Slimed

[axa]

Need some advice.  I have been extremely busy the past few days and have found out that XN's daughter is having contact with my son.  I am so angry about it. 

Just to give a bit of background.  I loved XN's D very very much and was so wounded when I realised that she had been scheming behind my back to get rid of me.  She was telling me how much she loved me etc and and the while bad mouthing me and using me.  She, sadly, is very like her father having been brought up by him.  I let my defences down around her completely and got sucked into her stuff.  Her treatement of me towards the end of the relationship was just appalling. Needless to say I am still recovering from the wounds of her betrayl. 

I learned recently that she made contact with my son and is meeting with him.  I told my son that I would prefer if he did not tell her anything about me, he said that was ok with him.  I never went into any detail about her behaviour towards me because I thought that was all in the past.  I know how she operates and will use him and it makes me so angry.  He is like me and thinks everyone is good and I am afraid he will get sucked into her life and will be contaminated by her.  Bottom line I just want her and her father out of my life and let them get on with their own crazy lives.

Where does this leave me?  Well, angry is an understatement.  I am raging.  I want her away from me and my son.  He is 23 so I am not in a position to tell him what to do or who to be friends with but it hurts so much that he would have anything to do with her.

I am left sitting her raging.  I know it is my anger.  I met with a friend last night, drank too much wine and was like a demented person with my anger.  My friend send me a message this morning saying I need to do something about my anger.  He is right.  And I feel full of shame now.  I feel at such a loss and don't know what to do.  I have considered phoning XN's daughter and telling her to keep away from my son but don't think that is the right thing to do.  Just adding to the drama.  I think my son will unwittingly tell her about me and that will go back to Xn and somehow it feels like I have been contaminated AGAIN.

I so need to do something about my anger.  I feel like I have been slimed.  Need to vent it.  Drinking all that wine did not help either.  Wish you guys were here right now.

axa

[Certain Hope]

Dear Axa,

Big hugs to you. I'm so sorry to hear this... you've been accomplishing so much and I know you must be exhausted. Also, I can definitely relate to your anger at what feels like an invasion of the sanctity of your home, because that's how some of the stuff I've experienced with my older children has felt. The only thing I could do was to recognize these events as another step of their differentiation from me - and, for me - another very, very necessary step in my own differentiation from them.
You have asked your son not to share personal info about you with this young woman. I'm sorry that it seems so insufficient, but I really think you need to trust him to honor your wishes. Oh boy, do I know how insufficient that sounds... but he is not you, okay? (((((((Axa))))))

I don't have your answers, but I know that you do... within you... because - although your anger is so very intense right now, you have not allowed it to act out in harmful ways against others. Can you feel how that is something about which to be greatly encouraged?
It's ironic... I drank about a half gallon of wine several years ago, shortly before I quit drinking altogether, in the course of a very similar incident in my own life. I screamed and cried and prayed, all alone... and just emptied myself out... and then I poured the rest of that wine jug down the drain. I wonder whether it would help you to use imagery of yourself just pouring all of this out of yourself, figuratively... or even some ritual of release, in allowing all of this to flow out and away... so that you can see for yourself it's being removed from you now, once and for all, and no longer has access to return. You're controlling the anger, I think... you just maybe don't see that yet?
And so I believe that you can keep it from cycling back in again, too.

Love to you,
Carolyn

[Ami]

Dear Axa,
  I had to laugh at "anger like a demented person" . What a way to explain it. I had that recently. A dear friend pulled me out of it. I felt ashamed afterward ,too.
  It is scary where our reasoning processes "go."
  My 'intuition" on this (compost heap, if necessary ) is that ultimately you have to let it go( all outcomes ).As I was reading it,I was trying to get a feel for  the situation.
 First of all, you were treated HORRIBLY by her and her Father. . You deserve every bit of rage, bitterness, hatred and blind anger that you have. However, as with all hatred and anger,we can retain it and be poisoned or let it go and heal. I wrote a thread about this process.
 The "process" is the same whatever the 'size" of the violation.
   I was taking in all the pain and anger from the people  who hurt me and I was sick-- emotionally and physically.
 I think that you "know" that this is the answer,but it is hard to face our 'powerlessness".
 I would "tell" my son the whole story.I am always honest with my sons b/c people "know" the truth anyway,inside them. I would be honest about it all. Then,I would wash my hands of it.
  Axa,I have so damaged myself by hate. I know that I still have hate in me. However,I "saw" what these emotions do to you.
 I am making a huge effort to not "absorb"  the pain that comes my way. I virtually,almost died.It was from emotions such as you are describing. The emotions will destroy us. We ,as humans, cannot carry these types of emotions without them damaging the vessel that holds them---- us.
I am  sorry that it so very painful and almost a revisiting of the old wounds. ((((((Axa))))))  Love  Ami

[axa]

Carolyn  & Ami

Thanks for your responses.  I guess the good bit is that I did not act out, only hurt myself with the rage.  I hear what you both are saying. I know this can only hurt me and somehow feel a little less angry having posted here.  Thanks for that.  I know the right thing is to stay out of it.  I am afraid that she will use him, which I have no doubt she will.  Also I am so angry that she thinks she can have contact with my family in some ways it goes back to the pain she caused me counting as nothing.  Knowing I am nothing to her is very painful and not having contact or knowing about her helped me move on in lots of ways.  Its like I am right back in there again.  I need to work on this so much.  I know I cannot control what is going on just wish she would **** off and stay out of my life.

Hugs to you both

Axa

[Hopalong]

Oh (((((((((((Axa))))))))))))))

I'm sorry.

I wonder if on a deeper level, under the manipulative one, your ex's D misses you.
And maneuvering near your son is her unoncscious way of dealing with that?

Which is not to say at ALL that just because she as an organism is hungry for some nice raspberries, that you have to pluck them all off the bush and hand them to her. Or your son's raspberries either.

I think the pain of rejection is always tripled when someone we once wanted to be loved by turns their attention to someone else we love. To have that be our own child...grrrrrrrrr.

In terms of protecting him, I am drawn to Ami's thought about simply telling him how destructive and hurtful this young woman was to you. And suggesting to him that she may not know why she's orbiting near him, but in your experience it would be wise to not place trust in her. And then let it go...

What do you think, (((((((((Axa))))))))))))?

love,
Hops

[axa]

Hops,

Interesting perspective.  I guess I have no idea what is real or not real with her since I misread her so badly.  At some level I think that it is because she has moved to college this year and lives near my son and she knows he would be kind to her.  Cannot get past the part of her just using him. 

I think I will talk to him, if I can ever get him to answer his phone!!! and tell him to be careful of her.  I so do not trust her.  I guess I am struggling with the letting so..............so bad at that.

xxx

Axa

[axa]

Bean,

I am feeling a bit better now.  I think I felt quite ashamed of my anger.  I am so conscious that I keep it down most of the time but it is still there.  I spent a lot of the day obsessing about Xn's daughter but realise that all I am doing is hurting myself.  I have a pattern of replaying the old tapes in my head and they just sap my energy.  I wish I could just let things go.  I am not sure how I do that.  I was touched by Hops' question about maybe XN's D was trying to make a connection with me through spending time with my son.  Not sure it is true but it softened me a little.

I think I may start a thread on anger AGAIN.  I really wish I could deal with it.  I have a great desire for revenge which I know I will not act on but it is there all the same.  I think of the people who hurt me in my life and I want them to suffer too.  Same old stuff.

Thanks for being here Bean,

Axa