Building up.

[Mati]

(As promised)

I recently was on the board in a terrible state, in a crisis in the healing process. Thankfully I got the care and concern I needed to be able to move me on. I don't know if the crisis was a necessary part of the healing, but the pain I felt was unbearable and as I cannot take any medications, was unrelieved. Again, I don't know if this is the reason that it did not last long. I am so thankful now that I have not been able to medicate my pain. I am sure that it has helped me move forward much faster. I can't speak for others here, maybe medication is vital in some cases to save a life, it got to be a very close call for me. I nearly went looking for street drugs. If one is able to get enough support though, I would say that medications are the last resort and coming off them is a good thing, unless there is a risk to life. This will probably not be a popular opinion in the US though. But maybe it will be an encouragement to those who are trying to make their minds up about it.

The first step for me in my building up has been for me to accept my circumstances as being God's will for me. I have been stuck in shock at my marriage breakdown, but I see now that God did not want me in it and delivered me from it. This involved my h ending it which has really been hard for me to take when I did all the compromise and losing of myself in the marriage. I lost my health, my career opportunities (I supported him through late schooling and gave up all hope for myself) and I have probably lost the opportunity of finding someone else because of my health problems. This has caused me great bitterness and a sense of unfairness, and it has not been until I gave this up that progress could be made.

I have also ended up entirely alone, due to my illness. In some cases I broke contact with birth family members. I was stuck in sorrow about this and needed a time to grieve but since last week I am so thankful for being alone. I can now start from scratch in building up my life and I have no abusers in close contact with me. It has been necessary also to break my expectation of help from my church. I have been able to let all of this go and to at last leave everything open to God to bring into my life what he will. I am spending a year in this building up and then will make a move, perhaps to Bible college to make up for the opportunities that were closed to my all of my life due to the effects of childhood abuse and the waste of 39 years with two abusive husbands. But perhaps they were not wasted, I trust that hey were not. So now, at 57 my life has just began. God has brought me a long long way, and I have peace and joy in my heart. Each day is a blessing. Life is a wonderful gift and I am blessed although in dire circumstances with no health or strength. Christ is my all.

I just hope and pray that my testimony can be an encouragement.

Mati

[reallyME]

Mati:

Thank you for starting this new thread.

I think that your going to Bible College is a WONDERFUL idea and I pray you will follow through on it.  Do you have an idea of what college you will attend?  I'd love to hear more about this.

Back in the days when I was very strong in my faith (before abusive situations), I was trained for a week at NEW LIFE BIBLE COLLEGE in Cleveland, TN, under Norvel Hayes' Ministries.  I can honestly say, those were the most sickness-free, pain-free, happiest days of my life! I was walking in nothin but victory and only hanging out with others who were doing the same.  It was like living in a commune of a sort, but hey, it worked and it felt so good!

Now, since I put my faith and beliefs on the back burner for years, I'm struggling to get rebuilt in them myself.  The problem is, my beliefs are soooooooooooo controversial, i know they are not widely-accepted by the people who do not espouse to them, which targets me for persecution online and offline.  I've been hesitant to step back into it all, because of that.

Keep posting, Mat and blessya!

~Laura

[Mati]

Wow thanks Laura for that.

I am in England but have been looking at a college in Northern Ireland having the influence of reconciliation there, although the USA is not out of the question.

I too have very contraversial views so need to be somewhere that is interdenominational. I wonder if they are similar to yours 

[reallyME]

Mati, I wonder if it's ok to discuss our views here.  Maybe we could talk about them privately if not?

If you want to know more about the beliefs I referred to earlier, please browse "Word of Faith"  The names Joyce Meyer, Kenneth Hagin, Kenneth Copeland, also might help.

The thing is, since i came to this board, all ya'll have seen of me, was a bunch of deep hurts and pains and whining about Jodi, Dove, etc...because, when I was with them, I gave up my beliefs in favor of what they believed or wanted me to believe.  Can I blame THEM for that?  Well, let's just say that when a person wants something, they sometimes will do very unhealthy things to get it.  That's what I'd be guilty of.

Now, I'm trying to reclaim that strong person that I was.  I'm also trying to learn a new thing, called Grace.  That's where I'm at.  Finding balance in life.

~Laura

[Mati]

Laura

That's great to hear. Finding balance is a good place to be. I am there too. We willingly give our strength away to the unhealthy as you say, to be with them.

