Anger AGAIN

[axa]

Cb,

THank you for this post.  I discount so easily what I have been through and feel a failure over my anger.  Today I was so tearful and of course keep pushing it down.  I guess the underlying feeling is sadness and loss.  I too find it interesting that Xn's D is back in my head.  I feel like she just caste me out of her life when she knew how much I cared about her.  I guess it is going back to not being seen AGAIN.  I never told her how much she hurt me and somehow that feels like unfinished business.  I also know that that is something I have to resolve within myself.  Telling her how I feel will not make any difference.  I think I feel a lot of pain and I want her to feel the pain too........I guess it is about projection.

Yes, there is something about control or lack of it but how do I move on from this.  I know I want to control what is outside of me, a waste of time and energy but what is this keeping me away from because I do think when I want to act something out it is because I do not want to own it.  I feel stuck right now.

I am so glad you have been on this journey with me CB your hand holding has been so meaningful.

Poppy

I love your contributions.  I too identify with much of what you say.  I hear and value your posts.

xxx

axa

[Hopalong]

This is a wonderful thread.

Axa, not much to offer except that grief does happen in waves over time. And before, most of your grieving focused on the exNbf. Now as time's moved on (as have you), the ex'sD appears near your SON. Yikers! Bottom line, I think her intrusion is allowing you to finish grieving for your loss of her. N or not, she was also someone you loved and lost.

And I think moving away, too, puts the past into relief, and we see it even more vividly for a while, before the present catches us up and we get fully into the new current. Do you think those past attachments could feel more real to you now, just because you are in a new place, a new community, and haven't had time to form new attachments yet?

love to you,
Hops

[sally]

Dear Axa,

Been thinking about anger and I wonder is it closely connected with powerlessness.  In my case I am beginning to think so.  When I cannot do something about what hurts me I get so angry and act it out on myself rather than others.  I wonder how does one let go of anger.  What do you do with the energy of anger that explodes inside of you.  I understand that an amount of anger can be healthy it that it keeps us safe but this never ending anger which just stops me from living, what is the point of it.

I discount so easily what I have been through and feel a failure over my anger.  Today I was so tearful and of course keep pushing it down.  I guess the underlying feeling is sadness and loss.

Hops posted on another thread that anger is a surface emotion and that there are "source" emotions underlying and manifesting as anger.  I also agree with this.  As you and others have mentioned, feelings of loss, failure, powerlessness, fear and frustration often manifest as anger.


I'm editing your words here:
"I ..................... feel a failure over my anger."

Axa:  why does feeling anger make you feel like a failure?  Anger is a natural feeling.  You're not a failure for feeling anger.  You're human!!  If you felt no anger, that wouldn't be good either.

The question, IMO, is how do we feel our anger without it destroying us?  What I have done is, as I alluded to above, see what feelings are UNDERLYING the anger (fear, loss, frustration, etc) and deal with THOSE feelings.  Once I recognize and acknowledge the underlying feelings, I feel less angry and I feel the underlying feeling.  And sometimes, feeling the underlying feelings does not make me feel better, sometimes it makes me feel worse than feeling angry.

I guess, in a way, the anger is protecting us or preventing us from feeling the underlying feeling.  Maybe feeling anger is our subconscious way of avoiding feeling (& acknowledging) the underlying feeling, like we'd rather feel angry than feel hurt or afraid.

Hope you feel better.

Love,
sally

[Poppy Seed]

Axa,

I went to bed last night thinking about you.  And I woke up this morning thinking about you.  I kept wondering what role shame plays in your thinking.  Is it wrapped up in your anger too?  Does it punish you because you have the feelings of anger, but invalidate the feelings of underneath it too?  And the more you work on the feelings the more shame you feel and not knowing the answers or not acting perfectly kind and good? Don't know.  You don't have to answer.  I was just thinking that I think shame plays a huge role in our abililty to find our correct feelings and listen to the anger and so we find ourselves stuck.

Hugs to Axa.
Poppy

[axa]

I LOVE THIS BOARD

Hops,

I think you have hit the nail on the head.  It does feel like grief, deep harrowing grief for the losses I have suffered in my life.  I think I feel some jealousy that my son has what I have not, sharing with XN's D.  I do think she is very Nish but I also know in my heart that I truely loved her so much.  I feel as if I could cry an ocean, again.  I had such hopes for her in my life.  I had such hopes that my loving her would be a core strength she could take with her in her life.  I also had hoped that I could share her growing.  I also idealised her.  Attributed values to her that my own D had and she does not possess because she has been brought up by such an N father.  Naming my grief seems to ease it right now.

