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I just want someone to know the truth!

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Screamer:
Dear All,

I am extremely grateful for your words of support and encourgagement.  It means so much!!

I've lived with this for so long.  I always thought I was the problem.  My family consistently gave me messages that said, I was the problem.  In so many ways I have been told I was defective.  

My mother's favorite line has been, "you dreamed that."  If I brought up something that I was angry about, something from my childhood, she would say... "that never happened, you just dreamed that."  I have often wondered if this was true.  Was I really confusing my dreams with reality?  

However, I started dealing with the sexual abuse that occured in my family.  My father started assaulting me when I was 2.5 years old.  I read that telling victims that they just dreamed about the abuse was common place.

Now I have stopped believing all the lies.  I have insisted on telling the truth, even to myself.  Now I just can't stand to be around her any more.  I don't want to be around any of my family.  They are all content with the system they have established.  I feel they actually blame me for refusing to play the role of scape goat and whipping boy anymore.

Anyway... Thank you all for listening and replying to my post.  Your support is very meaningful and very appreciated!!

Portia:
You know what screamer? Your father was a paedophile and your mother was an accessory to his crimes. They should both have been locked up and given intensive therapy. You are right to hate your mother. I hate your mother and any mother that (1) stands by and lets that happen to her child or anyone else’s child for that matter and (2) then not only denies knowledge of it, but denies it’s very existence. It’s cruelty and it’s torture. Good for you for letting mother’s day go by. Anytime you want to tell more truth, you can here. P

Screamer:
Hi Portia,

Thank you for your support.  

My mother does acknowledge that it happens, but she swears she never knew anything about it.  However she did know that he was a schizophrenic, a drunk, a drug user, and violent!  She did know I was afraid of him, I lived in fear that he would kill me and never thought I would live to see 16.  She did know I wanted to commit suicide.  

He was violent with her as well.  She says she stayed with him so we would have a father.  I don't think that was entirely true.  That was the excuse she gave herself.  She didn't want to leave.  

At one point my mother and father separated (supposedly because of me).  Months later, I found out that my mother was still sleeping with him.  Despite everything he had done to me, despite the fact that he chose to leave, he chose not to be a father... she was still sleeping with him.  Somehow I doubt she was doing that for the kids.

One of the things my mother likes to say is how hard she worked for she and I to have a good relationship.  I just don't see it.  This is not how I remember it.

seeker:
Hey Screamer,

I'm glad you found the board and are writing to us.  It can be a real lifesaver, literally.  Hope you are doing okay.  Your post is so valiant and brave!  You are screaming to save your life.  

Life is hard and a struggle, but where does it say we have to subject ourselves to situations that hurt us more when we can hurt less by moving away from the danger?  Your trauma would heal faster if you were in a safe place v. a place where the trauma happened (near your mother).  

Someone else here posted a great site: http://lynneforrest.com/artcls/fov9.html.  This is the last part of a great article, but this part says that to get out of the drama you must be willing to be perceived as the "bad guy" even if you aren't.  This is just how it went with me and my very toxic NSIL.  I walked away and was blamed for not caring, not accepting her kids (who do her dirty work), etc.  "Scorched earth" badmouthing all over the neighborhood.  I haven't looked back.

I will add to what mrtraced said about honoring your parents.  I struggled  a bit with this one, until I read "honor what is honorable" e.g. they brought you into the world.  If that is all you can think of to honor, that's quite okay, say "thanks" and off you go to recover and live a healthy life.  They don't own you.

Your mother sounds like she is lying to herself as much as she is to you.  This doesnt excuse it, but might explain part of it.  Stay focussed on safety and health.  Hang on to your truth.  

Again, I'm glad you are finding support.  Stay well, Seeker

Michelle:
tried the post above and it didn't work!  is there possibly another link to the article?

thanks, Michelle

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