Why am I always confused?

[Lupita]

Today is Saturday. Fridays I have dance class and after the class we stay at the school and dance with each other until 2 or 3 in the morning. I Do not stay that late. But I usually stay a couple of hours. That is the way that the sexy dancing bad boy thing started.
Last night, I had more than I had in the past. In the past I stayed home and drank until passing out or just watch TV with 40 more pound on my a*s. Now I am in a better situation. I have a place to go out. I am skinnier. I have a couple of friends to go out. Still, I feel sad. I was feeling well until SDBB (sexy dancing bad boy) destroyed it. Then problems at work,  then my friend from the gym started going out with my ex friends from the book club. I left the book club because those friends were being unfair to me and started going out with a friend from the gym and had fun. Suddenly she met the friends from the book club and she prefers to be with them. Now she does not go out with me. She goes out with my ex friends from the book club. So I found new two friends to go out with. I took them to my salsa class and they liked it and the registered for class. Yesterday they went to the Friday dance with me. I found book club bad friends there, with the traidor friend. Those started making friendship with my new friends. Those ex friends from the book club started making friends with my new friends. Those two new friends I am afraid they will cut me off and start going out with book club people. It seems that something bad is chasing me. These last two weeks have been difficult. Of course, my son is healthy, I still have a job. It is just the Maslow piramid I am in the acceptance an social part. I want to have friends and people to go out with and if God allows me to have a companion of the opposite sex that has love for me and we have compatibility.
But this week has been so hard. Last night at salsa school Friday dance, I am there sad because of the problems in my school, I see SDBB dancing with other women, and I see my ex friends from book club stilling every single friendship I make.
I need a friend today. I need a friend today, today, physical contact with a human being, I do not know what I want. Yesterday I invited several of my classmates to dance, they are very young, nice people, kids, I just wanted to practice, but they were so busy that they could not or did not want to dance with me. So I was rejected in all aspects of my life.
At least I had a good day at work, I sang with my students and they loved the songs and I put the Mexican hot dance and I danced for them with a sombrero and one got up and dance Hip Hop with the Mexican music and it was very cute, and we all laugh at the end of the day I knew I did a god job. Still, I had to face the fact that my boss is getting away with murder, and have difficulty finding friends and difficulty finding partners to dance. SDBB invited me to dance with him three pieces, and I was so nervous that I missed up several times. At least eh saw mw dancing with two classmates. So he knew I danced a little. It is a psychological battle even to go try to practice my dancing skills at my own school. Every single thing I do it seems to cause me a huge stressful feeling. I am exhausted. Help me friends.

[Poppy Seed]

Hey  wonderfully talented Lupita,

I felt the saddness in your post.   What exactly is it about your situation that confuses you?  Is it that you are trying to hard to improve yourself and to let your light shine, and you wonder why it doesn't bare the fruit you need?  Is that the confusing part?  What is the psychological battle, exactly?  What about your circumstances makes you feel so exhausted?  Is it all the effor, stress, and tears trying to make your life work? Hoping this action or that action will attract friends?  I am guessing here.

with ears open,
Poppy

[Lupita]

Dear Pop, thank you for talking the time to write and to talk to me. It feels nice, that at least through this screen of my computer I can get a human being to talk to me.
Unofrtunately, I do not know how to answer you. The same fear at high school. Friends betraying, boyfriend betraying, boss discriminating, all together. I should have stayed home and cry instead of going there.

[Ami]

Dear Lupita,
  Since I am recovering from that disease called head in your A##- itis,I would like to tell you some things that have ( and are helping ) me.
  My book on the inner child describes 3 parts in us. There is the Child,Adult and Higher self( connection to God).
  One person described in the book reminded me of your situation. She had not developed her 'adult" well enough . Her "child" was running her life.
  Her child was not 'monitored " by an adult with loving care and guidance. Her child had been pushed aside in her upbringing(like most of ours have ) and her hurting ,abandoned child was directing her  life.
We  need to develop the Adult part of us b/c the adult part of us is the ONLY part of us that can take action in the world.
  Our child feels all the feelings that you describe-- wanting attention, wanting  to be appreciated,wanting to be part of a group.However,our adult must keep us safe.Our adult must add two and two together and make it four--for us-- in the world.
  You raised a good son. You know how to nurture someone.You know how to take care of someone. That is what the adult part of you needs to do for YOU.
  The hardest part of the whole thing is to go against those deeply held messages that our M's told us about our value( that we were worth less).
  It is very hard for me to go against all the "rules" that she taught me. I am doing it slowly. This is just another modality for you to consider                                       Ami

[Lupita]

I ahve to tell to you dear Ami the same I said to Pop, I do not know how to. Tell me how do I do that.

