Prayers please - my Dad is in hospital

[axa]

Janet,

So glad that you have made contact with your Dad and he is feeling better.  I am thinking that being in the same "space" as your N family at some stage is going to be inevitable and wondering if you could think about how you can protect yourself in the event of that happening.  Glad your Dad has his "ladyfriend" to support him and that she has contact with you.......... lucky duck having a good husband to cuddle you.

Take care of yourself,

axa

[changing]

Wonderful Janet-

I am so glad that your mind is at ease now about your father and that you have a way of N-less direct contact !!! How lovely as well that your husband appreciates you and is a true support and cuddler!!! I will keep praying for you and your father and husband.

Love from Your Friend,

Changing

[Ami]

Dear Janet,
  What a relief that everything looks good. It is so hard for us with N M's to deal with this type of stress(speaking for myself). I seem to take stress much too hard. I think that the lack of mothering makes life so much harder. Then, when you add a truly stressful event like with your Dad,I feel very overwhelmed.
Maybe ,I am speaking for myself,but it is hard for me to cope with "anything" ,let alone  "real things"
  I was so sorry for the pain that you were going through.
  At least, you can talk to your Dad,now. That was a 'Divine' gift,I think.
  Hopefully, you can rest and be so thank ful that he seems like he will be O.K..,
  I don't know if it is just "me but life seems like it has so much pain. Maybe --it seems worse b/c of our M's.
  The main thing is that you are doing well,now. I am so,so thankful for that.                               Love   Ami

((((((((((((((((((Janet)))))))))))))))))

[JanetLG]

I have just got up from having a deeeeeep sleep this afternoon - three hours - to catch up a bit on what I missed last night! Thanks for the recent posts.

I know it's weird that my NMum STILL interferes in my Dad's life enough to be listed as the next of kin...but that's how much control she's got over him. Apparently, though, my Dad's ladyfriend was able to visit him in hospital with just my brother and his wife there - not my NMum too - so she feels better, too.

Last time my dad was in hospital, two years ago, Christine met my NMum for the first time in the hospital corridor, just before visiting time. Christine felt so uncomfortable with the situation, that she went home. How unfair is that? My NMum had been divorced from my Dad for 9 years, then. Control, control, control. Perhaps she's worried that he'll change his Will and leave it all to Christine and not her, like she's told him to. Evil woman.

It doesn't look like he's going to have the scan done today, now - it'll probably be Monday, now. I suppose if they thought it was urgent, they'd get it done.

It's so helpful to have the direct phone line, though.

I know that one day I'll probably have to face the N's, and that what freaks me out the most - I just expect it to be a screaming match, like it used to be. They'd love to make me 'lose it' in public.


Janet

[Poppy Seed]

Janet,

I am a little late getting here, but my thoughts are with you.  I hope everything continues to go well.

Poppyseed

[Bella_French]

Dear Janet,

Thanks for the update; I'm glad to hear that the doctors think your father is well enough to wait until Monday for his scan. I hope that means good news.

I really feel sorry for Christine; she must be a very soft person with low self esteem. Imagine having a partner who pledged all his belongings to his horrible ex wife instead of you when he passes away? It makes me wonder what she thinks about that?

But I can definitely relate, as the last time my mother left my father to have a major affair, she was gone longer than usual. It was closer to 18 months. During that time, my father started dating himself and met a wonderful professional woman who was kind to him and shared his interests. Her name was Meredith and she was our best hope for our Father starting a new life.

But as soon as my mother's affair ended, she moved back in with our father immediately. He didn't even break up with Meredith in person (or talk to her ever again). He just let our mother pick up the phone when she called, and Mum told her to get lost (she can be incredibly nasty). I thought it was so cruel. It shows how powerful and long lasting an addiction to an N can be for some people.

Janet, you'll be ok if you have to see your family again. They won't be able to gas light you if you don't talk to them. Even if they come right up to your ear and start ranting, you can still just walk away without saying a word. No-one can force you to engage in a drama if you don't want to.

I hope you are well and that you'll soon hear more news about your father

X Bella

[JanetLG]

Bella,

Thanks for that. I have calmed down a lot, now that I have spoken to him today.

