First post about an N Mother... long...

[gjackson]

I have known for a while now that my mother has NPD. I think that I'm lucky because i'm in my early 20s, and have time to address and deal with this issue

Recently my girlfriend and I moved in together. Since then my M has been addressing emails and phone messages on my personal lines to both me and my GF. I asked her to not do that and she totally flipped out. Here are some excerpts from her emails... names omitted with harry and sally
 
"Harry, I'm working on that you asked me to address emails only to you unless they have something to do specifically with the two of you. Ya know Harry  I think that's just being too complicated. Can't you just be grateful that I'm talking to or emailing you? Does it really have to be just a certain way? I sort of understand your point, but to go ahead and ask me to be more careful about how I address emails and phone calls, isn't that being a little too something? What if I thought Sally might have an interest in that we're going somewhere or doing something? What if I really mean Hey Harry and Sally what's up? I think it's too much to ask and I'm going to be giving it a lot of thought and you likely won't be hearing much form me while I think about it. I just really don't have that much time to put that much thought into whether or not I'm emailing or phoning my son and live-in girl-friend good enough. It's not like when you answer your phone I say Hey Harry and Sally it's your Mom.
Geeze, give me a break. Can't you just be grateful I care enough to even talk to you? Maybe I should start lecturing you on what I really think about your living with a woman you're not married to! (Got rid of your bed, so you only have one bed, and that will make the move easier.) If I want to talk to the two of you in one message and it's a little only about me, I mean, I thought Sally would want to know. Sorry.

I have a hard time considering other peoples feeling when it's not mutual.
 
How about I just address them "Hi" and let you decide who I mean!
 
Me"

Second one sent a few minutes after that.

"Like having you over here for a holiday, or anything, without her is ever gonna happen. You live at her parents house when you go out there. And I can't address emails or phone messages to both of you unless it's all about just you two kids together? It just isn't working for me.
How about you call me once in a while?
Dad says it's one of the stupidest things he's heard in a long time.
I actually thought she might care and want to know. Sorry. "

My response...

"Mom,
I need to still feel that I am an individual. Sally and I do live together and share much of our lives, but we each have our own personal lives and relationships with our families. I didn't want to make this a big deal, nor did I mean to hurt your feelings. I appreciate (and so does she) that you include Sally, she is very important to me. The point that I was trying to make is that I don't want to lose my personal identity as your son. Please continue to write emails we like hearing whats going on in your life. When you feel that you want to include Sally in an email you can CC it to her (******@gmail.com also her phone # is *********), but it is okay to send an email just to me.

Love always,

Harry"

Her responses

7:12am
"Harry,
 
I can't do that. Losing your individuality is one of the risks of moving in together. You did make a huge deal out of it, and you did hurt my feelings and more. You could have thought about not wanting to lose your personal identity as my son when you moved in with your girlfriend. Like it won't mean anything and nothing will change. I've actually taken it quite well considering my values. I am not going to go out of my way to send emails and phone calls to two people when you share most of your meals and every night together. If you want to know anything about me you can call me for a change. I'm busy. What was your relationship with your parents like before I took quite well the news of your moving in with her? You're a couple and I'm not excluding her from anything, that would be your decision. Since I know you live together one phone call or email to my son should take care of things from my end. This sounds like something you and your girlfriend need to work out between yourselves. It's not like I'd call your cell and put her name first.
 
Regards,
(Her first name)"

My F @ 10:45am

"Harry

You & Sally are a couple now. We don't have anything to say to you that isn't to the two of you. While you sort that out in your mind...don't forget that you are not to call me on my cell phone during the work day. If you have something to say to me, call us at our house.

Dad"

M @11:45am

"Harry,
 
I want my questions answered. Take your time. I deserve answers.
 
Mom"

M @ 11:55am

"Ya know if Sally wants me to have her email and cell phone you can give her my numbers and she can call and email me and let me know that. I don't think I'd use them. My connection to her is through my son. If I want your girl-friend to know something, I'll tell you, like normal. Man, can you get any weirder? Apart from you I can't imagine needing to talk to her separately from you. What do I need her numbers for? You live with her, you can tell her. If I address something to the two of you, that likely means I want the two of you to know. IF YOU DON'T TELL HER OR SHE'S NOT INTERESTED, THAT'S YOUR PRIVATE BUSINESS."


Where do i go with her from here? After this I am seriously looking for professional help because I have realized that now my GF will have to deal with having a N in her life.