I walked past Xn's family home today.  He has not been there in years as the house has been sold and felt real sadness for him and the abuse he suffered in that house.  I felt my anger melting and a sense of connectness with all who have been abused as children.  It does not in any way alter my feelings towards him but somehow I felt real compassion for myself and all the voiceless people in this world. 

I think you are right about being in a new city bringing so much to the fore again and I know this will pass.  Many thanks for this wonderful and freeing insight Hops an extra large hug to you.

Sally,
Thank you also.  The underlying feeling is grief and loss, I see this now.  I guess my sense of failure around feeling anger is that my Nmother was a raging woman and I swore that I would never be like her.  In trying to be the polar opposite to her I have squashed down feelings of anger and see them as negative.  I must remember that in the end it was my anger which saved me from Xn.  It was my anger which propelled me out of his orbit.  I think I do not know that it is ok to be angry and to use that energy to protected myself.  I am only learning this.  My co-dep has made me swallow my anger and then resent the fact that I was abused.  I could not have been treated so badly if I had acted on my anger at the early stages.  There is a big lesson here for me.

Poppy,

THank you for thinking of me, makes me feel warm and cared for.  And yes, as I said to Sally I do connect anger and shame.  I was deeply ashamed of my mother's anger and took on her shame, since she had none.  I have such a strong message around civilised people do not get angry....SAYS WHO!!!!!!!!!!!  I also think there is huge collusion in society around not expressing anger as if one is less than by doing so.  A good kind person does not get angry.........SAYS WHO.  This is a message I have internalised so much it is part of my  core. 

I have always tried to deny my anger and expressing it here has been very cathartic for me.  I know that with XN it was only in the end when I lost control of my anger that I did something about the abusive relationship I was in.  He! just figured something out.  I equate anger with being out of control but it does not have to be that way, I never thought of this before.  I can be angry and in control, this is another new insight for me.

Many, many thanks

Axa

[Poppy Seed]

I love being angry and in control.  I make some of my best and healthiest decisions that way.

Hugs to Axa.

[sea storm]

Dear Axa,

I listen with great interest and caring to your posts. Always straight from the heart and struggling toward the light.  I wish for you more compassion for yourself.  The anger may be huge and no wonder! You have been raked  through the coals.  Yell, Scream, throw self in ocean, tear up towels boy are you ever entitled to that anger. Somehow. although the power of the anger is overwhelming at times, I think it pushes you forward, just as sorrow and grief do.  We don't grow much in the happy, carefree times.  This dark night of the soul is the crucible of change.  Layer after layer of denial and false hope is falling away.  You are pulling out the tendrils of control that all the Ns had wound around your heart and soul
I have found this to be very hard work.  I think I even carried my exNs anger and have to let that go to.  Eventually, I think you have a pure heart and this is all for something better.  Lord knows, you won't be enthralled by the next silver-tongued devil you meet.
I am so sorry for your losses.  I am glad that you loved your stepdaughter and so sorry that she doesn't understand much about love.

As for anger.  It can seem as big as a house and as insurmountable as Mt. Everest.  Personally, I don't like it.  I feel like a loser creepoid when I am in the grip of my anger.  It has caused a lot of damage.  I notice as i learn to love myself for the first time in my life, that I don't feel so cut to the quick by other people.  The desperation for justice and approval is lessening because it is being replaced by other things.  I do a lot of meditation now and it helps to keep me centred and not obsessing like a wild monkey about the past.  In a way it is like getting religion.  Someone said that praying is talking to God, and meditation is listening to God.   And god is just some power that is greater than me. IT is Nature, the wind in the trees and the river rushing and the sound of the woodpecker. 

You are loved Axa.

Sea storm

[Poppy Seed]

I don't know if this is helpful....but I will add it anyway.  It is entry Jan. 14 in my Melody Beattie book, " The Language of Letting Go."

ACCEPTING ANGER

Anger is one of the many profoundd effects life has on us.  It's one of our emotions.  And we're going to feel it when it comes our way -- or else repress it.

If I was working a good program, I wouldn't get angry....If I was a good Christian, I wouldn't feel angry....If I was really using my affirmations about how happy I am, I wouldn't be angry......Those are old messages that seduce us into not feeling again.  Anger is part of life.  We need not to dwell in it or seek it out, but we can't afford to ignore it.

In recovery, we learn we can shamelessly feel all of our emotions, including anger, and still take responsibility for what we do when we are angry.  We don't have to let anger control us, but is surely will if we prevent ourselves from feeling it.

Being grateful, being positive, being healthy, does not mean we will never feel angry.  Being grateful, postitive, and healthy means we feel angry when we need to.

