Forcing Myself to Nurture Myself

[seasons]

Hi Ami,

Sally said that you have to nurture YOURSELF..This hit me as a "wow". I forgot that I was the one who had to nurture myself.
  When I wrote the post to Amber on Twiggy's thread,I realized that I had "sacrificed' myself and then thought that other people would rescue or tale care of me. It hit me like a "brick" that this is not the "natural order of things".This is codependency. I need to love and nurture myself. Other people can be "companions" in life-----not the essential filling of an inside emptiness.
  Also, I see that it is too much "work" to get other people to build me up, validate me  etc.It takes so much effort and energy.It would be much easier  to nurture and love myself.  Then I won't go so up and down on the whims of  others.
  So, I am "forcing' myself to override the old tapes of  shame, I am forcing myself to go against my M's biggest "sin"--loving, nurturing and taking care of yourself.                Love  Ami

Ami your post is a light of hope. I've been looking for a way to exist in the presence of my N, which we know is fruitless and exhausting.
I feel invisible and have had less energy, tired of silently yelling I am here, stop hurting me, I count too.etc....
 I realized after reading your post I have completely sacrificed myself for even existing in my own life.This probably makes know sense. But the people that bring me down are so filled with grandiose lives (make believe, yet I play my part) I am programmed to think I am not as busy, as selfless, as thoughtful, as popular, important as them.
As you said, "Then I won't go so up and down on the whims of others." Wow, that really is huge to see in black and white. The answer is there to be taken.....nurture yourself.

Thank you for sharing and lighting a candle so I too can see. Sending you lots of strength and joy as you embark on loving you! seasons

[Ami]

 I realized after reading your post I have completely sacrificed myself for even existing in my own life.This probably makes no sense




Dear Seasons,
  Thank YOU for the gift of understanding.  Every time I nurture myself or put my needs(mostly emotional) first,I break a few threads away from the old pattern.
  It is so painstaking,at this stage ,to even TRY to break away. However,I am seeing my M as a little more separate from me as I force myself to "honor" myself and take care of myself.
  I think that the biggest thing she did NOT want me to have was self care.
  I never "fought" back before.I just let all her ideas and voices wash over me and I submitted.Now,I am slowly wrenching myself away from them.
  I simply am forcing myself to do kind things for myself. Maybe I can only do a few at a time.It seems so wrong to be good to myself. However, even if I do a little thing like put a 'tart"(candle wax)in the tart warmer and smell the  wonderful smells like Candy cane, or Christmas trees,I am doing a small victory FOR myself and against what she taught me.
  It is really like cult brainwashing.I can only make very small dents --little by little.
 Thanks for sharing the journey with me, Seasons. It means so much to me that you shared about your situation                      Love  Ami
 
 

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
  Does  Twiggy trusts you to be good to her and take care of her?I know that my inner child  does not at all. I will have to prove it to her. She has no reason to at  all b/c  I ALWAYS let her down in favor of s/one or s/thing else--always. That was what my stomach aches were. She did not even deserve to live. She would be silly to trust me when I have abused and betrayed her as badly as my M did to me.
  My goal is to get her to trust me. That is what I am working on now.  That is why she does not like to travel.I could betray her more when I am in different  surroundings and she knows it.
  For me,I will earn her trust little by little .She does not like my H too much, either b/c he has to be "beaten down" too.
  So, I have new challenges ahead of me---bleh--( would rather stay in the room)                  Ami

[Ami]

Dear Amber,
  That last post was SO BIG.I get it--Amber.
  WOW-- you got to the root. The "bad' things were only the "role".It was not your M or "you"--it was the "role' that you had to play in order to survive.Now you( I) are free to be who we were before we were forced  to take on the role.
  I don't know if you just figured this out or you had before but this is BIG. THANK YOU    Love    Ami

[Lupita]

I was told by a friend of mine long time ago, that I am one of those persons who gives the rope to the person who is going to hang me.

I remember my dad telling me bring me my belt because I am going to bit you. And I did.

[JanetLG]

Lupita,

I'm so sorry, Lupita. That was not your fault. You had no option.

My NMum had a piece of wood that she used to 'pull' the wet washing from the 'twin tub' washing machine into the spin dryer. When we were 'naughty', we had to go and fetch it, and then she'd hit us with it.

Both my NMum and your father were 'offloading' the 'bad behaviour' of choosing to hit us, by making us collude in the act.That's not normal behaviour for a responsible adult.

But then, this is N's we're talking about.


Janet

[towrite]

Ami - this may be a weird response to your self-nurturing issue, but it hit me last night. I was watching a movie in which the hero was injured badly. He had to keep going to reach his goal, but he was bleeding and limping. He passed by a truck  and a bus both with people aboard. I was so jolted when he did not stop and ask for help - I realized that's what I've done all my life - I've just thrown myself on the mercy of other people instead of nurturing myself. I expected others to nurture me when I was brusied and injured. Not only did it not happen, but many of those I "threw" myself on only further brutalized me. It was an emotional blow to watch him struggle on to take care of himself and reach his goal and realize my primal instinct would have taken away my power to nurture myself.

And all that from a stupid movie ....

[Ami]

Dear Towrite,
  The movie just brought together thoughts that were inside you ,anyway.Towrite--did you see my new thread ,"Things my M did not teach me."It is about power-----before I hijacked it myself.
  However,having and owning our own power is the key to getting out of abuse( even our own to ourselves--which is the WORST of all).
 Anyway, you are such a wonderful voice .. I am so glad that you are here,today.              Love   Ami


((((((((((((((((Towrite)))))))))))))))))))))))))

[towrite]

You are absolutely right, Ami, about having our power as a key to getting out of abuse.