Is it best to have no contact with your N?

[Heather]

Good evening all-

I'm hoping for some wisdom about the question that continues to torment me.

My mother has not spoken to me for 7 years, despite my occasional efforts to mend things with her. I haven't tried to contact her for about 4 years now, but I find that I still think about it all the time.

I wish I had a mother. I feel like there is this big gaping hole in my life, and I sometimes try to talk myself into calling her again. I tell myself that a crappy mother is better than no mother. Since having my own children, there are so many things that I wish I could ask her. I have no sisters. I feel like there is no female role model for me, no one that I can confide in or lean on. Most of the time, I pretend that my mother is dead, which is easiest for me. If I think about the fact that she is alive, and only 2 1/2 hours away, it makes the sadness and loneliness too hard to bear.

If I beg and grovel and do everything she wants, she will be nice to me. I will have a mother again. But there is a terrible price.

If I'm honest with myself, I know that she is bad for me. But then this little voice says that I'm a bad person, because after all, she's my mother.

So my question is, should I continue to have absolutely no contact with her? Is that the only way for me to be healthy?

Any insight would be appreciated.

Thanks, and hugs to all of you!

Heather

[Bella_French]

I wish I had a mother. I feel like there is this big gaping hole in my life, and I sometimes try to talk myself into calling her again. I tell myself that a crappy mother is better than no mother. Since having my own children, there are so many things that I wish I could ask her. I have no sisters. I feel like there is no female role model for me, no one that I can confide in or lean on. Most of the time, I pretend that my mother is dead, which is easiest for me. If I think about the fact that she is alive, and only 2 1/2 hours away, it makes the sadness and loneliness too hard to bear.

Dear Heather,

I am so sorry that you have an N mother too, who has treated you so badly that its caused a 7 year separation between you both. It really is so hard to stop wishing for the motherly love we never had, isn't it? And its so hard to stop feeling angry and disappointed, I know.

After reading your post, my first thoughts were that if you want to resume contact because you want those things you mentioned, such as a female role model in your life that you can confide in, who is `like a sister' , it would probably be very disappointing for you. I know that is so hard to hear, but your mother just can't can't give those things to you because she is an N. She has an emotional illness, which prevents her from loving you like that, and I know that is tragic and hard to live with. But it can be a weight off your shoulders to accept that too, and to see her for who she really is.

I think perhaps the best way forward right now would be to work towards making peace with who she is, as well as her needs and limitations. And the other part of this, of course, is working out who you are and what your needs and limitations are too. When you figure that out, you may find a place for her in your life, on your terms. Or you may decide that the relationship is totally impossible. But reality is always a good place to start, in any case.

X bella

[gratitude28]

Heather,
I felt just as you do for the first year after figuring out my what my mother is. I really mourned. Especially because I had some feelings towards her that seemed to come from maternal affection. I think I created those feelings, though, because I believed that is how a mother should feel towards you. Heather, you can go into a relationship again. And, as you guessed, you will have to do exactly what she wants to be in the relationship. It will be like playing a board game with a child. She will make up all the rules and throw the pieces when you are not following the rules, or God forbid, are winning.
I know it is hard to not have a maternal figure in your life. I am fortunate to have my mother-in-law. She has been such a gift to me. Her sister too. I tried to see my mother's sister in that way, but I tend to believe that she runs along the N scale too.
What kind of person do you think might be able to fill that role for you? Your mother never will, even if you try to mend things with her. It is proof that she does not care if she could let you go so effortlessly.
One more question - Why now? What made you all of a sudden crave a maternal figure? Did something change in your life?
(((((((((((((Heather))))))))))))))
Love, Beth

[Heather]

First-thank you all so much. I do feel love and support here, and that means so much.

Beth-- I had a baby less than a year ago. The last time I tried contacting my mother was when my oldest daughter was a baby. I see a pattern here! I think that having children, and experiencing intense maternal love for them makes me want my own mom to....I don't know. Act like a mom to me, I guess.

