3 Weeks and Counting

[Hopalong]

Lighter,
You are a fire hose through fog.

Tayana,
Good for you.
If M really needs his stuff, and when and ONLY when and IF you feel up to it, go out there one day while M is at school and get his stuff.

Or leave it. He'll get over it. At his age, there's always other stuff, new stuff, and his interests will change.

Lighter, if I'm ever wobbling around in a state of unreality, I hope I'll get an amazing post like that.

Tayana, if in fact your mother's cancer has recurred, at some point she'll have to go to the hospital for some sort of treatment, and that would be a good time to go out there and get whatever you've gotta get. Leave most of it behind, you probably don't really miss anything too much.

hugs
Hops

[finding peace]

Phew Lighter –  see you let go with the idiot compassion there.  (Have to come up with another word for that - just don't like the idiot part.) 

I couldn't agree more.

Tay - I am so sorry if I sound harsh - I do agree with Lighter.  I have lived it with both of my parents.  If your mother is anything like my parents, she can’t/won’t change (and she sounds so, so similar to my parents).  As long as she is in your life, the chaos will continue unabated. 

After I went NC with my NM, she had a number of accidents as well as a "cancer scare" and for each incident I got an "I could die any day e-mail."  I found the "cancer scare" especially nasty because my F died of cancer not too long ago and it was horrific (because of his behavior), which, I am certain, is why she used it.

I didn't reply, and those tactics stopped.  (Turns out she does not have cancer.)

My F was a raging N.  He was diagnosed with cancer and lived for ~3 years.  I was not NC with them at the time, but tried to maintain very limited contact.  It didn't work.  When he was diagnosed, his behavior - already impossible, became unbelievably impossible.  It was as though he believed that because he was sick he could act however he wanted - and believe me it was horrendous.  Those 3 years were the most draining years of my life.   He was so incredibly demanding.  I worked full time and am self-employed - if I don't work, I don't get paid, and I can lose contracts.  He demanded that every member of "the family" go to every single app't (and he had my mother to go with him) and every surgery no matter how far away it was or that it took me away from my young children.  He would schedule "family get-togethers" to discuss his situation and made it known that the children (his grandchildren) were not welcome.  I had a vacation scheduled at one point, and he was incensed that I did not cancel my plans so that I could go to one of his appt's.  I used to tell myself that it wouldn't last forever (i know that sounds shallow - but it was so incredibly difficult) but it lasted 3 years.  I missed one day of visiting him after he had surgery (and the hospital was 3 hours away from my home), and he raged at me for more than a week. I could go on and on....bottom line... It was ugly, horrific, and completely exhausting. 

I used to tell myself that at least in the end I could say to myself that I did what a good child should do.  I stood by him, supported him, and helped him through the end of his life.  I told myself that at the end of my days, at least I acted with dignity and honor.  You know what - all I ended up doing was being a punching bag for a sick delusional man (and woman), and sacrificing my life, my marriage, my children, and my work at the alter of his insatiable ego.  Never again.

Tay - even if she does have cancer - you don't have to sacrifice yourself anymore, you have already sacrificed enough of yourself.  More importantly, M needs the stability of you right now without the chaos of your mother, with or without cancer. 

Please stay strong - for you and for M.

Much love,
Peace

[Ami]

WOW Peace. You seemed to have gone through a metamorphosis. You seem much stronger and know who you are more. Did s/thing  in particular happen?
  I love the "Maya"  quote----WOW. That is big.                 Love   Ami


((((((((((((((((((((((Peace)))))))))))))))))))

[lighter]

Awwww.... tay.

I knew you'd come to the right decision. 

I just didn't know how long you'd suffer, before hand.

You keep moving in the right direction.... it just costs you so much.


I want to fast forward your life..... but I can't.

The time spent away from your M will keep decreasing your distress.

The guilt and confusion suck...... please don't confuse the facts.  Don't minimize them either.

Hops..... you're thinking very clearly.  IF tay's mother has to be out of the house..... that's the time to go and get her things.

We tend to assign supernatutural abilities to them...... but that only hurts us.  Eventually she'll leave the house, for whatever reason, and then tay can go and get the most important of her posessions. 


Peace.... so sorry your father went through that terrible journey.... even sorrier he dragged his entire family along and made it as  awful as he could.  Terrible thing..... you have 2 stories to share that Tay can identify with.  The N parent with cancer and the one lying about having it: / 

Stay strong tay.... keep looking for solutions M can benefit from.  Keep writing and taking care of yourself.  Focus on creating sacred space in your home and increasing it till your entire life feels like your own. 

You have a lot to claim back from your mother. 

Show M how it's done...... teach him as you learn. 

Focus on the positives.... the ligh...... growth.

Leave the rest behind.

