Delusions? Unbelievable Story

[reallyME]

In one certain scenario, the x served as a surrogate parent for the younger sibling.  The family seemed to have some sort of connection with other relatives, but the main inner circle was centered around immediate family...mother/father/siblings/children of X's.  I did hear X mention their relatives once in while, but you are right...there didn't seem to be family picnics or real close ties to them.  The only real closeness i noticed was the x's and a church group, which seemed to be the main focus during x's childhoods anyway.  They all seemed very reluctant to welcome many people into their private lives, with GOOD reason. 

I have noticed that for many dysfunctional people, it is easier for X's to open up with online relationships with people, yet, often when they finally do meet those people in person, the tend to be shocked, devalue and punish them, discard them and then replace them with the next unblessed victim.  It's just what they do, cause, as Dr Phil would say "somewhere along the line, this behavior earned some payoff of some kind."

With me, I think x's were stunned that the payoff did not come as they were used to.  That shocked them into deciding I was an enemy and worthy of being targeted for destruction of, at least my individual identity.  Do I think or believe x's did this CONSCIOUSLY?  NOT ON YER LIFE!  These people sincerely believed that they were doing what was for "my own good."  I will give them at least that much.  Subconsciously, the whistle blowers must be SILENCED...they know TOO MUCH and if they TELL, what will become of our fantasy world? right?...

[betr4]

Through the years my nm has manipulated and controlled our family.  My father, a dedicated family man, has gradually become her total possession. 
Working on myself and letting go of the old family system, I have become a threat to her manipulation and control of the family.  So I am no longer a part of the family.  As if I do not exist.
On rare occasions that I am around my nm and father, he is kind, gentle and we have our moments of shared concern.  nm has to control what he says, when he says it and corrects every move he makes.
Of course she has a facade of sweet, little, gentle, helpless older woman and she uses it to hide her real self, that I know very well.
She is finished with me -- I do not react to her at all.
I miss my father and pray for him and know that I have to let them go.  It's bigger than me.  My 2 sisters are still swirling in all the sickness and have shut me out.  I can't live in 2 worlds so I live in mine and leave them to theirs. It was very painful at first but I have worked through it and the pain is gone.  I am married to a man with her identical behaviors and that is another angle on my story.

[Ami]

Dear Friend,
  I so agree with you. There ARE two worlds. They are so opposite that you are FORCED to chose. If you chose their world, you have to be "crazy" too or else you will leave. I HATE that life is like this. I HATE it,but it is how it is.
  I never wanted to face reality. I was "sick" b/c I would not face it. You are doing very,very well.
                                             Love    Ami


((((((((((((((((betr4)))))))))))))))))))))

[tayana]

BR, you have just described my father's relationship with my mother.  She has total control over him to the point that he does everything she says without question, including repeating her words to me.  As much as I want to have a relationship with him, I can see it's not going to happen, because he'd never choose to defy my mother's wishes.  

Looking back over my move, I think this split has been coming for a while now.  My mother didn't pull any stunts when I moved, and for a little while seemed pretty accepting of the whole thing.  So, it's been building off an on, now she finally pulls her stunt, claiming that I'm keeping her away from my son.  It's not true.  I've actually gone out of my way to keep her in my son's life, but that is her story now.  

My father has bought into it as well, and I'm just tired of being treated like a pawn and having my son used as a bargaining chip.  

[wiltay]

Btr4, Congratulations on your recovery from your poisonous family.  I know it had to be a very long, fearful, painful process and now that you are on the other side of it you know you did the right thing. I think living with a toxic situation is like eating a little arsenic with your breakfast cereal every morning.  You never feel well and it accumulates over time and it truly effects you no matter how good an attitude you try to keep.  I visited my 'adopted family' (the walking/social group that's been my whole life almost for the last 10 years) last weekend and while I thought I had found some distance from this situation all the old crap came back just as if I had never left. 

      The difference was that as I begin to feel poorly again just being around some of these people I could see the negative effect they had on me, the way my whole outlook darkened and soured and my view of myself became negative and 'not me' anymore.   It was an eye-opener.  When you are completely enveloped in it you don't even see it.  Last week when I was talking about Tayana's M and suggesting that she could be 'managed' I was feeling that I could manage my situation with the right attitude, strength and emotional distance but I think that a toxic situation/person is so insidious that  it creeps under your skin and your defenses and before you know it you are sick again.  You just can't have poison in your diet and be healthy!!  I also suddenly realized that one of my old 'friends,' someone I used to spend a lot of time with and someone who has repeatedly been toxic to me, is also an N!  Why is that a surprise? She is not full-blown NPD but N enough to be bad for me and it's clear now that she's 'history' as far as I'm concerned.  As I become healthier and the poisons clear from my system I can see that I make better decisions and judgments.
Bill

[chosenvic]

Lyrics
Blackbird singing in the dead of night 
Take these broken wings and learn to fly 
All your life 
You were only waiting for this moment to arise. 
Blackbird singing in the dead of night 
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see 
All your life   
You were only waiting for this moment to be free. 

Blackbird fly Blackbird fly 
Into the light of the dark black night. 
Blackbird fly Blackbird fly 
Into the light of the dark black night. 

Blackbird singing in the dead of night 
Take these broken wings and learn to fly 
All your life 
You were only waiting for this moment to arise 
You were only waiting for this moment to arise 
You were only waiting for this moment to arise. 
 

Blackbird, by John Lennon and Paul McCartney

I keep hearing this song run through my head over and over reading these posts.  For those of yuo who grew up in dysfunctional families, abusive FOOs, the dead of night was yuor childhood.

Learning to see and learning to fly is learning to live without the confusion and belief in ohter peoples toxic realities, forced on yu when you were small.

Tyana you are fixing your broken wings and learning to fly, leanring to see, when you parent your son better than you were parented. 

Just wanted to say, to all of you overcoming FOO trauma, you are incredible beings and youll overcome,
because you seek to. 

Flying into the dark black night is still flying, though it's scary and unfamiliar. It's better than not flying at all, I think youll agree?