N mother as vampire

[Anonymous]

Cathy (October) recently made an insightful comment on the thread “Returned Mother’s Day card” about N’s feelings being a kind of vampirism.

My mother is an N who has always told me that she “understands” me better than my siblings and feels closer to me. She has projected feelings onto me and used me for her own emotional purposes since I was a child. When I was finally able to stand up to her and cut off contact with her for a couple of years, she sent me letters saying that my not speaking to her made her feel as though her hand had been cut off.

She is getting older and has some memory problems that I believe have reduced her social inhibitions (controls on her behavior). Recently she and my stepfather were visiting me and my H. She has started hugging me in a more clingy, childish way than she used to, snuggling against me and burying her face in my shoulder. Since I don’t like her touching me, this makes me very uncomfortable and I separate from her as soon as I can. When she was going to bed, she came over to kiss me goodnight, and I let her. She kissed me several times, and then BIT ME ON THE CHEEK! I was stunned. I pulled away from her sharply and said, “What was that!!??” She said, “It was a love bite.” I said, “Well, I don’t like it!”  She went to bed. I was terribly shaken up, and felt sick. I talked to my H about it later, but had trouble sleeping. Fortunately she didn’t actually draw blood and the mark went away fairly quickly.

My stepfather saw what happened, and the next morning my mother came down and apologized for biting me (even writing that looks weird!) I’m certain he told her she had to apologize. She said, “I shouldn’t have done that.” But as they were leaving (when my stepfather was already in the car and couldn’t hear her) she said, “You know that proves how much I love you. It means I want to take a piece of you home with me.”

She has always tried to invade my boundaries, but I am horrified by her belief that “loving” me equals consuming me. It's sick. She has e-mailed that they want to visit again, and I am feeling very negative about seeing her, don’t want her to touch me, and am very worried about other ways she may behave if she felt free not only to do this, but to try to justify it. I know she is incapable of understanding how I feel. On the other hand, these may be the first signs of senility. I feel guilty about rejecting her if her mind is going. I'd appreciate any suggestions on how to handle this.

Morgan

[ellen]

Your story reminds me of when I was working with a schizophrenic lady. Her boyfriend had left her and she went into an episode. She kept saying "my arm is broken, my arm is broken" and it made perfect sense to me because she wanted to reach out (to him or feelings of pain, who knows?) and now felt that she couldn't. Instead, she spoke symbolically.

Anyway, my point is that these conditions can sometimes lead to a view of the raw underbelly of a situation and person's internal world. Yes, it may senility, but its also an unedited view of your mother's boundaries with you. She bit you. Period. Because on some level she knows she can. You know its purely a seniltiy thing if she's also biting tellers at the bank, neighbors, etc. If not, you've gotten a view of her mentality re: respect for her an adult child, uncut.

Have you ever had a dog? You know how sometimes they nip at your heels when they know they can? Its kind of the same thing- you have to lay down the law, hard. Tell her "I know you love me, but biting me is not ok". I would do that, especially if senility is at play, because thats how you'd talk to a child without established boundaries too, and senility can be a form of regression.

It symbolic what she did and its real important that you don't feel being pulled into a black hole, regardless of age. Be true to your feelings, because unless she is doing it to all, its incredibly personal and a dominance behavior.

[Portia]

Morgan, I’m shocked at your being bitten. And when you say

I feel guilty about rejecting her if her mind is going.

I want to say, why should you feel guilty? Your mind isn’t going and your mind is the one that will be worse affected by her behaviour. If she is declining into some sort of dementia, in my view, it can be nature’s way of helping us shut down from the unpleasantness of the present. Some people seem to revert a lot in dementia to their past. If her mind is going it is not necessarily painful to her – it can be more painful to those around her. Whatever, you don’t have to change your life if her mind is going.

I’m sorry, if you’ve talked about your stepfather before, I can’t remember but I want to ask, can you enlist his help here? You don’t have to cope with this alone. Can you tell him you don’t like her hugging (and biting you) and can he help you stop her doing this? You say he saw what happened – didn’t he mention it? Her behaviour with you is not acceptable under any conditions!

