I got back from my trip.
I had some HUGE insights
Last year ,we went away for the same weekend(Parents weekend at my son's school). So,I could see the difference in me from last year(just started the board) and this year( have had the board for about a year).
I could really see a difference in co dependence. Last year,I thought that my value came from the outside(to a large extent).I thought that if I looked good and could get people to like me that equaled that I had value. This year,I could see that it was "silly". I see myself with all my flaws. How silly is it to ask another person with all their flaws to "define" me?.I could see that it was an "unworkable" idea.
Also, Last year,I always had the feeling that my M was with me( as a ghost). I read on the PTSD website that people often feel that the "ghosts" of their old trauma are still with them.
Last night ,I felt very 'alone".I was really hurting b/c I saw the world totally "differently".I was not in the bubble of craziness where my M was with me. Also, in that bubble,I had to get approval from other people . I had abandoned myself and so I was looking to the outside for approval.
I was less fearful( somewhat-).I was less fearful in the car etc.
When we were driving up, my H asked me for a "second chance". He really seemed to "get it".It felt like a real apology==not an N apology.That was all that I wanted---him to get it.
With my M ,she does not 'get it" so it is a" dead end" type of relationship.You cannot get close to s/one who does not "get it". If you do, they will "bite you" (and then blame you-- if they are an N)
I was upset about one thing, though. My S(younger) has bad thinking(self defeating ). He is blaming himself that he couldn't make the family 'right". It is translating to his thinking that he is "no good".
They have a priest at the school who has very good sense so he is going to see him. All my S really needs(IMO) is to face that he(my son) was not responsible for the family craziness( as I have been facing with regard to my M)
I almost forgot an important thing.I woke up today and I realized s/thing really big.I got it 'in the heart" that I had believed that I did not deserve my "place" on this earth. I got it that I believed that I did not deserve to "live' b/c I couldn't make it 'right" with my M. I don't know exactly HOW I shifted,but I did.I feel 'real" or very,very close to it..I feel very close to the belief that I have a right to a place on this earth .. My M "destroyed"my inner core and trust in myself the way that you would "bomb' a city and it would be "rubble"
I was destroyed to the level of rubble and I believed her.. I saw that the root of many of my problems was the simple decision to "give up" my "space" in this world.
I 'moved" over so s/one else could take it.
Part of my realizing this were Amber's posts on Twiggy. We helped each other and together we got great insights(life changing--IMO)
This was a HUGE shift.I have to thank the board for all that you have given me. When we got to my son's school, my H said, "Do you want me to find you a computer so you can go on your website?"
It reminded me of Janet's H saying the same thing to her.
Just knowing that you guys are here gives me strength to grow.
Next time,I will bring you to the dentist--bleh Love Ami
