The saga of my life, continued from yesterday

[gratitude28]

Tay,
I absolutely vote for renting the truck, taking everything (and leaving M with friends or neighbors while you do it). Then you can be done with it and her. There will be no more stress for you and no reason for her to contact you.
You have made such great strides these past few weeks!!! You are sounding so much stronger and clearer. I think you will feel better the more you distance yourself from her and the games. M will settle down, too, when he doesn't have to try to figure out how to play the game between you two. It's a child's nature to try to manipulate- it is not a bad thing - it is survival. But having a steady environment will help both of you. When he knows that YOU are the guardian and the one to trust and look up to, he will be calmer and happier. He needs limits, and I am guessing at this point he doesn't know what those are for him.
(((((((Tay))))))
Love, Beth

[tayana]

Lighter, thanks.  I sometimes wonder how I get up in the morning, and I look back and think, how did I ever live that way?

I know it's a ruse.  I know it's an excuse to get me out there, alone, so she can rail and rage at me.  I don't want that.

How about I just have a bonfire?  And set it all on fire?

Beth, do you know M hasn't been much of a problem, other than the hand incident, lately?  He's been doing his homework without much fuss.  He's taking care of his rat, er hamster.  He's been helping when I ask.  I'm stunned.  He hasn't said a word about seeing grandma or talking to her.  The most I heard was that he wanted to go get some stuff.  He doesn't talk about his feelings much, no matter how hard I try.  My mother said the last time she saw him, that he seems stressed all the time.  I was watching him last night thinking, "I don't think he's ever seemed so normal."  He doesn't seem stressed at all, maybe a little, over the school stuff, but other than that, not really.

[lighter]

Maybe you could post a list for M to add to..... things he really misses.  Things you will retrieve.  You can refer to the list and think/talk about what space will need to be cleared to receive them.  Make editing decisions about what needs to go in order to make room, if anything. 

Make a list for yourself, as well.  Maybe you get just those things..... while babbling somewhat coherently about something your mother would be speechless about? 

I really hate to think of you being verybally knocked about for any length of timel.  It costs so much.... for so long. 

Nice you can see concrete changes in M during this break. 

I think it'll help you continue to make decisions with clarity and less stress and doubt. 

Confusion and guilt suck. 

M flourishing.....

is a good thing: )

[gratitude28]

How sweet to hear, Tayana. Now that you are together without M's influence, you will be able to build so much more together. As for the hamster... that is great for him to have responsibility and someone to love. My daughter has taken over all the guinea pig duties and I am very proud of her and she is very proud of herself. My son has the dog duties (and doodies). When we were little, my parents bought us all kinds of animals. I was not responsible (had never learned to be) and I remember one day looking into the lizard's cage and realizing he was on the verge of starving to death. I still have nightmares about it. I dream there is a room of starving and dirty animals and I cannot get to them. It is no fun to have a pets when there are so many (we had a house full) and you have not learned to care for them. Gosh - what a memory your post provoked. Sorry - I didn't realize how scary that was for me.

[tayana]

Oh Beth, I'm so sorry that was a trigger for you.  I never took care of my pets growing up either.  I had cats, but they were never in the house.  I did take care of the dog my mother got for me, and then he became her dog.  Then I heard how she had to take care of it, but she forgot that I'd been the one to train him.  I'd been the one brushing and grooming him.  I walked him.  He just slept on the bed with her.

Lighter, I"ve been going to do something like that.  Make a list of the stuff I really want and make an effort to get it.  usually when I go out there, I'm so tired and drained that I don't feel like loaded up the car, and I really don't feel like unloading it when I get home.  Any time spent out there means enduring her verbal abuse.  One time I went out there and she was actually pretty pleasant, I was even enjoying myself.  I took the dog out and was going to say something about some silly thing he'd done.  When I came back in she just unloaded on me about this pair of shoes she bought for M that he hasn't been wearing, and after that she started in about drawing names at Christmas, even though we'd already decided not to do that.  It's kind of silly to draw names between five people.  For about ten minutes it went on, and after that I decided it was time to go.  I just loaded up the car and said good bye.  I couldn't handle anymore, and then I went home and tried to lie down for a little bit, but she kept calling me.  It was like I couldn't get away no matter what I tried.  Just awful.  That's the way any visit goes.  Although I took M to a carnival at the church, and she was so sweet and pleasant it was unreal.  She was just so pleased that I'd taken him to this church event.

