The Good News( and Bad news)---The Answer is Within Us

[Ami]

I would like to hear people's experience of TRYING to get filled up(to feel good about ourselves) from the outside. How did it work? Did it work? Did you realize that it wouldn't or couldn't work?
This is where I am.   I have tried it ALL(clothes, make-up, houses, relationships,kids, activities, education, hobbies, talents,trips, parties,friendships, animals).
  All have left me empty-- ( sooner or later). At some point,I am at the same empty point inside that I was BEFORE  the activity or 'thing".
  Would like to hear from anyone who can relate.                            Ami

[cats paw]

Hi Ami,

  I went back to find this thread.  I remember reading it, but it was around the time when I took a break from posting, but I wanted to come back to it.

  IMO, becoming filled up, once and for all, is chasing an illusory nirvana.  I think it's more like high tide and low tide, ebb and flow, the way reality works.  The ocean is still there, it's volume is constant regardless of the amount of water lapping on our personal beach at any given time.

  Pehaps for some, the raging waves in storms of unhappiness are such that it appears the volume of the whole ocean has increased.
Then, not drowning, just staying alive is such an intense experience, that regular contentment, and joys, also sadness and life's vicissiitudes seem to leave us empty in comparison.

  I also wonder if midlife is a ripe period for these types of realizations.

cats paw   

[lighter]

I think it has more to do with identifying the core beliefs about yourself (the things that are important about being you) internalize them... become less dependant on outside validation and more dependant on ourselves for being sure these things are real, no matter what anyone else thinks.

You can name 5 things that you absolutely want people to know about you, and start with that. 

What are they? 

Why are they true?

Does everything make sense to you?

 

[Poppy Seed]

::::student poppy, ready for class::::

I can relate.  I can also say that those things you listed, AMi, DO bring some measure of satisfaction.  But for me, they don't fill this part of me that feels so damaged. Sometimes all the "right" thinking in the world doesn't feel like it is strong enough to counter balance it.  ( I know that is just a feeling....not necessarily true.)

I see what you are saying CatsPaw (Hello, btw) about it being a false Nirvana.  But I wonder if what I am missing is a sense of wholeness that would enable me to enjoy all these elements of life.  Maybe we can't have the nirvana.  But we can find the wholeness.

Lighter,

Can you explain more about what you mean?  list...five things....why that helps.....etc. 

[SilverLining]

I would like to hear people's experience of TRYING to get filled up(to feel good about ourselves) from the outside. How did it work? Did it work? Did you realize that it wouldn't or couldn't work?
This is where I am.   I have tried it ALL(clothes, make-up, houses, relationships,kids, activities, education, hobbies, talents,trips, parties,friendships, animals).
  All have left me empty-- ( sooner or later). At some point,I am at the same empty point inside that I was BEFORE  the activity or 'thing".
  Would like to hear from anyone who can relate.                            Ami

I definitely can relate.  Have tried nearly everything on your list, and a few others.   Jobs and career was a big one for me.  There are lots of comments in the Bible which apply.  There's the one about "laying up treasures in heaven".   And Ecclesiastes is a great meditation by someone who seems to be having a major mid life crisis.  He tried a lot of different things, and found out they are all just "vanity and vexation".   

I'd ad that our entire culture tends to encourage this approach.  People who are trying to fill themselves from outside make good consumers and keep the economy rolling. 

[Ami]

He( Sol) tried everything on a MEGA scale and it wasn't enough.                                     Ami

[lighter]

Poppy:  For some people, being smart, members of Mensa and graduating from a certain school is what defines them, to themselves, beliefs they've brought with them from their childhoods.    

You hear them bring it up... bc it's part of their legend..... it's the core of what's important to them... about themselves.
 

 It's what they want other people to KNOW and they feel safe when they understand that other people get that about them.... and accept it as truth.

If they receive validation, they light up and can relax and be more outgoing and joyful.  If they're ignored or torn down..... they get defensive and tense and uncomfortable... yes?

What if we just KNEW these things.... without caring whether other people believed?

For me.... it's important that people know....

