Tayana, I understand... she does sound over the edge. The people who have to deal with her more closely may try to encourage you to smooth things over, but you know that you are not the problem. Just hang on to that truth.
I know there's a need in me to be very specific at this point in my life, to not allow
some vague, generalized sensation (especially guilt!) to arbitrarily rule a single additional moment of my life. It's too short, you know?
To me, it's about making that conscious decision to refuse to allow feeling to rule.
That part of it is all tied in to my faith. You know that bit about having faith of a grain of mustard seed
and moving mountains? Well, I think that I used to live as though faith meant denying the mountain was even there...
and that absolutely doesn't work. So I know what you mean about this being so freeing!
Takes an awful lot of energy to avoid seeing that mountain. Now that it's in clear view, we can load up our little burros
and make progress!
You have identified your own feelings and motivations and seen them clearly, as they really are,
in stark contrast to the projections your mother tried to attribute to you. That is wonderful, Tayana... that's what I think
we need to do every step of the way, to shut off those old tapes in our heads. Especially when those accusations and condemnations
are pre-verbal, I think it's crucial to seek out and name our own feelings consciously... and reject anything that doesn't line up
with what we know is important to us. Along the way, in doing this, I'm still finding more *stuff* that really doesn't belong to me... leftovers from
mother, ex-husbands, N's, etc, etc... sheesh, I have been a sponge.
It's all that old stuff which gets in the way of relaxing... so whatever it takes, even if that means making relaxation a chore - putting it on that to-do list
ahead of all but the most essential tasks. For years, I couldn't even sit down in my own home, because if I wasn't "doing" or "producing", my skin would crawl.
It's a habit which must be broken with force, but practice makes it easier... today I watched a movie - alone - (Peaceful Warrior) - and colored a picture.
With crayons. In a coloring book I bought yesterday. For myself. lol. Maybe I'll post an article I read about coloring for adults, which inspired all this... lol.
Anyhow, I'm so glad you diverted here... it's all good. As far as doing things together... my mother never played board games, or colored, or engaged with me in any activity just for fun. Ever.
If it wasn't about her attempts to mold me into whatever vision she had, it didn't happen.
I figure she didn't have the imagination for anything else... but that's her, not me.
Life is about the journey, not the destination... or else it has no substance.
I believe that God gives us every good and perfect gift and the wisdom to live it abundantly... if we will have eyes to see and ears to hear.
These lessons are difficult, but learning is too good and necessary and healthy to be made miserable by it. That keeps me going.
Love and hugs to you,
Carolyn
P.S. About relaxing... it helps prime me to do something really physical each day - running, mowing the lawn, just getting in some strong exertion -
and then I'm more in the mood to sit and relax. It's all in the balance... and seriously,
put it on your "things I must do today" list and make it happen... in 30 days, you'll have created a new habit
