dysfunctional family relationships.  Also, I recently found a free podcast called Happiness Through Self Awareness and I'm diggin' the content.  It focuses on looking inward and the dude uses authentic examples so it's easier for me to visualize than some of the more science-based content.  The main web site is:  ht
http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com.

Have a beautiful, loving day!  

jill

[Certain Hope]

Dear Peace,

Yes, this is very familar to me. I've looked into these issues from several different perspectives, beginning with the "Too Nice" syndrome, where we might think we're doing such wonderful things for others but actually we're doing them for ourselves...
and most recently from the "self sorrowing" position, which is quite similar to what you've described in wondering - is it okay to have compassion for myself?
And I say, Yes... it is okay...
it is necessary, and it is absolutely a directive - for me - of the Christian life. More and more, I'm seeing the crucial need to value self and be compassionate toward self, before I have anything of genuine and eternal value to offer others.
Without that self-concern, any concern I give to others will be false and shallow... because it's not from the heart, but rather from an attempt to prove myself good and loving.
Without the humility to admit that I do not know what is best for anyone, I can make alot of wrong steps in the direction of "helping" which only wind up destroying the very essence of the truth which God placed in me. I recently felt that in an undeniably expressive manner... and I have seen the light!
The driving force of all compassion must be, imo, a very firm grasp of just how much grace I need, myself... and then I can deal rightly with others without that old burden of shame to twist the picture.

Here's an article I read a couple weeks ago, which helped me to begin to understand the difference between real compassion and it's substitute..  http://www.freshministry.org/articles/difficult.html

It's written from the point of view of a Christian minister and his dealings with difficult people, but then... in our most basic human relationships... aren't we all ministers... helpers?
Through this man's experience, I was able to see that it's healthy and good to be a helper of others... but first we must recognize what truly helps and what doesn't.

Here are the main points...

I have made some promises to myself about how I will deal with antagonists in the future:

I won't be paralyzed by negative feelings. 
 
I will stay in control of my time.

I will like myself regardless of other's opinion of me.

 I will act, not react.

Sounds to me like a good set of healthy boundaries is needed for this process... and that's what it all continues to come back to for me... establishing solid, self--respecting boundaries... because we can't truly respect anyone if we're laying ourselves on the people-pleasing altar time and again.
Hope this helps.

Love,
Carolyn

[hannah38]

Hi Finding Peace,

Yup.

I have spent my life bending myself into a pretzel to accommodate everyone around me; no one ever showed me an ounce of compassion ever.  When is it my turn, or is my role in life relegated to forever taking care of those around me at my expense? 

I realized at that time that I would never get compassion from my family – the patterns of belief and behavior are set in stone – I cannot change it. 

Following these thoughts, it occurred to me that the only way I was going to get any compassion from my FOO was to give it to myself.  I was shocked by this thought – seemed selfish.  Still does.  I was so thoroughly trained to take care of everyone else and their needs before mine.  Does this sound familiar to anyone?

This sounds very familiar. What you say resonates with my experience as well.  I feel like I am stuck in Idiot Compassion; in part, I learned it from my mother and how she coped and in part, I just feel like I don't know how else to be and be loved.  My hubbie will love the article you posted because he's been trying to tell me about Idiot Compassion in a not-so-eloquent way and it just sounded mean.  In reading the article, though, it sounds very centered.  I just don't want to lose my family, I love them so much.
But you know what, we do have to care for ourselves and to value ourselves.

Finding Peace, you deserve peace and compassion. From yourself and from others.

I found Henry Cloud's book on Boundaries very helpful. It is a Christian book. One of the concepts is that we are to love others AS WE LOVE OURSELVES. That was a huge wake-up call for me. I am, as a Christian, actually instructed to care for myself. It made the whole thing seem much less selfish. More acceptable.

So interesting that Idiot Compassion is really for oneself. Not for others. A way of coping.

[isittoolate]

I am interested in this phrase (it's an eye-catcher) and in retrospect, regarding my FOO, I did the compassionate thing by moving so far away.

In earlier years I was always "running from sister to sister' looking for approval, or closeness, or love, and I ended up feeling like a pest.

I just felt not needed and a 2000 mile move has solved the problem. No one has to feel obligated to look after me, visit me, etc. and the reverse is true.

I feel as though I have let us all off the hook.

When Sis, Ruth was here Aug weekend, one of the talks brought up another sister's name. I asked and she said, "I keep my sisters separate". I had previously wondered to her in an email if "words were spread a round and she had then said, "separate sisters"

Now my eldest sister just sent me an email, "sorry about your leg". Well only Ruth could have told her, as only Ruth knew. It's not the topic but this appears to contradict "separate sisters" and opens me up to a hulabaloo email from this other sister.

.......or DOES the topic allow her to change her beliefs?
Love
Izzy

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[hannah38]

My sister moved 3000 miles away. It seems to have solved a lot for her, too.

