Returned mother's day card

[Anonymous]

Michelle -- Your mother's letter, including her tone of injured innocence ("It certainly hurt my feelings and let me know that for some reason you must be angry at me") alternating with nastiness ("You will have to live with the way you are treating me") and her ludicrous speculations about the cause of your anger ("Are you mad because I love your children so much? ...I can't believe you get mad at me for calling and checking on you too much") makes it clear that she is not willing or able to deal with reality.  Also, the fact that she repeatedly tells you you've "changed," but is unable to move beyond that or adapt in any way to your needs makes me think that she is a lost cause. Actually sending the mother's day card back is a very clear message that she won't tolerate any communication that doesn't conform to her requirements.

If this is what you've been dealing with all your life, no wonder you're angry. I'm glad you're able to feel and express your feelings. I'm sure you'll move on to a stage where they aren't so overwhelming. I also think it's fantastic that you're starting to identify feelings that you thought were yours, that she has actually projected on to you.

I hope you feel good about what you've accomplished!

Cathy said:

I read your mother's letter to you, and your hypothetical reply to her, and I loved every word of it. I think your mum will regret sending you that letter for one very important reason. Ns can't help letting out information about their world view, because it is all that they have, and every time they put pen to paper they betray the intensity of their own feelings, which are nothing to do with love, and everything to do with a kind of vampirism.

Cathy, this is so true!  I have been trying to clarify my feelings about a recent incident with my mother, and you are exactly right about both the way she revealed her world view and the fact that it was "vampirism"! Thank you for labelling it for me.

Morgan

[Michelle]

Bunny -

But if the parents are screwed up -- and they brainwash the child all wrong -- that is draggy for the child. You've now figured out about the brainwashing and you can deprogram now. (congratulations!)

There is so much to be said for child development, huh.  That is so true about children internalizing their parents voices.  And when the parents are screwed up, yuck - it takes YEARS to repair and retrain those voices.  I guess that's where I am now.  Thanks for clearing that up for me.  thanks also for the book recommendation....I put it on my list.  


Cathy -

And if she sends you another letter, find one that is even worse. Change the rules and take control yourself. Don't play her game any more; make it your game. Remember, laughing at her will heal you, at the same time as it diminishes her. Like water on a witch, or daylight on a vampire. They can't cope with it.

LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!  You have some great advice.....I am going to make this my game.  I feel positively powerful when I look at things from your perspective, thank you!


Float -

Welcome - I haven't seen you around since I've been here.  Sorry to hear about your dad.  Especially sorry about his money issues.  I hope you are taking care of yourself and not letting him suffocate you in HIS world.  Take care!!!

Morgan -

Thanks for explaining my mother's letter from your viewpoint (injured innocence, nastiness, ludicrous speculations) - they were very intriguing.  It is so amazing to me how clearly you see when you are not emotionally attached to a situation.  Thank you.  

Actually sending the mother's day card back is a very clear message that she won't tolerate any communication that doesn't conform to her requirements.

Wow.  thanks for adding that in there.  It was very painful when I read it but sad as it is, I know this is true.  Your right, she's proven it herself.

thanks also for your encouragement.  It means alot right now!  

thanks everyone and chat soon.  keep all the great advice coming - it is more helpful than you will ever know!

Michelle

[Screamer]

Hello Michelle,

Your mother's letter sounds so much like something my mother would say.  They are always so injured by us, aren't they.  They walk on water and we wallow in the mud.  They are the perfect martyer and we the executioners.

Don't get sucked into her trap!  You have worked too hard to allow her to pull you down!

Stand firm!  We support you!!

[October]

Michelle

Thanks.     I sometimes can see the theory clearly enough, but it is not easy translating that into reality.  

Just be careful to have lots of protection around you if you provoke a strong reaction.  You may get tears, anger, martyrdom; pretty well anything.  Try to not let any of it penetrate to your inner self, and remember to keep laughing.  Pretend you think she is joking.  

Then when you have had enough, say so and stop communicating.


Morgan

Glad it helped.    I'm sorry you have an Nmum, though.  I think they are the worst kind of N to have around.

(((((((((safe hugs to all)))))))))

Cathy