Do you all tell me to keep sharing because you think I haven't shared enough? Cause it feels like I have posting like a mad woman. Am I not being honest or fearless enough????? Maybe I am not sharing details from my childhood. I know I haven't done that and I am not sure I will. But I do share feelings that I know have been there and I do share my weakness and strugglings and blindness. Could you clarify what exactly you think I am missing?
Pops, I don't think we can find that ideal self-love, because we aren't perfect. We aren't going to love ourselves all the time. There are going to be times when we feel low, feel pitiful, unlovable, and worthless. That's human. In our situations, we've been made to feel this way more often than we should. It's very different when you are told or treated as worthless almost all the time. You learn to crave those rare moments when your N said or did something almost nice. My mom would do that. She would do things when she got to feeling guilty and I would think things were going to change, but they never did. They might for a few days, but then it was back to the same pattern, the same feeling of being worthless.
I think you are doing wonderfully. It's hard work, isn't it? It's very hard to be able to look at ourselves honestly and carefully and say, "hey, I have all of these good qualities, why did no one ever notice my good qualities." My T made me make a list of things I liked about myself and things I didn't like. The didn't like list was much longer than the other, but I did have some on the like list. And we talked about those things on the other list, how many of them weren't true. Namely that I wasn't selfish, cold and unpassionate. Those were the top two things on the list. I think it's a valuable exercise. I didn't like it. I hated it in fact, but I have to admit, when I was forced to look at that list of negatives, really look at it honestly, many of those things weren't negatives at all. One of them was that I give in too easily to M. I don't discipline enough. I've been thinking about that concept of discipline, thinking about what that really means. It's not about punishment. It's not about getting in trouble. It's about training our minds and bodies to do what they need to do, that's the sort of discipline M needs, and he's not going to get that by taking away TV privileges for not cleaning his room. When I think about all of the punishments I remember as a child, I remember being spanked for things that were very trivial. I remember being slapped for not organizing my closet properly. I remember enduring days of the silent treatment for voicing my frustrations in a private diary. I never had privacy. I was always afraid of messing up. If this is the sort of discipline that I need to teach my child, then I want no part of it. I despised it growing up, and I don't think M should grow up that way. So, even though that was on my list of negatives, it's slowly moving onto the other side with the positives, "I'm trying to teach M a better way, so even though I get angry when he doesn't cooperate, it's mental discipline that I want to foster, not the sort that makes him afraid of me."
Does that make sense?
I don't think you have to share details from your childhood here. I think you just have to accept the truths of your past and move on into a healthier present. In a way, those of us with N parents are trapped by our pasts. We're trying to please people who can never be happy, will never be happy with us. Nothing we do will change that. We can make all the sacrifices we want, but it's not going to change the fact that our Ns are just going to take that sacrifice for granted and ask for more.
I think you are doing an excellent job. You are moving forward. You are doing good things. Fill your life with friends who are positive and with positive things. Cherish the little things, the sweet moments, and the times when you feel really good. I don't feel as good today as I did yesterday, but I can feel better tomorrow.
The last chapter I read in my book was about letting go of the past. I highlighted some of the statements, but here are a few that I remember and some that I added.
They all start with just because . . .
Just because you are my parents, doesn't mean that I have to please you, give up my life for you, do what you say, or make you happy now that I'm an adult. You are responsible for your feelings, not me.
Just because I feel down today, doesn't meant that I won't feel down tomorrow.
Just because you are my child doesn't mean that I have to live through you, sacrifice myself for you, and do everything for you.
Just because you are my boss doesn't mean that I have to do all the work you don't like, just because you don't want to do it. I am capable of saying that I am unchallenged and want a change of work, and if you won't give it to me, then I can work elsewhere.
Just because my childhood was unhappy, doesn't mean my son's childhood has to be the same.
Just because my parents never took the time to play doesn't mean that I have to do the same.
Just because my family never learned to manage or save money doesn't meant that I have to continue the legacy.
Just because my parents say that my life is ruined, doesn't mean it's true.
Try this exercsie, Pops. It's really freeing. Just think about tall those things you want to change and write them down. Write them down and look at them everyday. Eventually, you'll start believing them.