I understand the WoF views but these are not my own beliefs. Mine are concerning sanctification or wholeness and how to achieve it.

Mati

[Ami]

Dear Laura,
  I am a believer as you are. My favorite teacher is Andrew Wommack. I like Sid Roth ,also.
What I wanted to say is that as I empty out all this garbage,I am understanding the Bible much more(in the heart).
  Also,  when I face the truth about my M, I can feel God's presence comforting me. I feel an actual "energy" around me.
 I felt it last night as I faced that my M never cared about me(in a real way). As I faced it,I felt a peace and almost a "'blanketing with love "sensation come over me.
  When  I have to face some really 'horrible "truth, I can,usually, feel that Presence.
  I should really be so healthy  and free of fear ,but I am a 'work in progress(loooong  progress)
  Last night, when I felt that peace, I realized that all I wanted to do was serve Him with my life. It didn't really matter about my H. It didn't really matter if I was loved by my H,I just wanted to be Gods' vessel for His love.
  I am finding that the reason we don't experience God the way that we could is that we simply are too filled up with pain. The pain has to go to make room for Him(IME)
  I am working on facing the pain. This is a must(IMO). It can't be circumvented. We have to know the truth ,first, before we can heal.Then, we can help others.
 Anyway, Put in the compost heap what does not fit for you.               Love  Ami

[Ami]

Dear Mati,
  I am so glad that you are finding your "core" of who you are in God . Mati-- you will have so much wisdom and experience to share with hurting people after you have your healing( which you are having,now)
  Mati, your voice lifts me up from this crazy world and my crazy life with N's" behind every bush".
  You are turning your life over to God and asking Him to rebuild you.
  Please keep posting .I miss you and worry when I don't hear from you.
  You have a voice that uplifts, Mati. I am so glad that you shared your story of pain and renewal. I needed to hear it                     Love Ami

 

[Mati]

Thanks Ami

Your encouragement means so much to me. Yes it is true, I am waiting for God to build me up, and there is a big space there just waiting, a space that was filled with pain before. I am not in pain anymore. Maybe it is just a break and I will have some more memories come up I don't know. Maybe this is it  and I am healed! I do believe in absolute healing of the soul. Whatever, it is not my life any more so I won't worry about the details. If we trust Him He will bring us through it all.

Mati

[Ami]

Dear Mati,
  I think that you are expressing the Scripture,"When you lose your life FOR MY SAKE, you GAIN it(paraphrase).
 I am experiencing this Scripture ,right now. I just "understood' what it meant one day as I was riding the exercise bike.
  The understanding of it changed my life. I was holding so tightly to this life. I was so afraid of not getting my needs met. When I "got " this Scripture,I had a shift.
   I saw my Life as 'His life. I was not 'my own".
   It is hard  to explain,but  it was a pivotal moment for me. It sounds like this is what you are experiencing.
 Keep Sharing  ,Mati.                             Love   Ami

[Mati]

Yes exactly Ami

This is what I am going through too. And I have seen that we have a choice here - we can get by with the skin of our teeth or we can be all out for everything He wants us to be (and the shades in between) it really is up to us. I think that maybe it is harder to give up things that we never had, and still yearn for, for me it is human love and to be in a close loving family. But the rewards are greater the more we give up. It says in Job that the things we lose are given back to us. Wow what a thought!  I am building up my new family now 

love
Mati

[Ami]

It is hard for me to "give up" the desire to have a man to love me in a" true "way-- not an N way. I think that I am seeing that my  H loves me in an N way. I am still a "work in progress" with this one. However,it ain't looking good.
    I WANT a loving H like some people have ..I want a man  who has my "back". I want a M who has my back. HOWEVER,I don't have them . I probably won't. I think that I CAN accept this and live( and thrive) if I do have God.
 I think that this is what you are saying, Mati ,if I understand you correctly .                         Ami

[Mati]

Hi Ami

Yes. It is acceptance of what we have been given in this life as best for us I think instead of fighting it. Submitting our will to the Fathers because He has paid a great price for us and it is up to Him what He brings into our lives though not saying that He causes abuse, He does not sin, it is the enemy who brings the evil in but He does not stop it. If we give up all to Him in this way with no conditions then we have pleased His heart and put Him first and He can work all things to our good.

love
Mati

[Ami]

WELL SAID, MY Friend                                 Love   Ami