Ellen I liked you saying it’s dominance behaviour. I wouldn’t have seen that but yes, it’s that basic I guess. Take care Morgan. P

[October]

Cathy (October) recently made an insightful comment on the thread “Returned Mother’s Day card” about N’s feelings being a kind of vampirism.

My mother is an N who has always told me that she “understands” me better than my siblings and feels closer to me. She has projected feelings onto me and used me for her own emotional purposes since I was a child. When I was finally able to stand up to her and cut off contact with her for a couple of years, she sent me letters saying that my not speaking to her made her feel as though her hand had been cut off.

She has started hugging me in a more clingy, childish way than she used to, snuggling against me and burying her face in my shoulder. Since I don’t like her touching me, this makes me very uncomfortable and I separate from her as soon as I can. When she was going to bed, she came over to kiss me goodnight, and I let her. She kissed me several times, and then BIT ME ON THE CHEEK! I was stunned. I pulled away from her sharply and said, “What was that!!??” She said, “It was a love bite.” I said, “Well, I don’t like it!”  She went to bed. I was terribly shaken up, and felt sick.

But as they were leaving (when my stepfather was already in the car and couldn’t hear her) she said, “You know that proves how much I love you. It means I want to take a piece of you home with me.”

She has always tried to invade my boundaries, but I am horrified by her belief that “loving” me equals consuming me. It's sick.

Morgan

I'm sorry, but I do not see this behaviour as indicative of senility.  If this lady were becoming senile, she would not be able to pick and choose her timing, as she does.  She would tend to bite or cuddle or hug, and say things about taking you home with her, all the time, not just at carefully chosen times for her.

I think you are right to say that this is about boundaries, and you are also right to be horrified by this.  I have an eleven year old daughter, and once in a while if we are playing games, I pretend to bite her and 'eat her up', but it is not anything like really biting.  It is kissing by another name, and she squeals and laughs.  If she were uncomfortable I would not do it, and even as it is we very rarely play in this way.  

For a grown woman to do this to her adult daughter is just beyond belief.  For one thing, I cannot touch my mum.  Just can't bear the thought of it.  The idea of the kind of cuddles you describe is bad enough, but the biting thing is just gruesome.

If you look at studies of ritual cannibalism, you find that the purpose behind the eating of other people is generally not the satiating of hunger.  Generally the peoples who practiced this had plenty of alternatives to eating flesh, and chose to do it in order to assimilate some characteristic of the person being eaten.  Often the part that they ate was symbolic of this in some way.  

I suspect that your mother's behaviour is, as you suspect, an attempt to possess you more fully, or even to become you.  She even admits this in saying she wants to take you home with her.  There is no consideration for your point of view, or recognition that you are a person separate from her.  I have this problem too.  I am invisible to my parents except as an extension of their own psyches.  

This behaviour is totally unacceptable, and she kind of half knows that and is ashamed to talk about it in front of your step father.  You will probably find that the next stage is denial; either it didn't happen or you are overreacting or else it was a joke.  Anything other than facing the reality of what has happened.

My own reaction to this would be to talk about it when discussing her next visit.  Tell her you are not happy with her touching you too much, or with her biting you, and that you therefore prefer not to see her.  Make it clear that it is totally inappropriate for her to assault you in this way, and that you will bring charges against her with the police if she does it again.

That should make her think twice.

Good luck.

Cathy

[Anonymous]

Morgan,

Let's say your mom is becoming demented. And her biting is a symptom of diminishing social inhibitions. That STILL doesn't mean you have to tolerate it or allow her access to you physically. It means you may need to be MORE SELF-PROTECTIVE because she is becoming dangerously aggressive. Dementia isn't a license to harm other people.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much for all your insight and comments.