And how am I supposed to do that?

I do not drink sodas, I drink a lot of water, I exercize, I help everybody I can, I do a good job at my work, I listen to affirmations. How in the world am I supposed to do what you are saying?

I read my bible, I go to church, bla bla bla, what else can i do.

[Ami]

This is my 'textbook " right now---Healing Your Aloneness " by Margaret Paul. I am making progress---not as fast or steady as I want,but progress,nonetheless.
   It is hard tp get back in touch with our deep self-----BUT what good is life with as MUCH suffering as you are describing.?The book says that inner child work is the fastest and deepest way to heal(  Bradshaw said it.I am reading his book too)
  If we don't somehow learn to love ourselves----nothing will ever be O.K
    A million 'bad boys" can't fill it. It is unfillable without our loving ourselves.
   I am hurting and struggling too,Lupita,but I am finding my true self and it is BEAUTIFUL. Yours is too.         Love   Ami

[Ami]

I was just doing an inner child workbook and something came up that might help (even if you don't do the inner child "work").
  Much of the inner child "therapy" is discovering your false beliefs and SEEING that they ARE false. I got a great insight that I shared on "Shunned's thread .
  I "saw" with my heart that I am a decent person- maybe even a 'neat" person.I saw that my M simply had a layer of lies that she inculcated me with. She simply was like one of those "nagging"characters  in cartoons that keep "bugging" someone.. She was simply a continual shower of lies raining down on me.
  I am seeing it for the first time since I was 14.
  The hardest part is being willing to change old patterns b/c they are familiar AND comfortable no matter HOW much we hate them .We KNOW them. WE have made "friends" with them. WE are intimate with them and they are a "security" against "change" which is so fear producing for us.
  I see that in myself. If I am used to eating' old moldy bread",.I resist fresh baked, healthy bread.
  I  have to force myself to do the inner child exercises. However, when I do, I get "dislodged" from the painful, familiar patterns. It is like breaking "stone". However,I am really SO miserable being like I am. I have wasted all the "specialness" that is me.  That was my life with my M.
  I gave my specialness away for nothing and to everyone. I am tired of being like this.     Ami

[Bella_French]

Those were beautifully written posts, AMi; I really enjoy reading about all the things you have learned. Thank you!

Dear Lupita,

I get the sense from your post that you're just out of practice with socializing as the `new Lupita', because your new identity has only come about within the last 6 months and it is so different to the old you.

I think when we change so much, we attract different types of people too, and it can take a little time to get used to them, such as picking the right people to be around, and knowing who the right friends for you are. I think it is very natural for you to be confused at this point, but I admire you for getting out, and trying to  figure it all out. I think you will meet a lot more people generally, and some of them will be bad, and some of them will be good, and some of them will be very good. Eventually you will know who to avoid, because experience has taught you.

I guess my advice is to be patient, and to trust that you will get more used to picking the right type of friends for you.

X Bella












 

[Hopalong]

Hi Lupita,
When you mentioned that you do affirmations, I was thinking of so many threads when you attack yourself. It's like hearing you slap yourself repeatedly, with words: ugly nose, noone will love me ever, I am fat, my cheeks are too round, etc etc.

I wonder if one way to begin to change the feeling of being so unkind to yourself would be to notice when you have angry, self-critical thoughts like that, and stop yourself? One book I read years ago suggested a very simple method for retraining your thoughts: wear a thick rubber band around your wrist and when you catch yourself saying one of those unloving things to yourself about yourself, SNAP it! The quick sting is a shock and you use that moment of "thought-stopping" to come aware.

Then you start thinking self-loving affirmations immediately.

Do that for a while and the positive thoughts become the default thoughts.

Just a...thought!

love
Hops

[Lupita]

Thank you Bella, and HOp. It seems to be a good idea. Is that what Ami is talking about? Ami says to love your self and to nurture your self.
Is that the way you do that?
Or if you cannot explain the way others act, then you can say to your self it is not under my control, it has nothing to do with me, I am a good person, and there is no reason for that person to ge away from me, or to be with me that particular way, I am good. It is not up to me. Let it go.
Is it something like that?

How do you nurture your self?

[Lupita]

My mom is an N, my boss discriminates openly against me, nobody cares, my friends betrayed me and the man I liked rejected me. Which in a way is a blessing because we all know that he is bad. But still, how can I nurture my self?
I do not know how.