I have integrity.   I can't be bought or moved off a position I believe is right.

I'm fiercly committed to my children (parenting is the hardest job I ever had... esp one that doesn't pay or come with any status/appreciation/instructions.)  

I say what I mean and I mean what I say.... don't assume I exagerate.  I don't.

I'm that loyal retriever in the family.... devoted and usually very hopeful.... spiritual...  peacemaker.  

I play by the rules.... but I can throw a punch.... (and I punch like a man, not a girl.)  

I hate society's rules sexualizing our bodies and making them 'for profit' to the detriment of things I happen to value.  (It pisses me off that people consider breast feeding an intimate act, for example.  They draw parallels between masturbating and feeding infants in public.... like... who the hell knew you could feed an infant with a penis )  

 I digress..... ahem.

I see so clearly that women and children have the same value as men.... it never occurs to me that I might be wrong.  

Do I believe these things and feel secure that they're true, without outside validation?

I had a wonderful day today..... much better bc I'm mindful that these things are true for me me, about me.  And so I have more energy and courage and joy for other things... so far, so good.  

I hope that was the explanation you asked for, Poppy: )

[Poppy Seed]

Lighter,

You are just talking about making up that resume list or the " who I am and why I love that about me" list and then believing it regardless of outside feedback.  Am I close.....?

If so....love the concept.  I wonder what it is that keeps me from doing it.  Must be shame......stupid idiotic shame.  Cuss word!!

[lighter]

Poppy:I'm talking about the things that followed you out of your childhood... those things that define you... to yourself, as valueble and who you are.

Were you valued for something, as a child?  Did you grow to find strength in yourself, despite your FOO... if so... what was that strength and where did it come from?

The things that you would find important for other people to know and believe about you, if you wanted to be accepted and known by them.

These things should be things we know about ourselves, regardless of what outside validation comes our way. 

What things are true about you, on your deepest core level, as a good human being and valuable person?

[cats paw]

  It's easy for me to say I do not steal, it's such a given.  But is that enough to give me contentment, or to help me realize the truths in Ecclesiastes, or practice detachment?  I see what you're saying, lighter, but I think coming up with those core things could be just another exercise in futility for some people.

  What I say next may not be PC in any camp, but if we were created with a God, or Buddha, or Goddess or Spirit shaped hole in our heart, then I do not think we have to worry about idolatry in extreme.  I think we can have moments of wholeness, but as humans we will always be subject to forgetting that we are stardust and we are golden, and we just got to get back to the garden- to paraphrase an old song.

  Cool turn this thread has taken.  What I'm going to do tonight is be grateful that I'm not having to leave my house tonight because of fire, and I'm fortunate enough to be able to be sitting here and typing on this computer.  I'm going to pray my mother makes it a while longer, because that's what she wants (nothing imminent by the way- she's at home now) and so I can take a Christmas dinner of goose over there this December.
  Christmas- Hey how about Thanksgiving?  How many people in CA will not have a home to be in? How many countless others will be suffering, are suffering in this world?

  For tonight, I am going to be very grateful that I can write all of this muddled junk, and that there is someone who might read it.

  For tonight, I am grateful that I can be grateful !

So with that, I'll end.
cats paw

   

[Leah]

Likewise ((( cats Paw )))

Humbling to be so fortunate as to have a roof over our head, food in our tummy and some clothes on our backs, with no threat of our life being swiftly taken from us.

Added to which, in my thoughts today, have been the 500,000 plus who have had to leave their homes behind.

Just a few weeks ago, it happened elsewhere in Europe.

Love

Leah

[lighter]

I think I'll count my blessings too...... snuggle up with my children on this rainy cold evening and be grateful I'm safe and warm in my home.

Goodnight Catspaw.... goodnight Leah, Poppy... Ami.

[Hopalong]

Sometimes one way to deal with not feeling able to love ourselves is to take some of the self-hating statements and flip them:

I am worthless/I am valuable
I am fat/I am living in my body
I am shy/I am comfortable w/o showing off
I am stupid/I think deeply
I am scared/I take risks
I am hopeless/I am a realist

etc.

Hops