Ellen – Everything you say makes great sense to me – in fact you sound as though you work professionally with people with mental health problems!  I do feel that the bite was absolutely an unedited, primal view of her lack of boundaries with me. Your comment that it is dominance behavior, and symbolic, really struck a chord. It has made me start to reassess a lot of my interaction with her. I’ve always thought of her boundary invasions as a neediness on her part – like that she “needs” to know that she can walk into my house at any time without knocking, presumably because she is insecure. But it could also be interpreted as an act of dominance – like a dog marking its territory. Maybe they’re two sides of the same coin, but one tends to lead to me tolerating her behavior, or dealing with it indirectly, like locking the door so she has to knock, while the other makes me feel that I should be up front about setting limits a lot more. Thanks for that crucial insight.

I am not absolutely certain about the question of whether I’m the only one she has bitten – my stepfather has so far refused to talk about her mental problems, although my H and I have offered to discuss it. I think we will have to push harder with him. My sister did say she had seen my mother slap my stepfather, which she would not have done in the past, and which adds to my feeling that she is in the first stages of senility.

Portia – thanks for your support. I agree that her behavior is not acceptable. I guess the distinction for me is that if she had done this when I knew for sure her brain was working normally, I would feel freer to react as one adult to another, and probably with some anger.  If she’s becoming senile, I think I would feel guilty if I got angry – I would see it more as setting limits for a child.  Re my stepfather, he didn’t say anything to me when it happened, but I am absolutely certain that he told her she had to apologize to me the next morning. I know this because she never apologizes about anything unless forced to. As I said above, my stepfather won’t talk about it at the moment, but I think the time is coming when he’s going to have to.

Cathy – I agree with all your comments, except that I think senility is part of the problem. No, she’s not totally senile yet – she can carry on a conversation and write a letter and drive a car. She knew enough when it happened to make excuses for herself and hide things from my stepfather. And I won’t be at all surprised if she denies doing it or makes a joke of it – she’s done that in the past. However, my H and I have started to notice that she’s not so good at following an argument any more – I think she’s actually losing her ability to reason.

I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one who hates being touched by my mother. I wish now that I had expressed my feelings about it a lot sooner. I have tolerated her hugging and kissing me because I didn’t want to deal with her reaction if I refused – another neediness vs. dominance question!  Also, in many ways she has been the “nice narcissist” mentioned on another thread, and I was always uncertain about my feelings because everyone thought she was such a wonderful person, and because she would deny any wrongdoing when I tried to confront her.

I was fascinated by your comments about ritual cannibalism. Will have to think about this some more.
 
I have been talking to my H about telling her and my stepfather we don’t want them to visit.  I’m feeling it would be a good first step in confronting some of these issues with her or my stepfather, or both of them.

Bunny, you’re right that I have to become more self-protective. In fact, I have a terrible feeling that if she does deterioriate further she could become nasty and dangerous. I suspect that under all that wonderfulness there’s a lot of anger. If that starts to come out, I think it’s going to be pretty bad.

I can't tell you how helpful all your comments are. It means so much in this bizarre situation to be able to share it with people who have a clue what I'm talking about.

Morgan

[Anonymous]

Morgan,

I once attended a support group for relatives of Alzheimer sufferers (my late FIL had Alzheimer's). Some of the group members shared that their demented parents and spouses had become violent. They became so dangerous that they couldn't live with them anymore. Also, there is CONFABULATION. This is when the demented person makes up outlandish excuses to cover up for their bizarre behavior. You may want to look into such a support group; hospitals often have them.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Hi Morgan,

Just joining the thread now although I had read it earlier...how awkward and awful.  I just wanted to add that whether your mother is dominating or needy, it is still about her getting her needs met in a way that is inappropriate, and it makes you very uncomfortable.  I would also like to second the opinion that you are entitled to act out of self-protection.  

In my experiences with my NSIL, the bottom line was that I considered her a danger to my children.  I am not exaggerating.  It is my duty to protect my kids.  It is my brother's decision of what to do about the mental health of those in his home.  