I give you permission, now.... today, here..... to leave it all behind and let it fade into a less painful distance.

You tried and you were heroic in your efforts.

Let it go..... let your brother take it on now, if he will. 

It's not your problem any more..... your new life with M and the rat and the pooch..... your job that values you.

That's your future.

[tayana]

Hops, I know she's supposed to go to the hospital this week for more tests, but I don't know when that is.  I only hear information third hand so I don't know her schedule.  I stupidly ask for this information.  My brother said all she does is sit in her chair and sleep.

FP, that is a very sad story, thank you for sharing it.  I am never quite certain if my NM's health scares are real or not.  She did have cancer at one point.  I was in high school at the time, and I ended up taking care of her, my father and the house.  I remember having an emotional breakdown at a band competition because I was still trying to be a "normal" teenager.  Looking back, my M never once asked how I was handling the situation.  There was never any offer to let me talk to someone.  I was just expected to do all of this work, stay a straight A student and make her look good.  So I can really related to your story.  She kept telling that she just prayed she would live until I graduated from high school, because that's what she wanted to see.

I just don't want to go through all of that again. I don't want M to go through it either.  I'm sorry she's sick, but at some point she has to take care of herself.

Lighter, strangely enough, today I don't feel guilty about this decision to remain NC.  Today, I feel pretty darn good.  Maybe that's the drugs kicking in finally.  I still feel tired, but I do feel good. 

There's a few things at the other house that I would like to have, but if I can't get them, then I'll do without them until I can get them.  For all I know my mother has thrown them out or packed them up. 

I sent two books off to publishers this weekend.  I wrote the publicity blurb for another one . . . yes, I feel good.  I feel like I might be able to rejoin life again.

[lighter]

Tayana wrote:  "I sent two books off to publishers this weekend.  I wrote the publicity blurb for another one . . . yes, I feel good.  I feel like I might be able to rejoin life again."

How lovely to feel that fresh energy..... and hope, tay.

About your brother having no information about when your mother goes to the Dr..... I bet he'll be told, at some point. 

Maybe he can manage to relate it to you in a timely fashion? 

I don't like the idea of your having to give up all your stuff, truth be known.  Part of me really wants you to get the most important of stuff... bc that's fair.

I don't think it's worth the trouble of dealing with your mother, however: /

Glad you're feeling better tho: ) 

[tayana]

You know what Lighter?  I was just thinking there's not that much there I really want.  I'd like to have the rest of my pictures, some clothes, M's stuff.  The rest?  I just don't care.  If it comes back, it comes back.

My brother mentioned a date that my mom is going for tests, but not exact times, so I don't know when that would be.

I like all this energy.  It's good.

[finding peace]

Hi Ami,

I think for me it has been a gradual process since NC, but right now I seem to be on an upswell with life boat firmly underneath me. 

My NM did drop in unexpectedly the other day - and while I was upset at first, I got over it very quickly.  Ironically, all she accomplished was to remind me why I went NC.  It was also a huge eye-opener as to how much I have changed in the past year.

Thanks for asking!!
Peace

PS - the Maya quote - saw that and immediately thought of how much I used to live with 2 mitts, and somehow, one hand has become free and I have been throwing BS back.  One of the tricks I have been using is to throw it back with humor if possible - has really helped me to lighten up (I definitely needed that) and find the fun in life again.

[lighter]

My brother mentioned a date that my mom is going for tests, but not exact times, so I don't know when that would be.

I like all this energy.  It's good.

I'll dawn my special sneaky deaky pith helmet for the occassion.  Keep your ears open.... we'er going in when she goes for tests.

You pick out what you want..... I'll ferry it to the car. 

We'll be out in under 2 hours.

Plenty of time to have a near miss and giggle all that energy off, lol!

[Ami]

I have to confess about how "wimpy" I am . My M sent me a little note card with "I love you" on it. I had two great days of no contact.In these days,I could feel myself taking my life "back" from where I "left " it( with her). NOW,I am so "desperate" for a drop of love that I "want" to go back".
   I am not going to. However, I can see the desperation in me that I have had for my whole life. I felt like I could never be "whole" without her. I got the false notion that my "integrity( as in wholeness) depended on her -- that I would always be a half a person without a good relationship with a mother.
   I probably got it from studying Psychology for all those years. As much as people rely on Psychology ,it is just "mans" theories and they are always changing, too.I am finding my core ,now. My M is a "core eater".
  I am just admitting this( that I want contact) b/c I know that it is part of the "sickness" of going back to the abusive person.It is the cycle . Pray  for me,please.. I could use it. Thanks so much for listening and being there.   Love  Ami

[finding peace]

Hi Ami,

Why does this not surprise  me?  They are typical - aren't they?  The push, pull, push, pull until you don't know which way is up.

