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Returned mother's day card
Michelle:
Hi everyone :oops:
Well, let's see. A few posts ago I think I talked about feeling like my volcano was getting ready to explode. I guess that's what this post was. My counselor warned me about it and said that it would be a good thing when it happened. I have mixed feelings though. It was a HUGE relief to just type out those raw feelings without even thinking about it. However, looking at it now (a few hours later - calmed down - in my "normal" state of mind) I have to admit I feel embarrassed and very childish and immature. Maybe that's just my "trained" state of mind perfectly created by my mother. who knows? I appreciate everyone's comments.
Spirit:
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this same type of behavior from your dad. It just plain sucks and I feel for you.
--- Quote ---You certainly wrote an excellent reply to her email ( even though it is only here ) but it was YOU who is speaking..congrats ! You are finding your voice Michelle.. keep going !
--- End quote ---
Thanks for that encouragement. I really do feel like I "tapped into" something. Just trying to finish figuring out exactly what it was.
Seeker:
Thanks for the advice on the "factual" aspect of my feelings. You are absolutely right. I guess I just have to kind of trod through all this anger. My counselor said right now that is the biggest thing I need to work on: figuring out how to "feel" my feelings b/c they have been repressed for so long. Sometimes, i don't even know how I feel. Sad, really. I'm sure she will throw a party when she finds out that I went off. :) I do hope to get to the factual stage at some point. Personally I think I will enjoy it more than the "so mad as hell that my eyes are gonna pop out" stage. LOVED the idea about burning, ripping, shredding the card. I think that would provide some great closure and keep me focused that I am the one in control here, not her.
Bunny -
Thanks for the support. I'm not going to send the letter. I really just typed it all out in rage. I am going to print it off for my counselor to read, but other than that - it stays in here.
Well, I'm so new to feeling this anger crap that I'm not really sure where to go from here. Am I supposed to just go off every time I feel mad at her? How do you get all that yuck out and move on? Has anyone else been through this "repressed anger coming out like lava" stage?
Thanks again guys. You all mean alot to me.
Michelle
Ishana:
Michelle,
I think it's great that you expressed your true feelings. It makes sense that you are angry. I can SO relate to what happened to you. It is such a sense of violation.
The truth is that you can't change your Mom. And, no one will rescue you from your anger and pain...except yourself. Which you are doing...and I applaud you!
I think your process, as hard as it is, is necessary. Keep up the good work.
Ishana
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: Michelle ---Well, I'm so new to feeling this anger crap that I'm not really sure where to go from here. Am I supposed to just go off every time I feel mad at her? How do you get all that yuck out and move on? Has anyone else been through this "repressed anger coming out like lava" stage?
--- End quote ---
You're just learning how to own and express true feelings. So at first it might be awkward and ungainly. With practice, feelings of rage will only last a short time and you'll de-escalate pretty rapidly. Therapy helps us learn ways to manage and express emotions in a more productive way (not like an impulsive N) and you're already on that road.
bunny
Dawning:
Michelle, I am in a similar place I think. Having drawn back from my mother as of last March in response to her crazy-making. In fact, I am flying back to the states next week for a reunion and I am not telling anyone in my family.
The overall tone of your mother's letter is that YOU have done something WRONG. If she is like my mother, they will keep doing this as it has worked in the past and they have succeeded cause we were "their" children then and they could get away with it. They only do it to WIN. I don't know why my mother chooses the need to win over a healthy relationship but I don't HAVE TO play the game anymore so I am drawing back. I also wrote my mother a letter and I edited it at least 10 times -unsent. I started the Standing Up to an N thread to get some feedback including whether I should send that LONG letter. I am glad that YOU posted your letter here.
--- Quote ---Well, I'm so new to feeling this anger crap that I'm not really sure where to go from here. Am I supposed to just go off every time I feel mad at her? How do you get all that yuck out and move on? Has anyone else been through this "repressed anger coming out like lava" stage?
--- End quote ---
Yup - in the past - ALOT. I have asked for forgiveness from people I lashed out at back in those days. Recently, I count on various "therapies" I have created for myself to help me deal with the anger. But I am not afraid of my anger anymore. It is controlled anger now. Really, there are no "supposed to do" anythings. Here is a simple way I look at it: when I feel angry, I decided what to do with it - transform it and/or let it go. Recently, transforming it - then letting it go -if it wants to go - has worked. If the anger comes back and I feel the same way then I recognize it as coming from a deeper place. I would talk to my therapist about that. For me, the key has been to not run away from it as I did for a very long time. Referring to the problem of voicelessness has been a tremendous help because - the meaning of the word itself - has allowed me to tap into anger I had even as a baby. The sooner I recognize that anger is still held in my body, the sooner I can get rid of it. Riding my bike in the park before the sun set helps at the moment. Maybe you could find something you like doing - that makes you feel good, peaceful and relaxed in order to help you tune in to your anger and give it an expression that you can live with. That's taking back control from the N parents. Or at least it feels so to me. To me, anger makes me feel aggressive so - whatever I do to transform the anger when I feel it - has to be aggressive - riding a bike, working out with weights, any physical activity...yoga. Or even getting a massage. Others I can think of but have not tried: punching bag and kick boxing.
October:
Hiya Michelle
I read your mother's letter to you, and your hypothetical reply to her, and I loved every word of it. I think your mum will regret sending you that letter for one very important reason. Ns can't help letting out information about their world view, because it is all that they have, and every time they put pen to paper they betray the intensity of their own feelings, which are nothing to do with love, and everything to do with a kind of vampirism.
My mum would never write anything like that, and in a way I wish she would, because it might give me a road to reach her by, eventually. She uses passive aggression for everything she doesn't like, and there is just no way through it. I never send her loving cards, of the kind she would like. I spend ages having a laugh to myself at the mothers day cards, thinking, good grief!!!!!! I always sign 'with love', but that is my own kind, not hers, and I always think 'tough love', as I write it. I am not going to deny that I love my mother, because I can't help it. I wish I could. But at the same time I hate her for what she has done to the whole family, and what she continues to do. She is like a great big spider at the middle of a web, and my brothers and myself and my nephews are all caught in the web, and she sucks us dry. Sorry, that is a horrible metaphor, but it feels so true.
I think I would be tempted now to find an even funnier card, perhaps one with slightly vulgar humour in it, and send it to your mother. One thing Ns can't stand is to be laughed at. It seems to be the one emotion they cannot feed off. They can laugh at other people in a really nasty way, but they can't take even gentle humour back. Lol!!! It is how we know we are 'human'. We have the ability to see the dark side, and laugh, even at ourselves.
Hugs
Cathy
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