[lighter]

Heavens.... I get the feeling she's like a spider sitting on your stuff.... waiting for you to come near.... so she can pounce

Part of me keeps wishing to see you post that M stopped talking about his stuff... you no longer miss anything and she can have it all, good riddance.

So unfair that they're so awful one should be driven to the limits of giving up property and rights just for some peace, huh?

But.... they'll never give you peace, no matter what you do. 

It makes me dizzy when I really focus on what's inside of them. 

The forces that drive them......

truly...

very dizzy. 

I remember when I thought I was strong enough to take on anything... thought I could win too.

After losing my share of battles.... I know the difference between a battle.....

 and a lost cause. 


I'll save my energy for the battles, if I can; )

[gratitude28]

Tay,
I am grateful you brought back that memory because it has been haunting me for a long time. I needed to face it and say it out loud.
Your mom was probably happy about the church event since she feels it makes her look good. My mother called to thank me for going to my uncle's wake. She didn't go because they were on vacation and she said she wanted to go home (they were in the area). I told her I couldn't understand why she was thanking me since I didn't go for her - I went for me so that I could see my uncle and say good bye. I also enjoyed seeing all of my relatives I haven't seen in a long time. She thought I was doing her a favor by taking her place and making her look good. It pissed me off.
Love, Beth

[cats paw]

Hi Tayana,

  Doesn't it just figure she would read it as Godless Bless rather than Goddess, even if it wasn't Celtic script.  Was your Wiccan practice solitary?  I vote for the truck, too.  Pehaps invoke some protection for yourself by visualizing yourself as covered with sacred oil thus totally unable to be caught by any webs.  Keep going, we're pulling for you.

Beth,

  Oh, BLEH as Ami would say.  That funeral thing is so my mother- I've had similar circumstances.

cats paw

   

[gratitude28]

Thanks ((((((cat))))))))))))
Nice to have you around Missed you.
Love, Beth

[tayana]

Lighter, that's sort of how I look at her, as a big, bloated spider waiting for me to step into her trap.  I am almost to the point of saying, she can have it all.  I don't want it.  I'll just go buy us each a new winter coat, and she can keep all the rest of the crap.  I just don't want to see her, especially after what I heard she pulled tonight.

Beth, I'm glad remembering that was helpful.  And you're right, she likes it when I do things like that because it makes her look good.  I won an item at the church's silent auction, a floral arrangement, not a big deal.  I'd made arrangements to pick it up and before I went M and I were going to drive out and see how to get to camp.  I ended up getting lost, so I called her to let her know we'd be there but later than I though.  I asked if she could just go out to the church and pick up my item and I'd pay her later.  She was only ten minutes away.  I was in the middle of nowhere.  She made a big deal out of it and told me she couldn't go because her hair wasn't done and she'd have to change clothes.  She wasn't going to get all dressed up just to go out there.  I finally got back to civilization, and i decided I was just going to go get the thing myself.  I didn't want to go through all of the trouble of trying to make other arrangements.  It would have been so much easier if she would have just gone out there for me.  Then she got made because I was late.

I'm not at all surprised by your funeral story.  That's something my mom would do.

Cat, I was a solitary practitioner.  I developed my own rituals and everything.  One of the reasons my roommate and I got along so well was because we had these secrets from our parents.  She hadn't come out to her parents, and I never told mine that I was a witch.  I've let my practice lapse though.  I spent a lot of time at my parents' house doing things to make it feel like a safe place.  I haven't done that here, maybe I should.  Hmm.  I'll have to think about that.  I like your idea about the sacred oil.  That's a great image.

[lighter]

::happily picturing tay cleansing her apt with burning sage::

Sacred space, tay.

I think that's a wonderful idea: )

[Ami]

Dear Tayana,
  I always thought of my M as a "spider' too. I think that the N mother has "spider like' qualities.       Ami

[tayana]

LIghter, I think it's a wonderful idea too.  I might have to do it this weekend.