I'm considering it. She writes on holidays and e mails sometimes. Rarely calls. It is understood (somehow) not to call her. I miss her a lot but its the choice she made for her own survival and life and I understand that.

I guess she's created her own world away from it all. And its afforded her the opportunity to be healthier.

The cost of losing family is high, but sometimes necessary. When I visited her she said, "You're feeling better here because you're away from all that."

 

[isittoolate]

Thanks for that Hannah,

The situations appear similar

I left FOO, plus my daughtr and grandchildren, so am alone, but happier away from the dysfunction.

xx
Izzy

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[lighter]

Ummmmm, if I completely identify with the term 'idiot compassion' and see it modeled too often for comfort.

I couldn't even identify it this time last year, much less put my voice to it.

Being able to comment on it, from my evil little perch, means I'm healing.....

 IMO of course.

Thanks for the thread, Peace... I like broudening my vocabulary.

[Certain Hope]

Being able to comment on it, from my evil little perch, means I'm healing.....

 IMO of course.

Dear Lighter,

What do you mean by your evil little perch? Would you please clarify?

Love,
Carolyn

[lighter]

Heh..... broudening, lol..

Broudening my vocabulary, lol.... very funny typo.




What I mean by,' from my evil perch', Hope...... is being up high enough that I can make comments that I see as true, where I used to not be able to put a voice to them.

I used to be too vulnerable to the reaction I might receive.... 

I used to keep quiet instead of talk about what I was witnessing.

Funny story.....

On one of my first dates with H..... he was unloading a little antique car at a drag race. 

I knew how the trailer should work....

So much weight is transferred to the rear... it tilts down and the offloading process is completed smoothly without much of a bump and a showy vroom vroom completes the process.

Except, with a very large audience in place, he forgot to unhitch the doohicky that allows the trailer to tilt.

I stood there and watched him back his fancy little car off the end of his fancy little trailer.... inch by inch....and didn't say a word as it became terribly obviouse there was no tilting going on.  There was plenty of time to save him   I just stood there and said nothing, hopeful that it would work out OK, lol.

He wanted to know why I didn't say anything....

I didn't quite know why I just stood there, cocking my head painfully to the side, trying to figure out exactly how it would work.... surely.... it would? 

Right?

Even with all evidence pointing to the contrary?

Ummmmmm... nope.

BANG!  Now everyone who wasn't looking.... is looking and there sat H, feeling very very silly in his fancy little car on his fancy little trailer that should have tilted but failed bc I didn't say anything, lol. 

And I would have done him a favor by raising my hand up, and pointing out the obviouse..... right?

So.... I finally come to a place in my life where I can peep up, lol. 

But I find that the majority of folks don't want honesty from me!

They mostly seem to want to be validated, no matter if I agree with them or not.



 They want to be agreed with, even if I do not agree. 

I used to do that, it was easier and I was comfortable doing that.  ::shrug::

I find opposition to the truth..... really tough opposition.... name calling opposition and being labled mean things.... negative intentions designated with authority, lol. 

Really quite something.... and I have only so much energy so.... what to do what to do?

I may not be 100% spot on all the time but.... it would be nice if folks could sit back and consider what I've said.... instead of sit back and figure out what insult to fling my way, in retaliation bc that seems like the obviouse course of action to take when I voice my true feelings.  :nodding::

I know I can be honest with a few people.  One frets a bit but I can speak my truth and we eventually come out somewhere just this side of disagreement, but there's understanding.

 I can speak my truth to some board members here, and really appreciate that more than you can know. 

Having my honesty accepted by some... makes it easier to see how odd some reactions are from those that get ticked off and confrontational.  I might have responded with a traditional head bob/nod/wag thing, that passes for agreement, (bc I can't pony up an actual nod), had I known they were going to feel the way they do about not being agreed with  

Right now I don't just have the board in mind..... as I answer your question..... I have my FOO and friends and H in mind too: /

Good grief.... children's teachers and aqauintances.... church mama friends...

But they aren't always happy to hear the truth, are they?

No.... they aren't.

So... sometimes I find I shorten what I want to say and it goes awry.... or all wrong and the wheels come completely off.

I can laugh about it now but.....  I'm still a bit shy about speaking my mind, and it hurts the delivery at times. 

Hmmmm... I think I'll go back to Sheriff Andy Taylor as my model for communicating awkward things.

Oh dear.....

He was able to laugh at himself and find the humor too.

Damn.... that won't work, lol; )

[Certain Hope]

Hey, I liked that "broudening"... very continental, in a typo-ish sorta way !

And I have had that very experience with non-tilting trailers... but I know part of the reason why I couldn't speak.

As a child, if I dared to speak about what I thought might be a problem, I learned that was not my place.

Both my parents took extreme offense at even the slightest suggestion that something may be wrong.

