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Returned mother's day card

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Portia:
Hiya Michelle, wow, good on ya! But you said later:

--- Quote ---I have to admit I feel embarrassed and very childish and immature.
--- End quote ---
That’s okay to feel like that. It’s good to feel, and be, childish at some point in our lives isn’t it? There’s nothing wrong with being childish for us, in fact we probably have to do it, go through childhood again, I think. But as thinking, considering, learning adults. Give yourself permission to be childish sometimes? It’s amazing how seemingly small things – like a good rage – can have such huge effects on us. Change us for the better. Wondrous!

Bunny said:

--- Quote ---With practice, feelings of rage will only last a short time and you'll de-escalate pretty rapidly.
--- End quote ---

I think I’m finding this to be true. But 'with practice' taken as meaning naturally, over time, not as a deliberate effort as it were. A year ago I was raging and raging. Really angry, for hours, overnight, through the next day. It took some specific ‘eye-opening’ events to cause that rage (like the letter you received perhaps). And then one event just blew me over the top – sort of shocked me out of rage into seeing mother as an outsider might. And then another event soon after shocked me into realising there’s nothing I can do about her, only about me. I still raged but the rages didn’t last so long and now – rage has been almost replaced by disbelief, wonder at the things she says, does, amazement and sure, some anger, but not much. I can say somehow it feels as though I don’t take it so personally any more. It’s like she’s really not doing it to me, she’s doing it to herself. Lots of shaking head emoticons.

What happens with our anger? For me it all has to come out. And it has, over a year (or more). Loads of it! In journaling, here on the board (straight at some other members sometimes!  :oops: Sorry…), and also through finding that ‘voice’. And I cried the anger out, just let it run its course until I become fed up with raging, too tired for it. It’s okay, you can get rid of it however you want to, there are no right or wrong ways so long as they help you and don’t harm anyone else. And if you can, try to trust your own instincts sometimes too.

It’s great to see you angry Michelle. I mean that, I really do, it can only get better now!  :D P

PS Cathy, ain’t that so, so true, about humour.
PPS Michelle, she dragged her children – you - along on her affairs?????!!!!!?????

Michelle:
A weird thing happened to me for the first time this morning.  I don't know how significant it is, or if it is significant at all, but I will share it.  Usually after I "hurt" my mother, the past pattern is that I wake up the day after feeling like shit.  I take a shower, my guilt gets to me and I end up calling or writing that day apologizing (although I have never figured out exactly what I am apologizing for.....I guess for being the "bad" kid that she says I am).  I guess it has always felt like it made things better b/c my world with my mother was at peace again.  My counselor said in the last session that I have always been a "good little girl" and still am.  She explained that that is part of the reason why she thinks I am having such a hard time breaking that hold that my mother has on me.  She likened it to a child that has been offered a soggy potato chip.  The child's thinking would probably be:  "Well, better a soggy potato chip than none at all".  I guess in my mind I think "Well, better a nutso mother than none at all".  That seems so so so messed up to me but I know it is true.  I have gotten to the point now that I don't want it to be true anymore.  I don't want to play this messed up game anymore.  I am tired of being hurt and controlled by her.  

It was this morning that the significant thing happened.  I went to bed last night kind of worrying about the post yesterday where I wrote that note to my mother.  I kept thinking about it floating out here for everyone to read at anytime and thinking "what a horrible person....you don't love your mother?  You must be a rotten kid".  Then I realized it.  I have never come face to face with this before.  Oh my god!!!!!!!!!  That is my mother saying that to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  All those bad things that I hear in my head about myself are her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I have just felt them for so long that they feel like I am saying it to myself or that it is in "reality" what someone is feeling about me.  NOT SO!!!!!!  She has trained me for so long that it is her nasty, condescending, negative voice in my head!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  And I have to add.....this morning I feel like a butterfly coming out of a cramped, moldy cocoon.  I feel like I have found a nugget of gold in a goldmine.  I guess now I have to figure out how to "retrain" my brain to think good things about me instead of what she has made me believe all these years.  

THAT IS INVIGORATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I don't have to feel bad for my feelings.  I don't have to offer an excuse or justify my letter to her.  IT IS VALID for me to feel this way about her.  Wow.  I feel like my first shackle has been broken.  wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!  I am excited about my journey for the first time since I started goin g to therapy.  


Ishana -

--- Quote ---And, no one will rescue you from your anger and pain...except yourself. Which you are doing...and I applaud you! I think your process, as hard as it is, is necessary. Keep up the good work.
--- End quote ---


Thanks so much for saying that.  I have just begun to realize that it is my job to save myself.  That has been a hard one for me.  It is also get my "process" confirmed by everyone.  This is all so new to me.  Scary, but liberating at the same time in a strange way.


Bunny -
Thanks for the view of what's to come.....about the rage only lasting a short time and de-escalating.  That is good to know.  I was hoping that this wouldn't last forever.  It is exhausting.  I woke up today tired from being so PO'd yesterday!   :lol:


Dawning -
I went back and read your other post that you talked about.  It offered lots of insight.  Thanks for mentioning that.  It makes me sick to realize that my mother is truly this way.  I think that has been a little of the problem....I've always made excuses for her.  I've always given her the benefit of the doubt....."well she had such a rough childhood...what do you expect"  or "she has it rough with the 3 of us kids...we're so hard to take care of".  Boy, I just realized again - THAT IS HER VOICE, NOT MINE!  oh my god........whew.  Thanks for the ideas on "therapies".  that's a great idea.  I have already started thinking of a few of my own.  I love the kick boxing idea.  I have a great picture of my mom's face closeup that I could blow up and paste and WHAMMMMMMMMMM boot right to the old teeth.  ha ha.


