Me age 7

[SoSmall]

I have this photo of me that I love.  I am age 7 (or so).  I am laying on my grandparents porch in the Ozark Mountains.  I am laying next to my Grandpa's Irish Setter - she is the same size as me.  We have the same firey auburn hair.  An exact match.

Every summer I was sent off "to the farm".  And how I loved it there.  I was never yelled at though I was disciplined.  I was allowed to think for myself.  I was allowed to be wrong and right at the same time.

I look at that photo.  And I just see this sweet little girl.  I just wish i could tell her It was going to be allright. I wish I could make a difference in her life.   I am sooo disconnected from that little girl in the photograph. She went through hell in her parents house. 

My grandparents had a hippie mentality.  They let me run all over the hills and creeks around the house alone because quote "the dogs would take care of me."  And off I went -  elementary school aged - but those were the best times and probably the safest times of my childhood.  It was just me and the pack of stray pooches my grandparents had accumulated.   I was never scared at my grandparents.

Before I cut my parents out of my life (at age 33) - during those final fights - the final struggle for an apology - for love for anything.  I was told I was dramatic.  I was asked continually why I was so "stubborn"?  Why couldn't I forget the past? 

My parents just wanted to forget that the first 20 years of my life existed.  Gloss it over- live life for today.  And I guess in the end - even though I cut them out of my life - I have spent alot of time trying to remove that little girl from existance.  Pretending my life started in 1991 when I moved out of their home.  Maybe that is why I always joke around with people that I am 14 years old at heart. 

I didn't realize how much I disconnected from my childhood. 

[SoSmall]

Thankyou for such a sweet reply.  Those Ozark mountains can do wonders can't they?  I too, wouldn't trade any part of my life if it meant losing that time too.  I guess in that reguard we are very lucky.  I love that place so much it is where I want my ashes scattered when I pass.

I had a weird thought.  I wonder how many of us had the same reaction when watching the movie Forrest Gump.  When as adults Forrest and Jenny go back home walking through Alabama.  And they come upon Jenny's childhood home which she had been removed from (for abuse) and taken to her grandmas.  And as an adult she stops dead when she sees that house.  She picks up a rock and throws it with such anger at the house.  Then another and another till she collapses in tears.  And Forrest narrarating says, "Sometimes I guess there just ain't enough rocks."

Thats how I have felt for a long time. 

[Ami]

Dear So Small,
  My son(older) had the same color hair as an Irish setter ,too. .
 So Small, read my posts as I try to reclaim my  inner child. That is your goal,as I see it. That beautiful inner child is STILL in there,but it is buried. The simple answer is that we "dig " her up. However,it is a painful and hard process b/c we are so used to being 'lost",now.
  " Lost" is what is normal to us ,now. We are 'comfortable" with it even though it hurts. The hardest thing is overcoming the resistance to change(IME)
  We are REALLY still in there(IMO), So Small.   Keep writing, just as you are doing. . Also, read Shunned's posts.I think that they will help
                                                                        Love   Ami
 

[Hopalong]

Lovely SoS,

Do you have a dog now?
I think a lot of your healing might be with animals, and in nature.

Do you get a chance now to go out in woods, to roam with dogs?

I hope so.

love
Hops

[SoSmall]

Thanks for asking.  I have 3 dogs and 3 cats and we rescue many many more.  I have a big connection with animals.  The little lost ones always seem to find me.