Selfishness

[Lupita]

Hi Grat, I do not feel guilty, I feel afraid that if I take care of my self nobody will like me anymore or be abandoned. I am abandoned anyway.

[Ami]

Right now I am in the midst of a phase of increased selfishness.  I'm not giving to charity and I am even trying to think about whether or not I like people instead of only whether or not people like me (lol!)]



Dear Iphi,
  i think that the quote above is a HUGE step.It is life changing.You are seeing yourself as the 'chooser"-- not the victim waiting to see "who" will chose you.
   It is a life "shift" as I see it.
 The Christmas presents are also a "HUGE" shift.You are giving what you feel is "right" not what is expected. Again,it is taking back your power. These are very big steps.(IMO)
  How did you get there? Was it very hard? Was it 'easy(once you made up your mind).?"Did someone help you or did you come to them on your own?
                                                                                                 Love   Ami
 

[Lupita]

Thanking again, it is not that we lost our power. We never had power. We never had it. Since the day we were born we were deprived of almost everything. We were only given food and clothing. We were never given aproval or any kind of security. Any type of comfort was taken away at all costs. Our mothers seeked that other people disliked us so we were totally isolated. And we were punished if we liked somebody. There is no way we could have any power. Never ever.

[Ami]

Dear Lupita,
 I am very distressed by your post b/c you have a good point. Your M stripped you of so much. I was trying to think about how to answer.
   The only thing that I could think of was  for you to remember back when you felt dignity and self respect in your life. THIS is having your own power. Today, when you "answered" back to the lady in the office,you had your owm power and dignity.
  I really am so ,terribly sorry about how your M stripped you of the simple things that kids take for granted like basic dignity.
  Lupita, you are suffering more than many of us on here b/c you suffered worse and your "personhood" was assaulted more.
   It will simply take more time(and effort) for you to undo the damage.
   You have "earned" every pain and bad feeling that you have.
    I so hope that you will go inch by inch to find the true you who was thrown aside by a horribly, sick M.         Love   Ami

[Lupita]

also, about boundaries, we did not even know that they existed. If we tried to built the most minimal boundary we would be severely punished. That is why we allow people to walk all over us.

[Ami]

Dear Lupita,
  You are right in everything that you say. You have so ,so so,many old tapes to erase. My heart really goes out to you. It really does.
  I think that you are making slow,but steady progress,
    Any little change that you make has to be celebrated.Don't you feel that you are making progress?                   Ami

[Iphi]

I agree Lupita you are accurate like a laser beam.  ANd I agree w/ Ami that you have suffered severely and yet you clearly have shown so much perseverance power.  Anyone with an MD has proven themselves rugged and determined and focused imo.

 In my case my dad trashed my intellectual power - he made me a clown, a fool, a girl but, like, a silly girl, toy, servant, object.  I'm really just as messed up as ever, about that.   


With regard to Ami's earlier question to me - how did I get into this phase of 'selfishness?'  Crisis with work and friends - the unrestrained giving - disaster for me - friends who used me and did not at all respect me - so blatant it's shameful, exhausting myself for a job that is always about others and offers no advancement at all, seeing how I was giving everything away and abasing myself even when it wasn't pressured out of me - just all the time.  Then I kept having these dreams where there would be a wonderful buffet but I was being kept from eating like others, or would have to put down my plate, or the chef would make special things for me but they would be stolen or I would feel compelled to give them away - lol - hint hint from the subconscious.

I have not solved these issues, but I felt I needed to do things differently to even begin to address the problems.  I do want to contribute to charity and do service in the future, but I really need to gain some clarity first.  I need to learn how to stop people from using me, but also how to actually follow my own interests and advance them. I am starting from absolute SCRATCH.  I didn't even know how to say what my interests were/are much less follow and advance them.  So pathetic.

But got to start somewhere.

[Lupita]

I cannot even give an opinion of anything general, unless it is something specific that I am very familiar with. I blanq out anytime somebody asks me what do I think. I thought I was to blame because of my selfabsortion, but it is not that, my brain is blank, I was prevented to have an opinion on anything since I was a child. Totally voiceless. I did not exist.

[lighter]

I don't think it's that you have no opinion, I just think you determined, a long time ago, that it was safer to just be silent and not draw wrath or punishment for speaking.

With all the criticism, it's no wonder you stopped practicing sharing your opinions.

Now you have to practice sharing again.

Being mindful of what you DO think.

How you would share it if you were asked or wanted to?  Practice paying attention to your opinions.

The day will come when you can do this again, freely and without having to be mindful, IMO.

It's just a long hard journey and it takes a while to unlearn things while replacing them with new things.

It's difficult.  It's not easy.  That's why we're here.

[Overcomer]

I am getting over the guilt.  I actually bought myself a $400 Coach purse.  I love that purse.  Oh I have had some feelings of regret and my daughter told me if I can before that then I con get her whatever her whim is this week.  SHE feels entitled to this kind of stuff.  She is Alot like my mom in this way and she worries me a bit. 

[Hopalong]

I have a pretty simple thought that unless things are threadbare, I don't get new stuff unless I'm out of debt. I am Scotch and frugal, but don't feel deprived. It's easier because I resent fashion rather than enjoy it. I love beautiful fabrics and clothes but hate the tyranny of whether something's In or Out.

I am ecstatic over good consignment stores. Seems the best way to Recycle!

What I'd spend money on if I had any to spare would be art and home decorating. All Green, Sustainable. That's more or less an obsession...

It's soul-feeding fun for me. At least in fantasy.

xo
Hops