I do think that if/when I have to see the N's, I'd have to behave exactly as you say - be in the same room as them, but act as if they're not. Just be totally oblivious to them, if that's possible. My husband has said that he'd never let me have to deal with them alone, so I know I'd always have him to fend them off. He can be very 'collected' when he has to (i.e. with them), even when he's seething inside. And they know they can't come out with the usual garbage with him, because it just doesn't work. On the rare occasions when I've been tricked into speaking to my Nsister (she has a habit of ringing up occasionally, just when I think she's dropped off the horizon), I just go straight back to when I was trapped by them, and fall into 'victim mode'. It's so annoying!! My Nsister can be more bitchy than my NMum.

Christine does have incredibly low self-esteem. She speaks very softly. Her own kids treat her like dirt - her son of 26 has never had a job, and she's always clearing up after him, and giving him money. I think she feels that the times she goes out with my dad are a bit of a break from her usual home life. My dad's got his own flat, but they see each other a few times per week. I can't understand why my dad puts up with my NMum interfering still. It must be partly habit, and partly fear. Like many on here who have got N mothers, the fathers are often weak and downtrodden enablers, and that's what he is, really. It's bizarre about the Will, isn't it? I don't care if I don't get his money (and I know I'll definitely not get any of my Nmum's), but why he feels he's got to leave her anything when they've been divorced is beyond me. It's not as if my NMum has never gone out to work - she's worked for most of her adult life, except for about 6 years when we were small, so she's got her own money. And she's always got the cash of the latest male mug who's fallen for her, to pay for anything she needs.

That's awful about your mum going off for ages, and then wrecking the relationship of your dad, and him letting her! The things we have to experience! No wonder it's so hard to get away from N's. They are so good at taking over other people when it suits them. They're like androids rather than humans.


Janet

[Hopalong]

J...

Pod people.

 

(shudder)

Hops

[Leah]

Dear Janet,

Just to say that I am thinking of you, and your Dad.

Hope all is well and that you enjoy a peaceful day today.

Love, Leah

 

[Ami]

Dear Janet,
I bet that since you are a very different person now , that you would be better able to deal with your N M and S than you THINK..I am not saying that you want to or even need to or will. However,I would bet that you don't realize that you have many more resources inside you than you realize.
  I realized this on my trip.The board is the thing that really changed me.I was very different than last year,at the same time.
  Just a thought. Compost( for your vegetables) what does not fit                    Love  Ami

[Leah]

Dear Janet,

Thinking of your Dad today
and you too of course.

Love, Leah

[JanetLG]

 Ami and Leah,

I would hope that I could face being with the N's better than before when I had to, but I really don't like the idea. I know that one day I'll probably have to be in the same room with them (UGH).

When I first came on this forum, it was one of the threads I started - something about 'What will I do when my non-N Dad dies'...I know that it will be an excruciating experience anyway, but to have to get through it with N's just makes me weak at the knees. I got some very good advice then - like, I wouldn't have to go to the funeral, and that I could 'say goodbye' at a Chapel of Rest without them being there, etc.

Anyway, that's not a problem just yet...I rang my Dad this morning, and he's had the scan. They can't find anything at all wrong (that would show up on a scan, anyway). They think it might be gallstones, now. He said that yesterday when the doctors did their rounds, they just mumbled about him at the end of his bed, and moved off, without talking to him. So, I've told him to be more of an assertive patient today, and to tell the nurse who is responsible for his ward, before the doctors get there, that he expects to get the chance to discuss how he is with the doctors.

Doctors. Grrr!


Janet

[Ami]

If they are not "worried', that is good. I am so happy that whatever it was seems to have receded. If he drinks alot,it could have just been an inflammation of the pancreas,which got better on it's own.
   I am so  happy that he seems to be at the tail end of the problem, though.
   Janet,there is no rule about going to funerals,or anything else. YOU can make the rules. We don't give ourselves enough permisiion to make our own rules.
  Funerals are for the living, anyway. Your F will not know,so I would not go,if it were me.
 Anyway, compost for the veggies  what seems like  should go in the garden -HUH?               Love      Ami

(((((((((((((((((((((Janet))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[JanetLG]

Ami,

Yes, that's what I think. He's been in hospital for 5 days before they bother doing any tests - so are they surprised they can't find what's wrong? Five days is enough for it to get better on its own. Also, he's been on antibiotics for five days now, too, so they should have been working.

As to funerals, I agree with you - funerals are for the living, and I think I'd prefer to have my own 'ceremony' of some kind, on my own, to honour his life, rather than go and be with the N's, get really stressed, and probably have a screaming match.


Janet

[Ami]

It always seemed "dumb" to me that people would go to a funeral to honor the person who died b/c that person does not know. I can understand going to honor the 'living" family--but not the dead person. That is just my take on it             love   Ami