Cathy-

--- Quote ---I think your mum will regret sending you that letter for one very important reason. Ns can't help letting out information about their world view, because it is all that they have, and every time they put pen to paper they betray the intensity of their own feelings, which are nothing to do with love, and everything to do with a kind of vampirism.
--- End quote ---

Wow!  I never thought about it that way.  She does have a hard time keeping information in....I always have to hear about her latest trip to wal-mart, or how she had a horrible boil on her foot, or blah blah blah.  get a life!  And vampirism?  Hmmmmmm....I'll have to ponder on that one.  That's a great analogy.  Thanks Cathy.

--- Quote ---She is like a great big spider at the middle of a web, and my brothers and myself and my nephews are all caught in the web, and she sucks us dry. Sorry, that is a horrible metaphor, but it feels so true.
--- End quote ---
 
Again, I can totally understand this one.  It does feel EXACTLY that way.  I hate it.  You made a great point about "loving" your mother.  And honestly, this is how I feel......I don't think I love her.  I have tried to really figure this part out.  I think I "love" her God-given role as mother.  I have actually gotten pretty skilled at convincing myself that it wasn't as bad as it could've been.  YUCK.  But I don't think I love her as a person at all.  In fact, I hate her I think.  It is so hard for me to admit that but it's true.  I think I love the person that I have made myself believe that she is.  Kind of the "pretend" mother that I created to get through the rough times.  She is not that mother though.  I think that hate that I feel for her is helping me to draw an even deeper boundary line with her than if I had any deep feelings of love or compassion for her.  She has chewed those up long long ago.  

I LOVE the idea about sending a funnier card.  Could I really do that?  What a slap in the face but I would love it!  Your right, it would totally piss her off.


Hi Portia -


--- Quote ---It’s good to feel, and be, childish at some point in our lives isn’t it? There’s nothing wrong with being childish for us, in fact we probably have to do it, go through childhood again, I think. But as thinking, considering, learning adults. Give yourself permission to be childish sometimes? It’s amazing how seemingly small things – like a good rage – can have such huge effects on us. Change us for the better. Wondrous!
--- End quote ---


Your right.  It is good to feel childish.  I guess I have always been so "grown up" that it is actually hard for me to connect with that inner child.  I first figured out that I have trouble doing that when I figured out how painful it was to genuinely "play and pretend" with my daughter.  That sent up huge red flags all over the place.  I am working on it.


--- Quote ---I still raged but the rages didn’t last so long and now – rage has been almost replaced by disbelief, wonder at the things she says, does, amazement and sure, some anger, but not much. I can say somehow it feels as though I don’t take it so personally any more. It’s like she’s really not doing it to me, she’s doing it to herself. Lots of shaking head emoticons.
--- End quote ---

I have already started to experience a little disbelief / wonder at her actions.  For the first time, almost like I am standing outside of my body looking at her from a new perspective.  It is actually very "realistic" feeling for the first time.


--- Quote ---It’s great to see you angry Michelle.
--- End quote ---

 :oops: Really?  Wow, Portia.  you are the first person to ever say that to me in my life.  You brought tears to my eyes.   :cry: Thanks for saying that.


--- Quote ---PPS Michelle, she dragged her children – you - along on her affairs?????!!!!!?????
--- End quote ---

 
Sick and twisted huh.  yep.  She took us on all her affairs with her.  She couldn't get a "sitter" and god forbid that she give up her "extracurricular" activities.  And of course we were strictly demanded not to tell daddy.  BLECH!  Makes me gag - literally.  



Thanks everyone.  Your support means the world to me right now.  I am so glad that I happened across this board.  Coincidence?  I think not.   :wink:  
Michelle

Anonymous:
Michelle,

Babies and small children are hardwired to internalize the parents' voices. This is for survival purposes -- for our own safety and supposedly positive development. Children are psychologically brainwashed by parents. It's how it's supposed to be! But if the parents are screwed up -- and they brainwash the child all wrong -- that is draggy for the child. You've now figured out about the brainwashing and you can deprogram now. (congratulations!)

There's a book I think would be eye-opening for you. It's called "The Illusion of Love" by David Celani. Explains why we retain irrational attachments to abusive parents. Best explanation I ever read. And the book is relatively short and inexpensive!

bunny

October:

--- Quote from: Michelle ---

I LOVE the idea about sending a funnier card.  Could I really do that?  What a slap in the face but I would love it!  Your right, it would totally piss her off.

Michelle
--- End quote ---




Of course you can send her another card.  Or at the very least have a therapeutic time in the card shop, laughing at the thought of her face when it arrives.  And if she sends you another letter, find one that is even worse.  Change the rules and take control yourself.  Don't play her game any more; make it your game.

Remember, laughing at her will heal you, at the same time as it diminishes her.  Like water on a witch, or daylight on a vampire.  They can't cope with it.  <weg>

Cathy[/i]

Float:
Michelle,
Your letter was very neccessary, I have the same feeings about my father. It's very jackal and Hyde. I try to make peace and deal with him so I can love him and I just end up feeling guilty about calling him out on all his Constant complaining and Contradictory bullshit. He vaules money more then anything else (and has it) and still is a controlling miserable person

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