I got this too.  My NM has tried everything ..... the anger (how dare you), guilt (you have destroyed my family), the "parental authority (I am your mother),"  the poor helpless me (I am loney and need help), the you will regret (I won't live forever)..... repeat from anger....ad nauseum.   Only good news is that it has decreased over time. 

What really helped me is to create a list of the reasons why I went NC. 

I think the problem is 2-fold:  1) we want so badly for a real relationship (and I don't know that the hope ever completely dies, it just dies down a little bit (IME so far) and 2) over time and distance we forget how truly bad it was, which is a good thing as it helps us let go of the negative emotions, but it is also a bad thing, because we start to think it might work.

Whenever I start to have those doubts, I pull out that list (also a letter I wrote but never sent and some nasty e-mails that she wrote to me) to remind myself.  I don't let it upset me as it used to, rather I use it to bolster the decision.

It is hard.  They play the game so well. 

((((((((((((Hang in there))))))))))))))

Peace

[Hopalong]

Ami Spine o' Steel...

Maybe she does think she loves you, maybe she does love you in the walnut-sized part of her psyche that contains a bit of love. That's good that SHE recognizes it, and may it comfort her in the long old age ahead.

Meanwhile. IMO, the fact that she may have scraped up a dried crumb of love out of the refrigerator of her heart has zero, zip, nada to do with YOUR drive toward health and wholeness which is for the next five years, for example, completely dependent on your maintaining NC, imo.

No law says she can't say or semaphore that she found a notecard that says love on it.

No law says that this should have any manifestation whatsoever in the real world, where you continue to try to heal from a very twisted childhood. So, she wrote a note. Fine, this is America, she can send a note. (In America--at least for now--you can also: return a note unopened, not make a call, shred a note unread, use a note to light sage, or calmly discard it as you would a cigarette you found when you'd been smoke free for a while.)

However, you are still busy doing the healing you're doing and a little notecard cannot set the universe on its ear, not after you've worked so hard to acknowledge the universe's law of reality.

YOU CAN'T HANDLE CONTACT RIGHT NOW AND THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU FOR NOT "CHANGING BACK."

Don't slip, Ami. You just did slip. She senses this. Two days ago you talked to her. Now suddenly you receive a note. Picture a chisel. She's banging on the other end of it.

hugs
Hops

[tayana]

Hey Ami, I know how hard it is.  A part of me keeps hoping that my NM will call or visit or something and tell me this was all a silly misunderstanding that she really does care.  Then I remember that she thinks I hate her, that I'm trying to keep M away from her, and everything I do, I do it to intentionally hurt her.  You know what your NM is, Ami, just think about that when you want to contact her.  

I wrote my NM a letter and sometimes I look back at it, and I'm reminded  how badly she's hurt me.

I got this too.  My NM has tried everything ..... the anger (how dare you), guilt (you have destroyed my family), the "parental authority (I am your mother),"  the poor helpless me (I am loney and need help), the you will regret (I won't live forever)..... repeat from anger....ad nauseum.   Only good news is that it has decreased over time.  

What really helped me is to create a list of the reasons why I went NC.  

I think the problem is 2-fold:  1) we want so badly for a real relationship (and I don't know that the hope ever completely dies, it just dies down a little bit (IME so far) and 2) over time and distance we forget how truly bad it was, which is a good thing as it helps us let go of the negative emotions, but it is also a bad thing, because we start to think it might work.

I think what FP said is very true.  I got all of the above.  "You're killing your father."
"I just don't know what I'll do with you."
"I won't live forever.  I don't have much time left."
"I'm your mother and family is all you've got.  You think these friends of yours are going to stick around, well they won't.  In a few years you'll grow apart and then where will you be.  Family is all you can count on."

We want badly to have a real, loving relationship with our mothers, but our mothers simply aren't capable of that.  I would love to have a mother I could be honest with, that I could talk to and cry on her shoulder and have her understand.  Instead, she tells me I'm getting what I deserve.  When I think about contacting my mother, all I can think about is that she'll blame me for her health problems and accuse me of things I haven't done.  My sanity and health are more important than that.

If she was truly worried and if she truly cared, she would contact me and actually be concerned.  

Ami, do what FP said, make a list of the reasons you went no contact.  The book I'm reading says that sometimes relationships with parents are so abusive and destructive the only thing a child (even an adult child) can is sever all contact.  

[Ami]

Dear Peace, Hops and Tayana,
  You guys are the BEST. Thank you so much for your caring. You are so right. I was even  too embarrassed to write how I was feeling. I am glad that I did. I feel so much better ,now, after reading your responses.
                        Love   Ami
(((((((((((((((Hops, Peace, Tayana)))))))))))))))))))  Hugs of Thanks