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name-calling and proscribing child's feelings

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write:
h will say things like 'he shouldn't behave like that' or 'it's not appropriate' ( the behavipur is usually crying or frustration and whilst it's annoying it is pretty typical ) and we've had two rows recently about name-calling 'stupid'.

I come from a working class culture where name-calling and such other things* were common, so does h, but I thought we'd moved away from all that.

*shut up or I'll give you something to cry for/ now then Lady-Jane/ lazy b*gg*r/ cloth-ears/ fatso & guts/ don't turn on the waterworks/ here we go again/ you know what he's like.../ head in the clouds/ no common sense/ what's the matter with you now etc

are all phrases common to our background but the basic message is dismissiveness and loss of the child's individuality.

We keep going round in circles because whilst h intelectualises and agrees with me emotionally he's stuck in that world of flat caps and sarcasm!

I'm going to print that out and show it to him, maybe he'll recognise.

It's similar to what Patricia Evans called moving between Realities one and two.

Portia:

--- Quote ---We keep going round in circles because whilst h intelectualises and agrees with me emotionally he's stuck in that world of flat caps and sarcasm!
--- End quote ---

You mean H says one thing to you but does what he likes with son? It's not good. Why does H do it? It's so childish, like an excuse for not thinking, as though thinking is sissy and stupid in itself. Hah - pot-bank, know your place mentality. It's rubbish. Show him that! P

Learning:
Hi Write,


--- Quote ---I'm going to print that out and show it to him, maybe he'll recognise.

--- End quote ---


I have alot of experience with dealing with people who say one thing and then do another.  I must say I have never had any success with getting them to reconcile the two.  One thing that I thought I could have tried was couple therapy and I am wondering if you are doing that?  The other thing I thought of in your situation is, what if you could catch him on a recorder saying those things to your son.  That may be a futile exercise but just a thought.

Best Wishes to you!

write:
I have alot of experience with dealing with people who say one thing and then do another. I must say I have never had any success with getting them to reconcile the two.

The only way to reconcile them is to get the person to examine their underlying beliefs and to challenge them.

H and I are separated, so I've no interest in couple counselling. He's in therapy himself so maybe over time it'll get easier.

I spoke with him earlier and he's apologetic, but strong emotions bring out the most narcissistic response in him so no doubt it'll be a very long-term thing.

*sigh*

At least we're away from the old Potbank mentality Portia- last thing I need is to have him reinforced by that!

Anonymous:
write,

Possibly your husband reverts to the old working class behavior when he's under stress -- when he has difficulty managing his feelings invoked by child's distress -- and when he feels inadequate to give a child more empathy than anyone gave him as a child.

There's a great book called "Compassionate Child-Rearing" by Robert Firestone that might interest you.

bunny

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