The phrase I hear when deciding to institutionalize Alzheimer patients or the like is "are they a danger to themselves or others?".  You may or may not be able to influence your stepfather in this regard because he has to be able to live with any decision of what to do with his wife.  But definitely set boundaries for your exposure to her.  

This sounds awfully difficult.  I wish you the best of luck in sorting it out.  Seeker

[Anonymous]

Bunny – I appreciate the suggestion of an Alzheimer’s support group. I am going to look into it. I think I need to prepare myself to deal with what may be down the road. When I think about it now, I’m staggered that my mother actually came up with a justification for biting – I mean, HOW CAN YOU JUSTIFY THAT? I think I didn’t feel shocked at the time because she has always bent reality to suit her needs, especially to build up her grandiose image of herself. But if you look at it cold, she is “confabulating” already.

Seeker, I agree that the protection of your children comes before everything else. I have a feeling that it’s going to be very hard for my stepfather to make a decision if my mother becomes dangerous to herself or others. He is incredibly loyal and hard working. Also, she has said many times that she WILL NOT go into a nursing home (this was before anyone thought there might be a need).  She may have been thinking of her own mother, who became senile and just about killed my grandfather before she was finally put in a home. Even then he visited her every single day.  

I have been thinking more about all your comments, especially Cathy’s.

If you look at studies of ritual cannibalism, you find that the purpose behind the eating of other people is generally not the satiating of hunger. Generally the peoples who practiced this had plenty of alternatives to eating flesh, and chose to do it in order to assimilate some characteristic of the person being eaten. Often the part that they ate was symbolic of this in some way.

I suspect that your mother's behaviour is, as you suspect, an attempt to possess you more fully, or even to become you. She even admits this in saying she wants to take you home with her. There is no consideration for your point of view, or recognition that you are a person separate from her. I have this problem too. I am invisible to my parents except as an extension of their own psyches.    

The idea that my mother wants to possess me or become me feels right to me. But when I think about it I am always stopped by the fact the she often seems to have used me as a place to locate her negative feelings. She has told me many times that when I was born I looked like a spider (apparently I was a long, thin baby and had a lot of black hair), which is a pretty ugly image. She criticized me frequently as a child for various failings – mostly to do with not living up to her standards, and I have realized that I grew up with a lot of fears that she claimed she never had – I got to feel them and she didn’t.  So why would she want to become me if to her I am the receptacle for bad feelings? Doesn’t she have to keep me separate from her to keep those feelings away from her? At the same time, of course, she says she “understands” me better than my siblings, and likes to spend time with me more than with them, and for a while she even claimed that we were linked telepathically (I would phone her and she would say, “I knew you were going to call, I was just thinking about you” -- yeah, sure.)  Or is the clingy stuff all just window-dressing to keep me around so she can feel good and I can feel bad? I find it very confusing.

Cathy, I’m sorry you also feel invisible to your parents. How do you deal with it? I am sick of it – the feeling that she simply doesn’t see who I am, and that any attempt on my part to communicate anything negative about her is met by denial, denial, denial, or anger, or blank incomprehension. I sometimes think I will welcome her death, but then I read books that say if I don’t resolve my relationship with her it will dog me for the rest of my life even after she is dead. There is certainly no hope of a resolution that involves any understanding or change on her part, because she’s incapable of it, and becoming more so every day. So it's up to me. I guess recognizing that is a good first step.

Warm thoughts to all of you –

Morgan

[October]

The idea that my mother wants to possess me or become me feels right to me. But when I think about it I am always stopped by the fact the she often seems to have used me as a place to locate her negative feelings.

So why would she want to become me if to her I am the receptacle for bad feelings?

Cathy, I’m sorry you also feel invisible to your parents. How do you deal with it?