[Ami]

dear Friend,
  I had so many reactions when I read your post.
  First,'Do they know how to throw on the guilt or what?"
 My M is a true NPD. My saga is that I gave my life to her--totally--in everything.I got crazier and crazier trying to help her to see that she was the " normal.'one.
  I almost "died" b/c I could not eat( from too much stress).After all this,I FINALLY started  getting well(from the board). THEN, b/c I was got well (much better), she TOTALLY rejected me.
  Why did it take me so long to see that it is a no win situation.? No one could have told me,I don't think.
  I hope that you can be helped  b/c you found the board early. No one .seems to understand NPD unless they live with it.
  Keep sharing and be a part of our community and you can be spared  the scrapes , falls and major collisions  that I took(hopefully).                          Love   Ami
 

[Hopalong]

Welcome GJackson,
Glad you found us.

My take on that email trail is that it's manipulative and punishing.
I feel you have every right to refuse to accept messages to your GF from your mother.

But since your parents don't have control over your "sinful" decision to live with Sally, they're trying to make a display of their disapproval by addressing communications to you as a four-legged creature. It's silly and childish, and imo, it might not be worth fighting about. They can write "dear Harry and Sally" and you can just ignore the "and Sally", and reply blah, blah...Harry.

I remember when I married I retained my maiden name. My parents were threatened by that choice and used to overrule it. They would send me mail as Mrs. Hops ____, even though I explained I was not adopting the "Mrs." tradition. It hurt and offended me. One day I said to my father, you gave me this name, and now you're telling me I can't keep it? He never did it again.

But I think your mother is enjoying her "payback", so maybe the best approach is to out-mature her. Just tell her, I think this is silly and I will not be forwarding your messages to Sally unless there's something urgent for her to know, but as I can't control how you address your messages, do it any way you want, and I'll respond likewise.

Hope that helps,
Hopalong

[gratitude28]

Games, games, games. DISENGAGE. I would just back off and let them address you however they want and scale back to minimal replies - vague ones. They will continue this as long as they know it bothers you. I think you are a kind person to think of your girlfriend and make sure she knows what she is getting into. A therapist together might be a good idea. She does need to make the choice to live with the situation so that you will not have any friction later on.
Please keep posting. Your story will help others here and many should be able to help you as well. I agree that it is wonderful you have realized your situation early on - I wish I had.
Love, Beth

[lighter]

I agree with your post, Hops.

g:  Your parents look like they're behaving like children.

Try behaving like a PARENT and see what happens.....

then be glad you understand what they're doing and hang on to what seems to be your pretty good grip on reality.

Sally doesn't appear to be that affected by your parents..... yet.

Try to educate her so she's ready for them when they're spending time together in the future.

You can compare "what my crazy parents did" notes at the end of the night and see who won: /

[Iphi]

Hi gjackson and welcome!  I thought gratitude nailed it - games games games.  Your mom is getting so, so, so much mileage out of - freaking nothing.  This is such a non-issue and she is turning it into a referendum on everything - and it's all about the guilt.  as you know, you are a grown up and you should not be running your each decision in life past 'will mom like it?' 

I found this amusing, "I have a hard time considering other peoples feeling when it's not mutual."

Let me edit that to be more accurate:

"I have a hard time considering other peoples feeling when it's not mutual."

My experience is that when I try to discuss an issue I just end up getting into a deeper and deeper hole, while all the while my dad makes the most of his outrage over - whatever.  Therefor, I second gratitude's suggestion of just being vague with them.  My personal goal is to not give them anything they can use.  I am clear to myself and with my husband about my boundary and why I feel the need for it, but I just act upon it with my dad - I don't (god forbid) explain or discuss it.  Anyway, just another approach.  I wish you guys, harry and sally, the best!

[Bella_French]

Dear Gjackson,

I think this kind of response is what they call `` crazymaking''; she's trying  to wear you down with indignant righteousness, pseudo logic and emotional blackmail, and yet doesn't actually make any sense at all.  I think its perfectly reasonable to want to have private messages for you addressed to you! It seems as though your mother's resistance to your very simple and reasonable request is her way of punishing you for escaping from her sphere of control .

My mother is an N to, and i can agree with he advice to disengage. The only way to tackle crazymaking is to stop communicating with your mother. I know that can be hard, but its one way to reclaim your power when words are not working. The worst that can happen is she'll get mad and stop contacting you too, but wouldn't the peace be nice?

Anyway, I'm sorry that what have should have been an easy normal conversation blew up into that.

Bella