My therapist said that she is not capable of loving me like a mother loves a child. To her, I am an object to decorate her life with. This is so hard for me to accept. How can a mother not love her child! I just don't understand.

Does anyone else worry about genetic predisposition toward narcissism? I ask my husband all the time if he thinks that I will turn into a narcissist too. I struggle with a crippling lack of self confidence now, and it seems that I question every single thing I do or say as a parent. My therapist says that I'm actually the polar opposite of narcissism, but I still fret over it. Losing my daughters the way my mother has lost me would be a great tragedy. I want more than anything to prevent that. 

Well ladies, I'm heading to the library this afternoon. I reserved every book they had about narcissism! You'll probably be hearing from me very late tonight, because reading about this topic seems to dredge up lots of old painful memories, and sleep becomes impossible.

Thank you so much for the wisdom. It's so encouraging to know that you understand.

Love,
Heather

[jillebean]

Heather,

My first thought re: your question as to whether or not you are at risk for narcissistic behaviors is this:  If you have the insight to look and monitor your behaviors, I would have to say "not a chance!"   I have a strong feeling you are a wonderfully loving mom.  Be proud of this and remind yourself often of this strength.

On contact with your mom, I only have experience with N "father".  I can never say anything is certain, but I do know that my decision to stay completely away was very freeing and I am able to have some compassion for him without feeling the urge to try to show him what COULD be if he would only see clearly.  I remind myself that "it is what it is".  My illusions of an omnipotent, caring yet reserved father are gone and my reality (the only one I have... save for the other tenants renting space in my brain : ) is that he is a very sick man who could throw some intensely negative emotions my way and I'm not playing that game with him anymore. 

Wow! i'm feeling some really negative stuff now.  The hurt never truly goes away.  but it becomes tolerable. 

Peace! 
jill
   

[gratitude28]

Heather,
You can't become a narcissist at this point in life. Also, I am a bit farther down the child line (my son is 9, my daughter is 7). They are the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. I adore them beyond anything. Growing up, my parents told me all the time that kids always hate their parents - NOT ture. It was a cop=out phrase for them. I know many parents now who have great relationships even with their teenagers. Heather, if you love and respect your children, you will never get anything but happiness. I promise you.
My sister is thinking about having a baby now and she is worried too. She has realized my mother does not like children and is afraid she won't wither. She is a great aunt!!! I realized that my mother was off, in fact, when I saw that she did not care for her grnadkids unless they were being cute or bringing attention to her. Is that sick or what? A grandmother who is annoyed by her grandchildren. Heather, your mother will also try to runi that relationship for you - I can promise you that. Or do other sneaky things.
I have had the great fortune of being far away for the past decade. But the last time we can to visit, she made my daughter hold her bird, knowing it would bit her. I was furious when I found out. I did not leave them with her- it must have been when I took a bath.
I have more stories - just ask if you need convincing. I have to say, when I had my first baby, I wanted my XBF to know that I was having a baby- I wanted to thumb my nose at him somehow. I think it's a mixture of the huge change and the hormones - lol.
I am so glad you have a therapist!!! And I am glad you are here. You have a nice voice and a sweet disposition.
Love, Beth

[Bella_French]

Dear Heather,

Beth and Jillebean really said it all, but I wanted to reinforce that I don't think theres any chance of you being an N either. Unlike an N,  you posses the ability to be self critical,  and you embrace growth and learning. N's are very different people, and their language is very different to yours. They operate from the position of protecting the fantasy of being perfect, and will go to great lengths to harm anyone who challenges their fantasy. They have no conscience or empathy, and posses the ability to be extremely cruel. That doesn't sound like you at all, does it?