Hiya Morgan

How do I deal with my mother?  I visit maybe once or twice a week, because she lives  not far from here, with my dad, and I sit and have a cup of tea with them, and then I leave.  If I have anything to say I tell my dad, and she listens and absorbs every word, and can't wait to be off and tell everyone she knows all the latest news.  She loves information, and hates to be the last to hear anything.  She never lets anyone read a paper before her.  Lol!!

And I think I am soooo lucky not to be still living with them.  She talks and talks if I am not there, but when I am in the room she mostly keeps quiet, because - she would say - I snap at her for no reason.  In reality, I do  not snap, but I do point out to her and anyone else around if a lie happens to pop into the room from her direction.  I say 'I don't think that is true, is it?' and I give evidence if I can think of any.  So she goes silent, and blanks me out, and puts on  her martyred face.  

She thinks I will understand her when she is dead.  She is rather looking forward to having her revenge as I sob over her corpse, and finally realise that I had the mother to end all mothers, but never knew it.  This image makes me laugh out loud.  And makes me want to cry.  But I don't cry.

I personally think she has been dead for a long time.  I think of her as the Living Dead, with no life or identity of her own, and having to live through other people to achieve life at all.  I am sure I will be sorry and grieve when she does die, but to be honest, my mother died a long time ago - at the point where I realised the lie.  At the point where I needed love and support because my marriage was failing, and got only criticism, rejection and hatred.  My closest family had confrontations with me for not getting rid of my ex sooner, and made ultimatums to me.  All prompted by her, but of course she didn't do the confronting.  I had to stand up to them and challenge them to do their worst, simply because the timing had to be mine, for my sake and my daughters, but they couldn't see that.

Anyway, best not go there.  My brothers still buy into the lie, although part of them knows the truth as well as I do.  Strange to see them denying their own reality, in order to protect mum from having to see hers.

OK, finally the first bit about the scapegoat.  This is complicated, as you say.  I am my family scapegoat, and my nephew is the next generation.  It is clear as day.  We are both middle children of three.  Neither the oldest (brutalised) nor the youngest (spoiled), we become the sacrificial victim.  

As you know, in ancient Hebrew society, the idea of the scapegoat was to ritually cleanse the tribe of its sins.  These were all conveniently transferred to the poor old goat, which was then cast out into the desert to die.  This left the tribe clean and pure to carry on with whatever sins they fancied until next time.  It also conveniently absolved them of responsibility for anything that had happened, and drew a nice little line under it.  This is a hugely powerful metaphor.

Similarly with us.  Thinking of my ex and his drinking, if it was my fault that he drank, then he could safely carry on doing it, and blaming me.  If I were different, he would not do it, but because I was there, he was allowed.  So I enabled him to drink, simply by being alive.  This might give us the clue to this strange question, if I am so bad, why am I special??

At the point where I stopped playing his game, and saying no, drinking is absolutely not acceptable in this house, I became a bitch and a lot more, and that gave him even more reason to say I drove him to it.  His parents still say 'D isn't an alcoholic', and 'all men like a drink now and then', and still subscribe to the view that the marriage failed because I was not tolerant enough, and that if he has a drink, who can blame him after living with me.

To both D and his parents this view of me as the wicked ex wife is necessary in order to not have to face the fact that he is an alcoholic, and that they have never allowed  him to grow up and learn to face his responsibilities in life.  By blaming me, they are left in their own cosy little world of lies and denial, and they have no responsibility whatever to face up to in terms of changing their own behaviours.

I think this is why Ns and other PDs need scapegoats, and why to an N a scapegoat may become quite a special person.  At some level they recognise the deep interrelationship between the object and their own self.

I think with your mother she can see the reality of who you are; young, beautiful, successful, and identifies those bits as 'hers'.  At the same time she projects all the nasty stuff about herself onto you, in order not to have to deal with it, but in the process she develops a deep need for you.  If you were not there, she would have a lot of unpleasant stuff to deal with for herself.  This deep need is what she calls 'love'.  It is what I came to view in my ex as paracitism, and it gave me the creeps.  It is not love.  Love is about giving and sharing.  Love is not about taking, although it may be about allowing yourself to receive.

