Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
N mother as vampire
Michelle:
Hi Morgan -
I am totally shocked about your mother's behavior. Since I first read the thread, it has been in the back of my mind and I have been really trying to figure this whole "vampirism" thing out. Crazy!
It really opens my eyes to a lot of things my mother has done to me in the past. She too is a "smothery" hugger - she hugs you so tight that you can't breathe - like she is squeezing the life out of you or something. She has never bitten me, but one of the weird things she does is pat me on the bottom occasionally which I have always been very uncomfortable with and just thought to be weird. Not in a sexual way, but kind of like you would a baby when your giving them a big hug and pat their diaper - like a pat pat pat - type thing. She hasn't done that in a couple years to me now (I think I gave her a go to h*ll look that gave her the message or something - can't remember exactly) but your post made me think of that.
It's totally unacceptable that your mom bit you and soooooooooo strange!!!!! Wow vampirism huh. This is a great thread filled with lots of great insight and info. Thanks for raising this topic.
Michelle :)
Anonymous:
--- Quote from: Anonymous ---So why would she want to become me if to her I am the receptacle for bad feelings? Doesn’t she have to keep me separate from her to keep those feelings away from her? At the same time, of course, she says she “understands” me better than my siblings, and likes to spend time with me more than with them, and for a while she even claimed that we were linked telepathically (I would phone her and she would say, “I knew you were going to call, I was just thinking about you” -- yeah, sure.) Or is the clingy stuff all just window-dressing to keep me around so she can feel good and I can feel bad? I find it very confusing.
--- End quote ---
When a parent uses us as a receptacle for their "bad" feelings, they need us around. Otherwise they have nowhere to put the feelings. It's like needing a wastebasket in a room. The clingy behavior sounds like "splitting" where she oscillates back and forth between rejection and smothering.
--- Quote from: Anonymous ---I sometimes think I will welcome her death, but then I read books that say if I don’t resolve my relationship with her it will dog me for the rest of my life even after she is dead.
--- End quote ---
I don't agree with these books....many relationships simply can't be resolved. Especially with parents. The relationship might be "better understood" but probably not resolved. And frankly I think everyone will be relieved when this woman is deceased.
bunny
October:
--- Quote from: Michelle ---She too is a "smothery" hugger - she hugs you so tight that you can't breathe - like she is squeezing the life out of you or something.
Michelle :)
--- End quote ---
On the rare occasions when my dad or younger brother hug me, that is how they do it. Very uncomfortable. Fortunately with dad it is very rare - twice in the past 12 years. (Twice to many - :lol: )
On the other hand, I have a dear friend who I hug sometimes - not often because I am not good with being touched at all - but he is always gentle, and if I don't want a big hug, he keeps away, and if I am fine, so is he. He makes the hug into the kind I can cope with, by being aware of how I am, and what I can manage.
I think the difference is that the N and connected people take a hug. Friends give one. That makes a huge difference!!!!!!!!!
Cathy
Anonymous:
Michelle – I like your image of “squeezing the life out of you!” It has occurred to me that these new, clingy hugs from my mother are an attempt to absorb my life energy – that she feels she is getting old and losing her grip, and she’s trying to hang on to me because I’m still strong (or maybe drag me down with her!!). I’ve also wondered if she is regressing, and this is like a child hiding it’s face against its parent for comfort so it doesn’t have to deal with the world. Either way I don’t want to play the role she’s assigned me!
Cathy, your comment re taking hugs versus giving them is exactly right. I also admire you for insisting on the truth with your mother. You obviously went through a very bad time with your marriage and the rejection and criticism of your family – and are still living without support from them. I hope that in spite of that life is better for your and your daughters now. “Evil old witch” sounds about right for her headstone!
Thank you for explaining the scapegoat role for me. It is tremendously helpful. I am also the middle child in my family. I believe my mother uses me to avoid having to feel or acknowledge unpleasant feelings like fear, lack of confidence, failure and anxiety. She always insisted that she was confident, successful and adventurous. In some ways, she was. She has had responsible jobs, and, as far as I know, done okay in them. But she also rewrites history to make herself look better than she is. She likes to see herself as unconventional, when in many ways she has lived a pretty conventional life. And she was canny enough, the second time around, to marry a man who takes care of her by handling their finances, etc., which makes her look good (i.e., successful) even though he does the work. Meanwhile, beginning when I was a child, I often felt scared and timid and anxious, and didn’t think I was very good at anything, even though I now realize that was not true.
I guess one of the things I find confusing is that she has had some success in her life. It’s not as if she’s a blatant failure who thinks she’s on top of the world, or someone who is totally isolated and unable to function socially. It’s just that everything gets reinterpreted to make it look better than it is. And somehow conversations seem to end up being about her.
I have to confess that I am struggling with this. I read you and Bunny’s posts and thought, Yes, the scapegoating idea makes sense. But when I sit down and try to analyze my relationship with my mother on these terms I get confused and can’t seem to think straight about it. I FEEL as though this is what happened, but find it hard to nail down more than a few concrete examples of the scapegoating actually happening. Maybe it’s because much of it seems to have somehow been unspoken – or maybe the patterns were set so early in my life that I wasn’t even conscious of it. But not being able to nail it down makes me lose confidence in my feelings – I think, No, I’m making this up, she’s not that bad, I’m demonizing her, and then I start to feel guilty about saying all this stuff. Then I feel depressed – that I’m a bad person who’s blaming my problems on her instead of dealing with them myself.
I will have to think some more about this.
Bunny, where can I learn more about “splitting” – oscillating between rejection and smothering?
Thanks and warm wishes to all of you –
Morgan
October:
--- Quote from: Anonymous ---
I guess one of the things I find confusing is that she has had some success in her life.
No, I’m making this up, she’s not that bad, I’m demonizing her, and then I start to feel guilty about saying all this stuff. Then I feel depressed – that I’m a bad person who’s blaming my problems on her instead of dealing with them myself.
I will have to think some more about this.
Morgan
--- End quote ---
(((((Morgan))))
It is the hardest thing in the world to analyse your own relationships from the inside. I have spent a lot of time over the past few years doing this, and it is incredibly difficult and almost impossible on your own, without people around you to say, keep going, and no you are not making it up, and no it is not you.
I find it easier to start with my siblings, because it is possible to have more objectivity there, and also to have love for both sides. I started there, and found that the behaviours were not acceptable. Or, in other words, if anyone tried those behaviours with my daughter I would prevent them. I moved on to things done to me, and found the same. It was hard to see, and I still try not to think about the pain caused, but it is there. And everything that was there 35 years ago is still there.
When looking at your own relationships with your mother, you may well tend to have less love for yourself than you will need for this kind of analysis, and this is shown in your ending up by blaming yourself for what happened, or for being suspicious or whatever.
If I had any faith at all in therapists I would advise you not doing this on your own, but I have been on my own for years now as one therapist after another comes and goes, and never stays very long because NHS provision for my situation is always fleeting and transitory. Often it does more harm than good.
So, assuming that like me you have no alternative, take it slowly, and look at how your mother interacts with everyone around her. Is there anyone who she is genuinely glad to see, and whose welfare she puts before her own?? Is there anyone she would put before herself, given the choice?? Does she like surprises?? Does she think of you, and does she love you?? Can she laugh at herself, and not just at other people??
You say she has success in her life - is it enough for her?? Does she look back on a life well spent, and a family around her to be proud of, or are there always half hinted regrets and hidden resentments??
Just a few areas to think about, but take it slowly, and at your own pace.
Cathy
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