I think its important, though, to realize that our mothers were our role models as children, so we will have picked up traits from them via mimicracy. We might have mannerisms like them, copy certain behavior, or look similar. When under stress as a mother, there might be times when your gut reaction is to behave like her because its what you learned to do. Or you might swing the other way, and try to be her opposite, only sometimes in a  self-defeating kind of way. This is all perfectly normal (and doesn't make you an N)

I think part of self growth as the child of an N is consciously working through what behavior you have mimicked, what behavior is about rebellion, and especially, what behaviour is about pushing yourself too hard and trying to win love from her. Its all about choosing what you want to hold onto (not everything you learned is bad) and who you really want to be.

X Bella

[changing]

Heather-

You are not an N and never will be. You have a beautiful family , and are a normal loving person who wants to share that with her mother, who sadly does notrealize the treasure in her daughter. You are not the problem ,and the solution is not within your power. You can sacrifice your whole life and the happiness of your family trying to please your mother, and still come up empty. Do what is right by your mother if she needs food or other basic items, but don't damage your family by hurting yourself and them. You can be the mother that is missing- in fact I know that you are.


Love and happiness,

Changing

[teartracks]

Hi Heather,

Is it best to have no contact with your N?

I don't think it is a question of is it best.  It's a case of deciding whether you want to invest the energy of your soul in a person where you know there will be no positive return, then asking yourself, Can I afford to lose everything I invest here?   Can I live peacefully with whatever decision I make about this for the long haul?

tt

[Hopalong]

Dear Heather,
You are wise enough to know that your mother does not love. She uses, manipulates, and especially punishes. What a horror of a grandmother she would be.

It is tragic, but it is not the end of you!!

Your T sounds wise to me, too. You, an N??? Balderdash.

You have only so much precious lifetime, so much precious energy. How much of it does a mother who does not speak to her child deserve, I wonder?

And you have two precious children! All the newness of life and goodness of love is already flowing in your home. It is there! Every day.

The greatest gift YOU can give your children is to heal yourself of your longing for your mother. I advise similar things all the time, this is nothing original...but I'd suggest women's spirituality retreats, groups, workshops. I have met so many wise older women through doing these things through my church. They are woven into my week. They are friends and aunts and mentors and role models.

There is mother-love all around. So many lonely older women who would love to be "adopted" by a young family who'd let them come for supper now and then, or birthday parties, and help love these little ones. Go collect some old aunties!

And realize that for you, finding happiness, letting her ghost rest, is the most wonderful thing you can do. Not "getting her back" (you never had her in the first place).

Does that make sense? Compost anything that doesn't...

with love,
Hopalong

[Heather]

Good morning dear girls-

I have printed your responses to this question and put them in my Bible. Your words are comforting to me. They remind me that I'm OK, and my life can be full and worthwhile, with or without my mother. These are valuable things to remember!

I stayed up reading "Children of the Self Absorbed" until I finished it. I'm tired today, but I feel that a weight has been lifted. Reading that book was like reading the story of my own childhood. It helped me to understand the reasons behind the things I do to sabotage myself, and that was so freeing to me! I realize now that I've always been afraid to try, to succeed, because I'm supposed to be "nothing." This was quite a realization for me. I woke up this morning determined that things are gonna change! I'm going to take it one day at a time.

On a less pleasant note, I received a notice that there is a certified letter from the IRS waiting for me at the post office. EEK! Certified letters are never good, and NOTHING good comes from the IRS (except refund checks of course! Which I never get.)

Thanks to all you terrific women-you have no idea what a difference you make!

Heather

[gratitude28]

Maybe it's a job offer. They need toughies like you working there - lol.

[Ami]

Dear Heather
  Just want to say that I am so glad that you are here. My M is an N.I guess that it is good that we are "opposite"(no confidence).At least we can build from that point. So many children of N's have had their confidence shredded.,as you mentioned.
  I am trying to repair the 'natural ' amount of N that I should have.
 For you, you would never be an N and ask the question. They don't wonder about being N's. They just use their energy to denude the confidence of others in their "voracious" eating----bleh     Love  Ami