[Ami]

As I read eveyone's posts,I thought that we are coming at the SAME thing from different angles. Janet is doing EFT to dislodge old,worn out,destructive beliefs. Hops is doing hypnosis.  Other people do affirmations. If ind that the 'inner child works best for me.
 The whole point is to "shake up" and dislodge the old beliefs that are KILLING us. I really believe that killing is not too strong a word. They are destroying us from the outside in.
   I bought Lucinda Bassetts program for healing Anxiety and Depression.It really did not help very much. However,one thing was very interesting. She said to carry a notebook with you and write down all your thoughts about yourself. So, I was shocked at how horribly I talked to myself. There was my M's voice---loud and clear. It always had some version of.'WHOOOOO do you think YOUOOOOO are?"
I always gave the "right" answer. I am no one. I am worthless. I don't deserve to even nurture myself. I am soooo bad. THAT was my answer and that was my thinking.The resut of this thinking over many years was that I could not "eat"
  The inner child books are a modality that sits well with me. I don't want another 'expert" telling me what is wrong with me. I believe, as the IC books say, that I KNOW the answers inside. This appeals to me more that "putting myself in a therapists hands.
  Lupita, you really were treated so pitifully. I am having to face that I was truly an  abused person, too.
  I think that your very first goal would be to find some safe place( person,group) where you could grieve what your M did to you. I don't think that you have truly faced it --with your  heart.
  I don;t say this lightly. As bad as my M was, she was not in the league of yours. I think that your deep insecurity arises from her treatment of you and your belieif that she was 'right"
 THAT is the core belief that MUST be changed.I believe that that core belief is "attracting" bad people to you. Throw it in the compost heap,if you want.
  I believe  that this ONE place is where you need to begin. You need to grieve the biggest betrayal that life has------ a mother hurting you. If there is one person who I could kill with my bare hands(or marble coffee table) it would be your mother.
If I ever saw her------Watch out.I feel so much anger toward her and I have only HEARD about her.
  That is my 2 cents.                                                                                               Ami

[Lupita]

The affirmations that I am listening now are boring now. Do you know of other affirmations that I can listen? I am listening to Louis Hay now. I need to change, I know those by memory and it does not help when I am having problems.

[Ami]

Dear Lupita,
  Maybe ,your first step could be to carry a notebook with you and write down all your thinking processes(about yourself). I bet you would be shocked to see exactly what you say to yourself. Sometimes seeing exactly HOW we treat ourselves can shock us in to 'giving up" the old patterns .
Healing is slow(IME). Getting sick was slow ,too.
Every little step is really a huge step.                                               Ami

[Lupita]

OK, Ami, I am going to follow your advise. I will try to be as honest as possible. Will write here if I can.
Today I feel better after going to church. Not becasue I did a god job nurturing my self, but becasue I obtain satisfaction from the outside and today it was a satisfactory outside. bed, very bad.
The custodios at my school are hispanics. They were very badly mistreated by our boss. They talked to the pastor and he said that they should become members of the church. they did today. When the pastor asked the congregation to welcome these new members, one is from Cuba the other from Honduras, the pastor said to help everybody from any nation and any race. For the first time I thought he was talking to Dr. U, the boss, who was there of course, he has to be there every Sunday as everybody else, me and others. The congregation aplauded. Somebody said Haleluya. I was happy to witness that the pastor was welcoming these tow hispanics to the church in public, for everybody to see.
In Sunday school, my ex boss, who is the Sunday school teacher, mentioned many passages and verses and chapters, where you shoulkd not think more of your self because everyting you have was given to you by God but nothing because you deserve it but by grace. I tought that was directed to Dr. U who of course was there.
Then the accountant of the school who is important in the church told me personally that he was glad to have me there and introduced me to his wife and his wife gave me a hug and called me honey.
Then we had a lunch prepared by the men of the church, somebody asked me to place my slef in front of her becasue she knew that I had to go. My son was waiting for me to have lunch together somewhere else. Dr. U was there and nobody invited him to get in the line. Not that I saw. He was just standing in there. I got my plate and left. He was not in line yet when I left. I did not even say good morning to him at all. He had ot have noticed that I do not like the way he has treated me.
I will do my best with the kids, I will do the best of my abilities for my kids to learn my subject matter, I will pray for the school, and I will pray for God to change the heart of this person.

My point is that I am happy for the actions of others and not for what I am or what I think I am but for stimukus that come from the outside and that is not good. Stimulus can be negative then i feel bad.

So, those are my thoughts for today.

Thank you Ami foryour time and suggestions.

On the other hand, what if they are just faking it just to cover for Dr. U's inappropriate behavior? What if they are in combination with Dr. U to get rid of me? Naaaaaa!!!, I dont think so.