My mum does not get this from me any more, but she has plenty of other suppliers so she is fine.  My brothers.  Her grandchildren.  Anyone else she can find, but the children are best.  They don't think for themselves, and as she knows, if she gets them young enough, they never will.

Here's a funny thought.  Wicked though.  Do you think I will get away with having 'Evil old witch' put on her tombstone?  Lol!!!!!!

Hope that helps.

Cathy

[Michelle]

Hi Morgan -

I am totally shocked about your mother's behavior.  Since I first read the thread, it has been in the back of my mind and I have been really trying to figure this whole "vampirism" thing out.  Crazy!

It really opens my eyes to a lot of things my mother has done to me in the past.  She too is a "smothery" hugger - she hugs you so tight that you can't breathe - like she is squeezing the life out of you or something.  She has never bitten me, but one of the weird things she does is pat me on the bottom occasionally which I have always been very uncomfortable with and just thought to be weird.  Not in a sexual way, but kind of like you would a baby when your giving them a big hug and pat their diaper - like a pat pat pat - type thing.  She hasn't done that in a couple years to me now (I think I gave her a go to h*ll look that gave her the message or something - can't remember exactly) but your post made me think of that.

It's totally unacceptable that your mom bit you and soooooooooo strange!!!!!  Wow vampirism huh.  This is a great thread filled with lots of great insight and info.  Thanks for raising this topic.

Michelle  

[Anonymous]

So why would she want to become me if to her I am the receptacle for bad feelings? Doesn’t she have to keep me separate from her to keep those feelings away from her? At the same time, of course, she says she “understands” me better than my siblings, and likes to spend time with me more than with them, and for a while she even claimed that we were linked telepathically (I would phone her and she would say, “I knew you were going to call, I was just thinking about you” -- yeah, sure.)  Or is the clingy stuff all just window-dressing to keep me around so she can feel good and I can feel bad? I find it very confusing.

When a parent uses us as a receptacle for their "bad" feelings, they need us around. Otherwise they have nowhere to put the feelings. It's like needing a wastebasket in a room. The clingy behavior sounds like "splitting" where she oscillates back and forth between rejection and smothering.

I sometimes think I will welcome her death, but then I read books that say if I don’t resolve my relationship with her it will dog me for the rest of my life even after she is dead.

I don't agree with these books....many relationships simply can't be resolved. Especially with parents. The relationship might be "better understood" but probably not resolved. And frankly I think everyone will be relieved when this woman is deceased.

bunny

[October]

She too is a "smothery" hugger - she hugs you so tight that you can't breathe - like she is squeezing the life out of you or something.  
Michelle  

On the rare occasions when my dad or younger brother hug me, that is how they do it.  Very uncomfortable.  Fortunately with dad it is very rare - twice in the past 12 years.  (Twice to many -   )

On the other hand, I have a dear friend who I hug sometimes - not often because I am not good with being touched at all - but he is always gentle, and if I don't want a big hug, he keeps away, and if I am fine, so is he.  He makes the hug into the kind I can cope with, by being aware of how I am, and what I can manage.

I think the difference is that the N and connected people take a hug.  Friends give one.  That makes a huge difference!!!!!!!!!

Cathy

[Anonymous]

Michelle – I like your image of “squeezing the life out of you!” It has occurred to me that these new, clingy hugs from my mother are an attempt to absorb my life energy – that she feels she is getting old and losing her grip, and she’s trying to hang on to me because I’m still strong (or maybe drag me down with her!!).  I’ve also wondered if she is regressing, and this is like a child hiding it’s face against its parent for comfort so it doesn’t have to deal with the world. Either way I don’t want to play the role she’s assigned me!

Cathy, your comment re taking hugs versus giving them is exactly right. I also admire you for insisting on the truth with your mother. You obviously went through a very bad time with your marriage and the rejection and criticism of your family – and are still living without support from them. I hope that in spite of that life is better for your and your daughters now.  “Evil old witch” sounds about right for her headstone!

