I am the adult child of an N father who is also a violent alcoholic. My mother was emotionally abusive but not a "N"--just emotionally absent and rejecting. My entire family is dotted with this N characteristic, even my previous boss (who is also my cousin and life-log playmate). Recently, an old friend and employer re-entered my life on a more personal level saying that she needed my advice (why, I don't know) because she was divorcing her husband of 33 years. They are millionaires and have four kids, two of which are still at home and are 13 and 16. She has been such a comfort to me, has shown more kindness to me in recent months than I have ever had in my entire life. I have advised her and defended her as she described her husband's behavior in all too familiar terms. I have even become so angry with this man's actions that I have wanted to confront him, myself. This is a very heated and ugly divorce process as it involves money and two minor kids who absolutely hate their mother. I began questioning her after two months of believing that her kids would lighten up a little. Her kids are living with their father out of their own choice and they moved to a small, inconvenient farm house while my friend remained in the beautiful executive home in the middle of town. The first court date was postponed and was reset for August. Ironically, my friend's behavior toward me and toward the world has changed during this more relaxed buy of time.
I have had multiple relationship problems in my adult life because of various N family members and a tattered alcoholic homelife and childhood. (And then I married it!!!!! ) At any rate, I have recently cut my ties to one "N" family member who has done her best to destroy me both as my employer and my lifelong-childhood playmate and adult companion. I think we should stay away from hurtful people--I have found that I am so much better. We live in a small town and my redneck narcissist relatives hide behind every barn just waiting for supply opportunities. So, my life has prepared me to notice and also to unconciously embrace abusive people dressed in victim's clothing. But with myfriend, it took 5 months. My divorcing friend turned like a venomous snake on me last week when I very gently questioned something she had said. It was the explosive experience I knew too well and one that I could not deny. She immediately killed me with her sharp insulting words and justifications only to turn around and make the whole thing my fault. Typical. She had been playing a game with me this whole time, buttering me up and using my own experiences to describe her husband to other people in order to make him look bad. I have contributed to her game and have indirectly supported an abusive parent. This is why the children HATE her. The daughter adamently and clearly informed me that her father had not influenced her hatred toward the mother. But she was too afraid to tell me anything else. The father is claiming emotional and physical abuse to him and the children as the reason for his objection to joint custody. My friend claims that he tried to drive her crazy--"crazy making." I now believe she hijacked that term from the internet. All of this has gotten me down. I don't know what to do. I don't trust the husband, either based on his behavior toward me and others in past times. He is an arrogant snob who barely acknowledged my presence and skirted my initiations to be social. He has rigidly high standards for his kids and employees and is just as sharp tongued as his wife when he is threatened. So, what i want to know is if two "N" parents can actually be married for 30 years without a murder taking place and if so, what happens to those kids--in terms of emotional damage? Also, is it possible for the father to simply be an arrogant asshole who loves his children and is the lesser of the evils? He has also bought two of the kids brand new expensive cars and has lavished them with other very elaborate material things. To me, this looks like a form of manipulation because it is out of character for him. He is a selfish cheapscate normally. So, will somebody please tell me what they think about this situation and what I should do about what I now know about the mother? I am afraid of her. She has taken me for the biggest ride i have ever experienced and is doing it to others as well. I know that she cares nothing for the kids and that she only wants to feel better about herself in getting joint custody. I know this kind of abuse and it has destroyed the best part of my life. I want to vanish from the sitaution but i think that the younger kids may be in trouble in the long run. The oldest one tried to kill herself last year--she is 19. I was told that the sucide attempt was a result of the husband's emotional abuse. Because he is so unlikable, all of this stuff is easy to believe--until she showed me her flipside and disposed of me like yesterday's garbage. She came over days later with a forced apology so strained that I found myself helping her say the words just to move her on out of my house quickly. She is afraid of what i will tellpeople--that's the only reason I got the apology. I am really not emotionally stable enough to be in the middle of this. But if i can help the two younger kids avoid further abuse, I am obligated to try. I just don't know how to define it or what to make of it in terms of my own role and responsibility. The father is really concerned about losing half his money--I don't trust his motivations but the kids clearly would rather be with him.
So what should I do or at least give input, please.