I didn't recognize that until 40 years later, married to NPD-ex, whose defensiveness to perceived criticism
took the cake :S

The other part of why... well, just as you've said here... I'd cock my head painfully to the side, trying to figure out...
SURELY it would work... ??
Basically, I thought everyone else in the world was smarter, more clever, wiser than I and surely they knew better.
I no longer believe that. Guess you don't either. : )

A healthy person is not so defensive about disagreement.
There's a phase (and hopefully it IS only a phase) where a person recovering from abuse
has N in her eyes... seeing N everywhere, in everyone... I was there. It's a stage which should pass... but sometimes
fear (and pride) can cause it to pass quite slowly... or not at all :S

Name calling and labeling are the weapons of immature people... some bullies, some just ignorant.
 To a point, gentle tolerance is likely the best example... but only to a point, imo.
We can put the best construction on everything... and we can also make a decision to guard our own hearts.
These two can be simultaneous... not waiting to set boundaries only as a last resort.

What to do?
For me.. I say, if you're upset with me, say so and we'll try to grow beyond it.
For someone else? I think we need to use some discernment and not set our expectations too high... and yet, set those boundaries.

When we toss out our opinions and advice, it'd better be with the full awareness that each person has a mind of his/her own and is fully
entitled to accept or reject our words. All of our counsel is a gift we give to others....
ya don't try to force someone to receive a gift, do ya?

It's different when you're talking with somebody with whom you're in close relationship.
of course expectations should be higher then... don't let yourself be dismissed so casually, right?

Lighter, sounds to me like you're placing too much value in the regard others have (or don't have)
for your views. Usually when that's happened with me, it's because the other person is doin something
that really grates against me... and I want them to stop. When I could see the controlling-ness behind my annoyance,
it was alot easier to let it go. But that only works with very casual relationships, you know?

If speaking your mind is relatively new for you, it's natural that it's carrying alot of weight right now.
Besides, you are being disrespected at some of the most intimate levels, I know ((((((((Lighter)))))))))
and so I can surely understand how important it would be for you to be genuinely heard elsewhere.

Umm... I hear ya. My ears get waxy at times, and other times we're speakin a different language entirely,
and yet I hear you... and I care.
I think you're a peach.

With love,
Carolyn

P.S.  you can always use humor toward yourself, just don't take it too personally when others rebel against it... they have their reasons.

[lighter]

**Hey, I liked that "broudening"... very continental, in a typo-ish sorta way !



****P.S.  you can always use humor toward yourself, just don't take it too personally when others rebel against it... they have their reasons.

 **heh.... glad you enjoyed it.

Annnnnnnnnd......

****I've been wait'in


and waitin to say this.....



keep scrolling.....






You're......




Keep scrolling....






NOT THE BOSS'A ME!



Ahhhh...... I've been holding that in for yeeeeeaaaaars, lol. 

It took someone as gentle nice kind and patient as you to let it out, lol; )



::whispering::

 

I just don't consider I've taken it personally here....



What I don't appreciate is having evil intentions and motives assumed, on my part.

A simple rebellion, sans the above, might be refreshing, lol.

[Certain Hope]

lol... I know, Lighter.

Nobody's the bossa anybody... here or elsewhere... and it's when that's forgotten that so much trouble arises.

I wouldn't expend my energies even sharing my views with someone whom I know does not value me as a person.
I don't have to dislike them or resent them to make that choice... and it really doesn't take much effort to discover who those folks are.

So I might try to talk with them, to share... and if they don't respond well... that's cool.

But I'm with you in the "evil intentions and motives" department.

I think it's natural for victims of abuse to visualize such evil intentions and motives behind every shrub... for awhile.

I think it'd be most mature and healthful for victims of abuse to recognize that inclination within themselves and acknowledge that they have no crystal ball in which to analyze another person's heart.

I think it'd be most prudent and least damaging for everyone for victims of abuse to at least have the decency to not spew their spurilous opinions all over a public board (or via pm) assigning psych disorders and sociopathic tendancies to human beings with whom they quite likely have a simple personality conflict.

All that'd be really nice.

But on a board for victims of abuse? I see that as highly unlikely.

So... I'd say that generosity and patience are both prerequisites for successful participation here.

And I am not either... just determined to get there.

With love,
Carolyn

[Hopalong]

Peace, my answer to each question in your post is a very heartfelt yes. So happy to hear you pose those questions.

Lighter and Hope. And Pema.

I am very much in touch with the idiot part.
I have a strong appreciation for the holy fool.

I think empathy cannot be compelled. It can be asked for but not demanded.

Thank you, Lighter and Hope, for talking about speaking and not being so afraid of disagreement. Risking disapproval and finding out that basically, well, nobody dies...disagreement is just what it is. Not more. Discomfort isn't death, it's a message. But it's up to each person, not anyone else, to decide how much they are ready to feel, tolerate, and learn from, at one time.

Our lessons are our own. Our timing is our own. Our plans and hopes are our own. We are alone with them. When we offer our telling to someone else, that's a present. Here, it's a present. The other can take them and unwrap and enjoy with us or go off to the next party. We are still free to enjoy our gifts.

Thanks, you guys.

love,
Hops