Thank you for explaining the scapegoat role for me. It is tremendously helpful. I am also the middle child in my family. I believe my mother uses me to avoid having to feel or acknowledge unpleasant feelings like fear, lack of confidence, failure and anxiety. She always insisted that she was confident, successful and adventurous. In some ways, she was. She has had responsible jobs, and, as far as I know, done okay in them. But she also rewrites history to make herself look better than she is. She likes to see herself as unconventional, when in many ways she has lived a pretty conventional life. And she was canny enough, the second time around, to marry a man who takes care of her by handling their finances, etc., which makes her look good (i.e., successful) even though he does the work. Meanwhile, beginning when I was a child, I often felt scared and timid and anxious, and didn’t think I was very good at anything, even though I now realize that was not true.  

I guess one of the things I find confusing is that she has had some success in her life. It’s not as if she’s a blatant failure who thinks she’s on top of the world, or someone who is totally isolated and unable to function socially. It’s just that everything gets reinterpreted to make it look better than it is. And somehow conversations seem to end up being about her.

I have to confess that I am struggling with this. I read you and Bunny’s posts and thought, Yes, the scapegoating idea makes sense. But when I sit down and try to analyze my relationship with my mother on these terms I get confused and can’t seem to think straight about it. I FEEL as though this is what happened, but find it hard to nail down more than a few concrete examples of the scapegoating actually happening. Maybe it’s because much of it seems to have somehow been unspoken – or maybe the patterns were set so early in my life that I wasn’t even conscious of it. But not being able to nail it down makes me lose confidence in my feelings –  I think, No, I’m making this up, she’s not that bad, I’m demonizing her, and then I start to feel guilty about saying all this stuff.  Then I feel depressed – that I’m a bad person who’s blaming my problems on her instead of dealing with them myself.

I will have to think some more about this.

Bunny, where can I learn more about “splitting” – oscillating between rejection and smothering?  

Thanks and warm wishes to all of you –

Morgan

[October]

I guess one of the things I find confusing is that she has had some success in her life.

No, I’m making this up, she’s not that bad, I’m demonizing her, and then I start to feel guilty about saying all this stuff.  Then I feel depressed – that I’m a bad person who’s blaming my problems on her instead of dealing with them myself.

I will have to think some more about this.


Morgan

(((((Morgan))))

It is the hardest thing in the world to analyse your own relationships from the inside.  I have spent a lot of time over the past few years doing this, and it is incredibly difficult and almost impossible on your own, without people around you to say, keep going, and no you are not making it up, and no it is not you.

I find it easier to start with my siblings, because it is possible to have more objectivity there, and also to have love for both sides.  I started there, and found that the behaviours were not acceptable.  Or, in other words, if anyone tried those behaviours with my daughter I would prevent them.  I moved on to things done to me, and found the same.  It was hard to see, and I still try not to think about the pain caused, but it is there.  And everything that was there 35 years ago is still there.

When looking at your own relationships with your mother, you may well tend to have less love for yourself than you will need for this kind of analysis, and this is shown in your ending up by blaming yourself for what happened, or for being suspicious or whatever.

If I had any faith at all in therapists I would advise you not doing this on your own, but I have been on my own for years now as one therapist after another comes and goes, and never stays very long because NHS provision for my situation is always fleeting and transitory.  Often it does more harm than good.

So, assuming that like me you have no alternative, take it slowly, and look at how your mother interacts with everyone around her.  Is there anyone who she is genuinely glad to see, and whose welfare she puts before her own??  Is there anyone she would put before herself, given the choice??  Does she like surprises??  Does she think of you, and does she love you??  Can she laugh at herself, and not just at other people??

You say she has success in her life - is it enough for her??  Does she look back on a life well spent, and a family around her to be proud of, or are there always half hinted regrets and hidden resentments??

Just a few areas to think about, but take it slowly, and at your own pace.

Cathy