New to the Board

[Float]

Well I guess you have another member of a child of  a narcisst.
I was raised in an upper class background by parents who came from poverty and dysfunctional families. They tried their best to nurture my siblings and myself, but my father was so damaged from his lack of childhood and his N parents that it resulted in him only concentrating on his self worth, which was measured by money. He told all of us never to marry, never to trust people and money was only thing to protect you, etc.
Anyway, the result is he raised children that all became highly educated and successful.  We are all also in non committal relationships, workaholics (80hrs weeks), and basically lack any true emotions. We have created almost perfect “alter” egos to deal with society and thus have closed ourselves off from any real emotion. My problem is that I also now judge myself and well being by wealth.  Hopefully, I can start to be honest with myself and others and not end up like my father.

[Tokyojim]

You sound like you are on to something and determined not to wind up like your father.  By writing that you basically lack any true emotions, you are showing the recognition and need that you want the emotions.  If you really did not have them, you would not know it.  That is the start!

Also, the same thing is true when you say that you judge yourself and well being by wealth.  If you truly believed that, you would not have even found this message board.

I have a suggestion.  You sound like you are wealthy.  Sometimes, through a psychologist, you can do group therapy with similar people.  You are probably feeling very isolated and alone.  I think that you will find many, many people like yourself.

[Float]

Tokyojim,
I guess you are correct in your comments and I am alone besides my sister who is going through the same thing. As for the rest of my family, the are not self aware. As for a group, I would love to find one and will start to look, though here looks to be a good start.

[mighty mouse]

Hi Float,

I'm not exactly new to the board but I've never posted before.  

Your post resonated with me because the only person in my family that seems to get approval from my NMom is my brother who is a doctor. Out of her seven other kids she can't seem to acknowledge that we are all accomplished in our own way. Ironically my brother never felt like he was loved until he became a doctor (something he started in his mid thirties and subsequently destroyed his family - wife and 4 kids - over). But now by gosh he has my Mom's approval.  

It is a process and a good place to start is this board. There are many helpful and caring people here. Dr. Grossman recommended a book to me called "The Narcissistic Family" by Donald and Stephanie Pressman. It is kind of expensive but I thought it was very helpful.

Good luck on your journey.

Mighty Mouse

[Float]

Mighty Mouse,
Thanks for the reply, its great to see other people out there in the same complex situation. I feel for your brother especially b/c he sounds like mine. My brother is exactly like my father and looks to him for validation which never gets anyway so if he does my father will eventually have an outburst where he will rip my brother to shreds. Though your brother has your mom’s “approval” he still most likely does not have her unconditional love. Not for anything but if all of her children are content and successful in their own right that should be her greatest accomplishment of all

[Michelle]

Hi Float and welcome -

You are correct in saying that this is a great start for you!  A group where you could meet in person with other people going through the same thing would be great, but this is a wonderful place to begin.  Glad to see you here!

I am sorry to hear about the damage that your father passed on to you.  It is a shame he couldn't stop the damage with himself.  Many people are not able to.  I hope that you will be able to stop the damage before passing it on to your own family.  I applaud you and encourage you to continue in taking this first step.  Continue to heal by using this board.  Hopefully your experience here will help you to see your life and rebuild it in a way that is more healthy for you and your family.

Blessings to you,
Michelle

[Anonymous]

Welcome Float,

You sound vastly more self-aware than your father. I felt emotions from you, so I think you do have them   . You just need a safe place to show your true self, where others won't evaluate your worth, judge you, or have to approve of you. Your father gave you some pretty lame messages but you can tape over them. I've taped over many of my parents dumb messages. Admittedly I started internally questioning their messages at an early age. Maybe you were doing that, too.

bunny

[mighty mouse]

 Though your brother has your mom’s “approval” he still most likely does not have her unconditional love. Not for anything but if all of her children are content and successful in their own right that should be her greatest accomplishment of all

Oh I think you are quite right about that. I went into the travel business because of my Mom's love of travel. Now that my Dad has passed and she is remarried to a guy that doesn't care about travel, my profession is suddenly not so great anymore. And the kicker is I've never really liked being a travel agent and it doesn't fit my personality. I so wish that before I aquired a family and bills that I'd had a parent who actually paid attention to me and "knew" me and could set me on a better path. But I was raised by wolves (a bit of humor - I was actually raised mostly by my then teenaged sisters until I got to take over for them when they left home and I got to raise my 3 younger sibs).

Gosh I've never said that to anyone but my husband and now am feeling a bit embarrassed like I'm being a crybaby. Oh but wait..............like you I'm not supposed to have feelings that are inconvenient. It took me a long time to actually begin to feel MY feelings. It's still hard.

Mighty Mouse

[Float]

All of  your comments have really hit home with me and have shown that I am not alone in my thinking. It's hard when you are raised to be so independent and to have a household that showed little emotion besides self loathing and spite or if you did show a vulnerable side it would be turned against you at some point with an emotional "kick" in the teeth. You become a master at learning how messed up your parents are but then become so good at seeing problems that you become a machine as you never had the opportunity to show emotion just to retreat into your own world and try to manage the nonsensical logic being thrown at you.