Today I will let myself be angry, if I need to.  i can feel and release my emotions, including anger constructively.  I will be grateful for my anger and the things it is trying to show me.  I can fell and accept all my emotions without shame, and take responsibility for my actions.

[Poppy Seed]

Just one more on anger........July 18

TIME TO GET ANGRY

It's about time you got angry -- yes, that angry!

Anger can be such a potent, and frightening emotion. It can also be a feeling the guides us to important decisions, sometimes decisions difficult to make.  It c an signal other people's problems, our problems, or simply problems we need to address.

We deny our anger for a variety of reasons.  We don't give ourselves permission to allow it to come into our awareness -- at first.  Understand that it does not go away.  It sits in layers under the surface, waiting for us to be ready, safe, and strong enough to deal with it.

What we may do instead of facing our anger and what it is telling us about self care, is feel hurt, victimized, trapped, guilty, and uncertain about how to take care of ourselves.  We may withdraw, deny, make excuses, and hide our heads in the sand -- for a while.

We may punish, get even, whine, and wonder.

We may repeatedly forgive the other person for behaviors that hurt us.  We may be afraid that someone will go away if we deal with our anger toward him or her.  We may be afraid we will need to go away, if we deal with our anger.

We may simply be afraid of our anger and the potency of it.  We may not know we have a right, even a responsibility -- to ourselves -- to allow ourselves to feel and learn from our anger.

God, help my hidden or repressed angry feelings to surface.  Help me have the courage to face them.  Help me understand how I need to take care of myself with the people I feel anger toward.  Help me stop telling myself something is wrong with me when people victimize me and I feel angry about the victimization.  I can trust my feelings to signal problems that need my attention.

[Certain Hope]

Dear Poppyseed, Those excerpts are awesome... thank you for sharing them here!  I'm checking to see whether I can get that book from the library.

Dear Axa, This thread has really benefitted me...  especially through the realization of the shame attached to my angry feelings. Thank you for sharing all that you do here and please know that I'm cheering you on as you run this race.

Hugs,

Carolyn

P.S. on edit... Yes, they do have the book (The Language of Letting Go), along with many others by her which sound very good. I put in my request!

[CB123]

You are loved Axa.

Sea storm

Oh, Sea.....I've missed you so much!  Good to see you here again, even if only for a moment.

Love
CB

[Poppy Seed]

Hope,

This book has really been a life saver for my H and I.  It is so simple ..... a little snippit of wisdom everyday.  I go here whenever I feel distressed and index my stress of the day and then get a little pep talk from Melodie.  I hope you enjoy!

Poppy

[axa]

Seastorm,

GREAT to hear from you.  How are you doing.  I have not been reading all the threads but it seems like an age since I read anything from you.  I know things have been difficult for you and am pleased to see you back here.  THank you for acknkowledging my losses, there have been so many.  Really working through my anger, with the help of my friends here, has helped me embrace it rather than try and rid myself of it.  It has been such a revelation to me to see it as a positive thing and a part of me alerting myself to what is going on.  I am doing a little meditation, in fact I will do some having written this post, and believe it also will help me with my anger.  I am so pleased not to be afraid of that alerting anger any longer.


Poppy,

What has struck me also on this thread is how judgemental we are and how hard we are on ourselves, well me anyway.  Lots of shoulds/should nots instead of knowing that we are angry and that is a singal that something important needs attention.  Can't believe I missed this one.  The piece about meeting our anger may cause us to move away from someone is exactly what was going on for me.

Really appreciate you posting this stuff Poppy been very very helpful.

axa

[lighter]

Anger is a clarifying wholly necessary emotion.

We can't appreciate the good/positive emotions, without the existence of perceived negative emotions.

Anger helps individuate us..... (I think I may have made that word up, lol)

gives us energy to free ourselves or make changes necessary for our growth and safety.

Anger is as valid an emotion as sadness, happiness or confusion. 

Confusion sucks.....

so does guilt, come to think of it

[Poppy Seed]

I am learning that I don't need my anger as much as I used to.  I don't feel the volumes of it.  I think it is because I am starting to feeling more powerful in my life.  I am starting to take responsibility and giving myself permission to make the necessary self care decisions in my life.  I think I have felt like a prisoner because I didn't feel allowed to protect myself.  ANGER.  Now I know that I can make good....even really good choices for myself.  And when I do....meet my needs....my anger seems to fade back down to size.  That feels really good.  Maybe it is a letting go or maybe it is just finding the right cure to the problem.  I guess I just wanted to say that it feels good to know that the trick isn't in NOT having bad emotions, but in treating all emotions in healthy ways.  That feels powerful and centered and balanced to me.

If only I had this much success with my shame........hmmm grumble, grumble, smile!