A great sorting

[Poppy Seed]

It only just occurred to me what I think is happening inside my heart and head.  I think it is a great sorting effort.  Trying to decide what things in myself I want to live with and the things I really don't.  I find myself stuck in an unhealthy behavior....and watch myself continue to repeat it or go back to it after a long break.  I find now that I am challenging my thinking and then trying to chuck the stuff that doesn't fit with the healthier goals I have for myself.  I have been trying, as you know, to work on shame and caretaking and then to replace them with detachment, creativity, and self-love.   I am amazed at the volume of choices I see before me.  Feels sometimes like trying on different clothes and hairstyles and seeing which ones feel like "me".   I feel the weight of finding what fits.....and the impatience.   It feels like I am trying so hard to fulfill the responsibility I have to myself -- to create my own safety, happiness, and expression on the world.
As I am moving through this process, I am experiencing many different emotions.  I sometimes don't recognize myself.  I think that scares me a bit.  I think staying in old unhealthiness scares me worse, so I keep walking into the dark.  Sometimes I feel like I don't want to loose parts of myself but that I may have to -- even for a short time -- while I discover the undeveloped or untried parts of the "new" self I am trying to create.

Sometimes I feel lost in the process.  I think it is the "aloneness" of it.  Very few understand the difficulty of traveling the untraveled road.  The bravery that it takes to let go of the known (even though the known is killing me)......and move into the possibilities that perhaps may include rejection and failure.  I am trying to fight that fear and move forward anyway.  My T says one of the goals of therapy is "truth at all costs."  I think sometimes I want the truth so badly...but am not always prepared for the "all costs"  part.  I feel the battle inside as I become more and more committed to this end and more aware of what that may mean in terms of my relationships and my current situations.  I battle because I don't want to lose people.  I see that I may have to and that really hurts.  It makes me afraid that I am being too judgemental.  That maybe I didn't exhaust every view in order to find mutually beneficial circumstances.  I also realize that I have no control outside of myself and can't predict what another may do.  I get tired of waiting and tired of compromising my own safety and refuse to go against myself to make another comfortable.  This is a big lesson for me.  I have so easily given away things I never should have offered or what never should have been required to give in order to find love.  I feel like I stumble through the process of knowing what to offer others in relationships and what to keep sacred.  Degrees and layers.....it is very confusing.  I suppose I am in the remedial course as I learn from the ground up.

Sometimes it feels like I am on an archaeological mission to recover parts of myself that were lost in passage of storm and time.  Other times, I feel like I am trying to tap into my potential and develop the parts of me that never flowered.  I am sorting in both realms.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the task.....the difficulty and loneliness of the journey.  I feel so small and my rooms are so full of files and operating procedures.  Sometimes I just throw the whole thing out cause none of it really worked to begin with.

Sometimes I feel the exhilaration of seeing the view from the higher plateaus -- loving myself... and  the sweetness I feel when I am patient with the journey... and drinking in how good that feels! ( in spite of the temptation to dwell on those who don't.)

Sometimes I feel so grateful for the trial.....for the circumstances that forced me to face the pain and to attempt to let go of the knowns in order to find something kinder and better and easier.

Sometimes my desire is almost consuming....wanting to badly to "get there".  For the sorting to be over.   

Sometimes it feels like I have actually cleared the room....so to speak.  But then I don't know what to do with the empty room!  I want the furniture and the perfect decorating to show itself to me and be delivered today!!  And then I realize that I have more choices ahead of me.....and I vacillate between being so excited and free in the expression of it....and the fear of failure or looking like a complete and total reject!!   And even as I type that....I feel my own stupidity.  I should be grateful that the room is empty!!  I should embrace the freedom of making my life into something beautiful....even if it is my own kind of beautiful!..


Forgive my ramblings.....sometimes I find it so difficult to get my feelings out.  This is another attempt and sorting I suppose.....

Poppy

[Ami]

Dear Poppy,
  I understand.. The only answer is "Come out from the darkness in to the light" --- whatever the cost( this is the "bite"-----huh?
  I am sorry for the pain,but you are looking in the right direction. You will find the answers if you follow the light(truth).
  I am sorry that it hurts so badly( and it does)                   Love   Ami
((((((((((((((((Poppy( with a little lamp)))))))))))))))))))

[tayana]

Poppy,

I understand completely.  I know exactly what you mean about being overwhelmed, but we have to keep going, keep sorting, or we'll always be stuck in these old and unhealthy patterns.  If we want them to change, we have to change them, and we just have to keep moving on.

((((((Poppy)))))))))

[lighter]

Seeing the choices is an exciting experience.... better than being trapped in a room full of familiar choices that don't work, eh?

I really identify with this post, right now.

Keep airing out the clutter and identifying better ways...... it helps me too.

[Poppy Seed]

Sometimes I wonder what holds me back from embracing the excitement of the possibilities. I suppose it is fear.  I was watching an Oprah the other day and they said that fear was the #1 reason people didn't really live their best lives.  I don't want that to be me.

[axa]

Poppy,

What a wonderful and uplifting post.  I am so on that journey with you.  I look in the mirror somedays and so are YOU.  I have made a lot of progress and then feel so unsure about everything that the madness seems attractive but not for long.  I have value on myself now and understand that I am worthy.  I have not known this, I am worthy and deserving of respect.  I may never have another relationship with a man but I will have myself and that is good.  I observe myself in my new self and like her, she does slip at times but mostly she is focused and respectful of herself and know what Poppy, I like her.

I am so cheering for you on this journey.  Lets battle the shame and rise above it to new heights,

love and admiration,
axa

[Poppy Seed]

I am thinking today how powerful the self observation tool is.  To stand back and look objectively at ones life and to have the courage to see what works and what doesn't.  And then the greater courage to change it!  To not be so worried about looking wrong or feeling the shame of making mistakes.  Objectivity seems to be my best friend. 

I am finding that taking myself out of my experiences and viewing them as a landscape helps me a lot.  I can see what is working too.  And what things I want to keep and nurture.  Feels more like meeting my needs rather than destroying myself to meet some expectation of perfection.

I am also really looking forward to the new planting season!!  I am trying a few new things.  I was just asked to be a Webelos Scout leader (never done that before!)  and I will get to be involved more directly with my son and his progress in scouting.

I also decided on a career path.....something I want to accomplish in the next couple of years.  I will probably need to take some contiuing education classes.  But I have finally made up my mind on what I want to do when all my kids are in school and I have a little more free time.  This will also be a huge creative outlet.  Which I desperately need.

And I also started with my scrapbooking and painting again.  I am working on organizing my office so that I will be more functional for these activities.

Feels so good to work on things other than pain!!!!!!!!!!!!  I don't know why I haven't found that easier.  It is puzzling to me how hard it is for me to do these things......things that used to come so naturally.  Oh well.  It is time to bring them back and I am feeling more courage to do so.


Poppy

[Hopalong]

Hi (((((((((Poppy))))))), what a beautiful thing you wrote.

I was thinking how when I was little, on summer nights, one thing was discovering that being outside in the dark was wonderful. A little scary, no kidding. But gradually, as my eyes got used to it, I would realize there were amazing night fragrances, and sounds, and birds who just wouldn't go to bed, and the headlights of passing cars made beautiful patterns against the hedge. I would detach from the group and just breathe in the sweet, sheltering dark. The stars were wonderful.

Don't be afraid. Know that most of what's unknown in the dark isn't dangerous. When you bump into something, ask it to lead you. If it hisses or growls, just go the other way...

There is room for you.

love
Hops

[Poppy Seed]

Thanks guys!!  I am determined to learn and grow and shine.  Fight the fear and do it anyway!  That is what I used to say back in my college days!

Thanks Hops. 
I think I know there is room for me.  Not sure it won't be another version of loneliness yet, but I am trying with all my soul to hope that my new expression will attract the appreciation and company of some friendly souls.  I am done with people who can't give anything or recieve what I have to give.

Axa, 
Thank you for your warmth!  I needed that today.

Tayana,  It really does feel good to change!! I have been groping for the change.  When I embarked on this journey, I am afraid I wasn't prepared for what would come.  But, I finally feel the traction.

[Bella_French]

Dear Poppyseed,

Somehow I only just discovered your wonderful post; thank you so much for sharing those thoughts here, with us. Like the others, I totally relate:) It was just nice to see you put it all into words, and so eloquently:)

Thank you!

X bella

[Cadbury]

Your post really resonates with me Poppy - you seem to describe so much of what I am feeling. That endless search for the good inside ourselves that we have lost somewhere.... it is so so hard and yet it will be so worthwhile in the end. My T says that if I am expecting it to be easy then I will struggle all the more. He said that changing yourself is the hardest thing, but that if you truly, deeply want that change then it can happen.

Keep doing all the good things you are doing and take everything a small step at a time. I know I am like you in that I want it all now, but  reading your post has helped me to see my own journey that little bit clearer too.

Thank you

[Poppy Seed]

Thanks for the encouragement and validation, everyone!  Sometimes I feel like the flower pot from the movie ET.  The flowers are wilting and no one notices and then when the right things are given the flower blossoms!

Much love,
Poppy